If you have come out of the teenage years, what are your top tips?

[Notbuiltforheat]

My 3 ND kids are 17, 16, 15. All boys, I’m a single parent, my ex is a waste of oxygen.

Please give me the things you wish you’d known when yours were this age.

I love them with every atom, but at the same time, they’re hard going. They eat tons, are nocturnal, and either wash too much or not enough. And they know everything.

Please share your general rules/experience…

My ND boys are now 24 and 21, they still wash too much or not enough. They still eat loads but do buy a lot of their own food and they still fucking know everything!

Honestly, I mostly ignore them, they won’t listen to my opinion or advice so I don’t bother wasting my breath. I DO go fucking nuts if they wake me in the night tho. The oldest is a belligerent tit, the 21 year old does at least try to be a bit compliant. Neither are working but the 21 year old is in college.

Pick your battles
Give everyone a none negotiable chore each week
Basic rule for them 'don't be a dick' covers most things.
Have a laugh with them if u can. X

• Let them know you love them, unconditionally and have their backs. I had a heartbreaking conversation with DD2 once when she thought we hated her because she was struggling to attend school.

• Conversations side by side in the car about more difficult issues can be easier.
• Realise their brains are really wired differently as teens.

• Find ways to bond with them even if they like to do their own thing a lot/spend a lot of time with mates.
• Remember you are the adult and need to be the bigger person at times.

If possible I would say get them learning to drive as soon as they turn 17. But I appreciate that's not possible for everyone.

Agree with pick your battles. I wish I had been better at that.
If I had young kids now they would not get iPhones!!

This was sad to read

I was pretty relaxed - my son, now 23, says I let him get away with a lot. I think I just didn’t know what he was up to! I’m a widow so there’s no father on the scene and I do feel the lack of a male role model was impactful. So if someone doesn’t have the father on the scene (or he’s fairly useless) I’d encourage a relationship with another adult male that would model what a man should be.
Listen. It’s a hard transition from them doing (or at least they should be) what you ask them to them having their own opinions and the ability to say no and literally walk out the door. You don’t have the ultimate control you used to. Get over yourself. But they will often talk to you if you put yourselves in the right environment - for us it was the frequent car journeys to and from rugby. If he said he was going to listen to music fair enough but sometimes we’d have a nice talk, not having to look at each other and no one else around. And don’t think you know best. You might know best for yourself but not for them. And respect things are different from when we were kids. And they will come out the other side. I had a very tricky few years with my son - Covid was a disaster for him - (and there are definitely things I would have done differently) but we are very close now.

As others have said - Pick your battles. Is this really a hill you want to die on?

Also give them choices within reason. Instead of yelling at them to do the washing up (for example) I’d say “Would you rather do the washing up or get the washing off the line, change the bed, take the bins out” Making a decision seemed to help mine engage with it a bit better.

Teach them to cook, even a tiny bit. DS loves a mug cake, usually at 1am.
Simple and enforced rules. If they bring down their laundry, I will wash it. I will hear no complaints about having "no clothes" otherwise.
Listen when they want to talk to you, but honestly its rare enough you'll notice and pay attention. You need your own activities as they'd be no company for a good few years.
100% pick your battles.

Mine are 36,31, and 18. My contribution (such as its worth) is;
Listen to them, show them some empathy even when you disagree with what they are moaning about or angry about, acknowledge their feelings. Its so important to help them with emotional intelligence. And just communicate with them as much as possible. And dont forget to keep telling them that you love them!

Also stomp hard and fast on any fighting or bullying or meanness between the boys. They'll tussle and have issues, you can't escape that, but model good ways to resolve petty gripes and be careful to be seen as fair. Which is a challenge!

Keep lines of communication open… I found that they just want to vent sometimes so I’d listen and nod. Wouldn’t necessarily agree, and when I didn’t I’d tell them that’s not what I would do but only offer a solution if they asked

I also agree with car conversations… they’d open up much more.

Try not to have conversations with them when I’m angry… not easy tbh but they mirrored my mood and it always ended badly

Yep. I was a bit naïve about some apps/tech I think or just the general effect on the young brain. But back in 2020/21 it would've been hard to deny them the only way they had to keep up with friends at times. Strange times and I'm not sure that I could or should have done any different.

Be their parent first not their friend.
Let them know you will always love them but rude, disrespectful and bad behaviour gets called out.
One thing that I was told that I think is true is strict parents create sneaky children and I do think that is true but it isn’t easy finding the right level of freedom that you are comfortable with.
It is difficult if you give advice and they don’t listen to it but the best way for them to learn is to maybe to make the mistakes themselves.
I know weekend jobs are getting so much harder to come by but if they can get one I def think it installs a good work ethic and shows them that if they want to achieve something they must work for it.
It’s not an easy time being a teenager, I wouldn’t wish to go back to being one

Get them independent, mine are fabulous, (more by luck than design), but still need too much parenting for my liking.

Thanks all. Maybe I’m not doing so badly. They can cook for themselves, and operate the washer. One is very independent and insists on doing everything himself and actually he’s the one I’m really bumping heads with because he thinks that he’s no impact on the rest of the family when of course he is. He wants to move to his Dads at 16 and the thought reduces me to tears for all sorts of reasons.

The other two are more easy going. I’m very tired and I couldn’t work out why but I think it’s the sensation of being “always on” even if I’m not actually in the same room as them. I don’t know how to deal with that.

Get them into team sports. Mine did football from 6-18, then refereeing, cricket and scouts. Learnt so much on so many levels. And part time jobs from 16.

Mine are genetically engineered for rugby and cricket and have never shown the slightest interest sadly. They’re gamer geek types.

OP is there a TV show u can all watch together each week? I.e sit in same room and just have fun?
Also please give urself a massive pat on the back for getting this far with 3 teens!!!
Amazing work!
One day you'll look back and think 'blimey I did well there'. Xxxxx

1. Pick your battles
2. Be reasonable. Let them explain why you are wrong and explain why you think you are right. Concede when they are right and compromise where it doesn't endanger them.
3. Have firm boundaries. Make sure you know and they know what is negotiable and what isn't. Not in terms of individual events, but in terms of principle. So you don't have to explain why cups can't be left in a bedroom to go mouldy, because it comes under taking responsibility for the work of the household for example. You don't have to have a discussion about every single thing because it's covered by general principles. Which principles you choose are up to you and what works for you as a family.

I’ve been fighting for so long I’m out of fight. Education, benefits, social care. It’s just constant and never ending.

Agree with choosing your battles. But stand firm on the ones you choose.

Respect is a two way street. But I’m very big on respect from birth tbh and it’s not two way then lol. I respect my children as individuals and don’t tend to do the “because I say so” approach ever. In the teenage years this meant listening to their pov and respecting that their choices may be different from mine.

Agree re car conversations and keeping yourself involved in their lives. Show interest, support their friends if needed (we had two lads over different time periods who pretty much moved in during difficult times with their folks). Decide on your stance re sex and teenagers and talk about it. Have the contraception talk long before you think it’s needed and talk about porn also. And real women and respecting them and consent.
One of mine was in a relationship from 13 and they stayed over relatively young too which wasn’t the choice I thought I’d make but due to their specific circumstances it was right for them and my child now says they were grateful we were so open about things and they felt comfortable talking to me about it.
Alcohol is allowed from 14 ish but in small
amounts and trust is paramount. If I have said you can have 2 beers/bottles of Ice and you have 3 there will be consequences.

Trust is non negotiable- I will always back my kids up and defend them but I have to know they’re being honest with me.

Love the person, dislike the behaviours if needed. Be clear on what behaviour you want though and be consistent or fair