How do we bolster teen DD with constant friendship issues?

[AnotherNewNotebook]

I know we won't be alone with this, but it feels like we're on a constant emotional rollercoaster due to DD14's complex friendship issues. She is incredibly loyal, giving, supportive, funny and caring, but of course, she's far from perfect like all teenagers.

As background, she has ADHD and in particular, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which I have to say, makes her life really difficult. We've tried medication but so far, have yet to find one that helps without any hideous side effects which causes her to stop eating and sleeping. With the RSD, she often feels excluded, unwanted and left out, which causes her genuine, deeply felt distress and it can spiral quickly. As a result, she can detach from friends in a bid to protect herself, and, I suspect, sometimes to 'punish' them a little if she feels rejected in any way.

She has very close, all consuming friendships. Recently, her and her closest friend have become close to another friend, and they seemed a rock-solid trio though I worried as three is a tricky number. Over the past few weeks, DD has been feeling like they are excluding her, and to be honest, it is starting to look that way.

As a result, DD is a mess, veering wildly from heartbreak and self-loathing that no-one likes her (she does have a wide group of friends and seems popular, but she is much happier with a close knit group) to anger. Then they're fine again, then they post on social media that they're doing something without DD and she's devastated all over again.

DD is having a party in a few weeks (the first in their year group so a very big deal), and she's just been told that these two friends are planning on 'dumping' her after the party. She asked them, calmly, it was true and they admitted it. Now DD is at school, absolutely beside herself, and I am really worried about what this will do to her.

I know this kind of stuff goes on all the time and as a grown middle-aged woman with enough of my own issues to be dealing with, I am so, so worried about DD and how we can support her. She's so fragile right now, and DH and I are genuinely quite terrified of how badly things like this affect her. Any sense of rejection and she shuts down and anxiety takes over. She won't talk, to won't engage with anyone, she won't eat or doesn't sleep.

How can we support her, build her resilience and encourage her to see past these friendship challenges? She's an amazing girl, but to her, we're going to say that as we're her parents. Any advice welcomed, even if it's tough love.

Does she do any extracurricular activities outside of school to allow her to mix with a different group of people that she's not seeing day-in-day-out? That naturally slows down how quickly a friendship can become all consuming because they're not together all day every day, and can help take the pressure off of school friendships which helps them to thrive. Things like guides or scouts are great because they're also guided activities and so there is some input from the leaders also. They also help greatly with self confidence and belonging!

Thanks so much @mainecooney, and yes, I agree completely. Sadly, she's given all activities up, much to my disappointment. Even if she likes the idea of something, she won't even consider it as she has a real fear of being the 'new girl' and being on the edges rather than right in the middle.

Your DD sounds so similar to my 16 yo dd! Have nothing really helpful to add but just wanted to say i know exactly how you feel and it's one of the worst pains imaginable to see your dd heartbroken over friendships and rejection... felt like it was a constant cycle with mine. My dd has just started at a college separate to the secondary school.she went to. She's now in a more 'grown up' friendship group and seems much happier... thought we'd never get to this point! Even at the start of the year it seemed to be something each week that was causing her so much pain. Hopefully this will be the same for your dd. Sending hugs ❤️

Is she getting any professional therapy.

I went through this with my daughter. It is heartbreaking. Honestly, it ended up being the best thing for my daughter as she learned to be comfortable in her own company. She stopped chasing the prefect friend group and widened her social circle. It took some time but in the past few years she spent time in the library, getting involved in school live, clubs and groups and now she is in 6th year having an absolute blast.

The reality is, young teens generally don’t understand disability and aren’t minded to make the adjustments people need. The frustrating thing is, our kids are told they need to be more forgiving and resilient, when actually if all kids were that way, it would make life much easier for disabled kids.

While I get that, now is the best time to sign up - start of the school year will mean clubs have lots of new kids joining so she won't be the only one.
This is what I would suggest as in every situation in her future she will need to be able to diversify so she doesn't get single-mindedly set on one person or group, as that can give all of her power away, which is what causes the situations she is finding herself in. Maybe explain to her that giving herself options of friends, hobbies or whatever is never a bad thing.

Honestly, I think this is above your pay grade as parents. We can love our children and support them but we are not therapists and your daughter needs to be working with someone who has the qualifications and experience to help her. People with rejection sensitivity disorder can have lifelong problems with interpersonal relationships but you have an opportunity while she is young to have her work with a therapist to learn and establish coping strategies. That's what I would be putting my energies into - finding the right therapist with the skills and experience she needs.

My DD was/is similar. I really, really had to push her to keep with scouts. It took around a term before she was actually looking forward to it/wanting to keep up with it, and I could really see the benefits and eventually so could she. The best thing you can do for her is to diversify the opportunities she has for socialisation, although she won't see it that way to begin with! This is the best time of year to jojn, what with the new school year, and activities like scouts are great at intigrating new group members from day one.

God it's awful.

I actually have found that not trying to help at all is the best answer. If you can get her to take up some other activities that's good for the sake of the activity (and hopefully she will meet people). Otherwise though I really think that just being extremely nice to her, keeping home easy and stress-free, hanging out with family and family friends who love her and think she's great, talking about the friendship stuff when she brings it up (and being around so she can bring it up) but otherwise not really mentioning it and trying not to make it into a huge thing for YOU has been the thing that has worked best. That way, not everything is about how terrible her friendship situation is, it's kind of taken as normal (which it is, even though horrid), and she's able to think about other things when she's at home. Plus it doesn't have to be your problem so you communicate less of your stress about it, home is a sanctuary, and she relaxes a bit, which is always a good attitude for making friends anyway conversely.

If you can get rid of the phone as much as possible that's good too, but... good luck with that.

I also know that all this is very easy advice to give and much less easy advice to follow.

No. We've explored this but she is hugely resistant and has refused to engage with the idea, despite knowing others that have benefitted. She isn't a talker, and even with us, we get very little that's spoken, we get the best information and most honest responses either written by text message or on the phone, but never when we ask, it has to be when she wants, and is able, to share.

Thank you so much for sharing and I'm so glad your DD is coming out the other side. Sometimes there isn't anything that can or will help, but feeling helpless is the worst. Thank you for the solidarity, it's appreciated.

Oh my goodness, how this resonates! You're right - this generation are all about 'be kind' and inclusivity, tolerance and accepting people's differences, but then it all becomes just like Mean Girls.

Thank you for your advice, it does mean a lot and yes I agree that different groups outside of school will be what she'd benefit from, but I'm more than aware of her reluctance. I'll have a think about anything that might entice her... In the meantime, bolstering her resilience is the key to this, and future issues.

I’d see if she’d attend with you, because as a mom I’m sure you “feel” her pain which isn’t ideal.
Maybe just being present while therapeutic discussions are going on will stimulate better coping techniques.

Thanks so much and yes, I think I've accepted her resistance as the end of the conversation but actually, this needs to be investigated more. I'll look into this tonight, thank you for the kick up the bum.

Thank you so much @Poppingby, this is really helpful. We try to take this approach - how teenage friendships can be notoriously tricky to navigate, and just keep on being you and making the best decisions you can, yada, yada - and you're right that we need to not get sucked into the detail and let it encroach on everything so her home, and time with us, is a relief from that.

I totally agree re the phone, and while there's active resistance to being off it, we're making progress. As you say, it's all great in theory, but the reality is it's bloody tricky!

That's a great shout, thank you. One of the things she is less resistant to is watching content online and there are some great resources about Rejection Sensitivity on YouTube.

I'm mindful of how to approach it so she doesn't see this as me suggesting that the problem is her and we need to fix her, rather than supporting her when she's not treated well and is hurt. Does that make sense? And yes, you're right, as her mum, her pain hurts me too.

I’d steer clear of online content as it might totally ingrain this sensitivity.
Ideally you want her to outgrow this (via mature coping skills).
Going for online material is counterproductive to decreasing online screen time, maybe for you to watch then incorporate some of the concepts and skills into her day?

Thank you this this - I hadn't even thought of online content as being derogatory as I was thinking of Alex Partridge's specific RSD content rather than random rogue videos and sitting with her as this is how she absorbs content.

I feel so woefully out of my depth, but I'll start with his book and go from there.

I would be very careful offering you child content on SM, particularily one that suggests RSD is a biological, brain based difference that she can do nothing about.

Does the school offer ELSA? I'd focus on supporting her emotional regulation.