Regrets

[abouttime86]

Not sure where to post this. It's ended up here.

Menopausal. I'm very reflective. Early 50's. Lovely dc.

Other than that I feel disappointed in life. On paper, I live a comfortable life. No financial worries currently.

My childhood was difficult. I grew up with abusive parents and I was and am traumatised. I have mental health issues relating to this and a strong possibility of neurodivergence which fits and which I was completely unaware of until recently.
I am currently undergoing treatment and it is bringing up a lot of anger. Mainly due to abandonment and not being seen by my parents and most adults in my life. I have spent a lot of my life trying to prove myself, chase validation, afraid of my shadow.
My marriage is not great and upon reflection I wonder if it ever has been. I most likely married a parental figure with little empathy. I'm trying not to re-write history here; it is difficult not to.
I've never had a decent career in spite of earning a degree. Ending up in admin jobs though one job I did enjoy. I thought I mattered in this job but at the end of the day I did not and realised I was not properly valued by my employer.
I don't regret going to university but I do regret the choice of subject. Given the choice again I don't know what I'd choose but it wouldn't be that.
I suppose I'm getting the feeling I have never known myself and if I had I may have had a more fulfilling life.

I'm tired. My mental health is not great. Add on the menopause and neurodivergence I don't feel I can turn this around. I am essentially early retired (or unemployed depending how you frame it).
I do have a creative outlet. It's the nearest thing I have to a legacy. I intend to explore more of my creativity though this doesn't feel enough.

I have thought about volunteering but can't work out where my passion lies and where I can throw some energy that I might have remaining. Nothing feels enough.
Can anyone relate? Did you do (or not do) anything to turn this around?
This is comparable to an is this it moment, I'm guessing.
Anyone?

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. It sounds like there are lots of things in your life that have been challenging and menopausal brain chaos won't be helping. Some of my friends have experienced real existential despair in the grip of peri.
It's great to hear you have a creative passion. Maybe you could focus on cultivating this and seeing where it takes you? There are likely networks of artists/creatives in your area that run meet ups/training/development opportunities. Volunteering opportunities might then emerge from these, and who knows what else?
I hope you feel better soon.

I feel you are describing me! Except I'm mid to late 40s and have a primary aged child. I too feel lost, had a traumatic childhood with abandonment issues and I'm late diagnosed neurodivergent. I went to Uni but picked the wrong thing and have never been able to hold on to a job or climb the ladder despite being intelligent and capable. Only this evening I was thinking what would I have done differently even 10 years ago. You're not alone, I think a lot of women get to 40s and 50s and reflect this way. We are all sold this dream of find the partner, get married, have the house, car, job kids and then what? Nothing quite pans out how you expect it to. Doesn't help that husband has just been made redundant again twice in 18 months so I'm now in panic mode about finances.

I don't have any extended family. Parents died and I am estranged from my sister.

I have not had any close friends until the pass 3 years. I have two good friends and 2 or 3 others for chats and coffee. I have poured all my energy into my dc but now my dc are becoming more independent. I realise I should have put more energy into developing decent friendships but I'm guessing I found it difficult for many reasons. Forming friendships after the age of 50 feels difficult without having trust and potential ND issues to contend with.

Similar here, except I divorced 20 years ago.

darkgreenkimono Sorry to hear you feel this way too. We do sound like we've had very similar experiences. Yes, I too feel like I was sold the dream...and why am I feeling so empty?
And yes to the existential despair. That's exactly how it feels.

darkgreenkimono
I constantly wonder what I would do differently and I can't come up with any definite answers.

Its a bit of a watershed birthday. I'm sorry to say that we do start to "dissappear ", I found my opinions were disregarded by younger people and sometimes you just want to scream to be noticed.
First of all, are you on HRT....if not ask your Dr if you qualify. It was a lifesaver for me, and for most people around me 😏
Also don't assume neurodiverse etc. Not everything is so neatly tied up with a bow.
There's a lot going on, life feels unsatisfactory which is most likely having this effect as well.
Tough childhoods....meh ! Don't let them live in your head. Mine was very tough and when my mother died I said to her "like she could hear me", now I owe you nothing. And you owe me nothing. End of, and I was free. I had to wait till 66 for that moment but it worked.

Volunteering is brilliant. I did National Trust house guide work which was great, really nice people and only gave it up when I came out if retirement again.

I am sure this stage will pass. Menopause is really crappy but it's just a phase of life. Once you come out the other end you are a fabulous sports model !!!

At 50 it's not too late to find a job. Something not too stressful. But that will ease you into more challenging roles. I worked until I was 69 and still miss it. You are actually still young, put on a purple hat, tell yourself how fabulous you are, and go for it. ( purple hat is optional)

It sounds like you had a very hard upbringing and that does echo through life.

That said, some of your choices were perhaps not as bad as you think, you sound financially comfortable, but didn't work in high paying jobs so I guess you chose someone emotionally not great but who was a good provider. That's something you can now run with in terms of leaning into your creativity because you don't need to work.

In other words, it's not a failure, it was a choice. You can choose to move on or stay. It is within your own power.

I would focus on two things: getting help for your MH, whether it be screening for vitamin deficiencies, trying a new type of therapy (I would try the cranial stimulation ones if I got very depressed again), and just setting up a good routine of eating, drinking water and exercise, also many of my friends have felt mentally bad during peri/menopause and have benefitted hugely from HRT. I haven't got on with it but it's been transformative for some so I'd look into that.

The second is you have an amazing opportunity to be creative and that's not nothing. Have you read The Artist's Way? How about doing that for 12 weeks to reconnect you to that side of yourself, and taking up opportunities to take classes, share it with others, exhibit or teach, or just enjoy it for its own sake.

It's easy to think a career would be more 'valuable' but very few employers do appreciate you, mine doesn't, and I don't know if greater fulfilment would have lain that way, but you have a chance to create for yourself, others, just because you can and I would go with that as it's a lot more valuable to the world and to yourself than a lot of jobs.

Forming friendships after the age of 50 feels difficult without having trust and potential ND issues to contend with.

Can i suggest if you have trouble making friends try a church group. I know it might not seem right for you, but they are always welcoming....its their job 😁
Also stop thinking you are neurodiverse, you are putting up barriers for yourself.
I'm not neurodiverse, I just consider myself a hoot!!!

When it comes to volunteering- try different ones. Do a day of scrub clearance with your local wildlife trust, go and deliver leaflets, bake for a charity cake sale, run a sponsored marathon, paint scenery for the village panto.

Some things you will discount immediately. (I'm not running anywhere for anyone.) Others you might try once and think, it was okay, but not something you'll try again. And something else might really grab you. You're not signing up to anything for life unless you want to, and there are so many different ways to volunteer - find something that interests you, (both the organisation and the activity,) give it a go. If you enjoy it, great. If you don't - try something else.

My mother always advised joining a church group to find friends, too.

(I do not belong to any church group.)

There seems to be friends clubs opening up for women in our area, one is a walking club for middle-aged women that also socialises and it seems to be very busy and popular. Having two good friends and a couple more for coffee and cake seems quite a lot to me, or at least, that's about what I have and I don't have time for more as I'm still working.

I think a lot of this is about expectations of what things 'should' be like (my marriage should be romantic, I should have lots of friends, my employer should have appreciated me) and I'm not sure all these shoulds are what everyone else is experiencing either. Gently questioning some of your assumptions (in therapy, in your own writing, diary?) might help as well, as you have lots of things you have done well, such as bring up independent kids now flying the nest, being creative, having financial stability, and I wonder if you are seeing your life through the lens of depression rather than any accurate perception.

I hope something shifts for you!

That seems tough for you . You mention you might be neurodivergent. Is that something you have been diagnosed with ? If not you might want to consider if it would be worthwhile to do this in your circumstances . If you can afford it - going privately would be the obvious route as otherwise you may wait years .

Going through the menopause means a drop in hormones and can exacerbate existing conditions e.g if you had ADHD . If you decide to go down this route , you may be able to proceed to coaching / counselling / medication whichever is appropriate .

You may also be impacted by trauma as a result of your difficult childhood .
I think a lot of people can feel that life has passed them by and that they haven’t achieved their full potential . I think given your difficult childhood you have in fact done very well in life .

I think the problem is we tend to compare ourselves to the high achievers who may have sailed through their whole life or tackled adversity - who knows . We can only do our best with the hand we have been dealt and I know I am guilty of this too - we focus on what we haven’t done / achieved - rather than what we did .

I would focus on your health currently . You seem to be in a fortunate position of being financially able to take a break / pause at this time . Focus on you , and feeling better .

As others have said get to your Dr and speak about HRT . If you are feeling run down generally you could also ask them to do some blood tests to see if you have any deficiencies .

There are also lots of independent chemists etc who will do blood tests too , which may be ones that the GP won’t provide . Find a recommended provider - I am sure there will be info on these boards and you can source your own supplements rather than going for expensive ones .

Rubbish time of the year , but it is also good to get out and get fresh air and walk or do other exercise you might enjoy .

I am envious that you have a creative output and if this is something you enjoy , look into that .

I think it would be great to do some voluntary work . I think whilst you focus on you and feeling better , you can look around and see what you might enjoy / feel rewarded by . I don’t think you should rush into the first things, but what is right for you .

Above all try and not feel guilty for taking this pause just now . I am sure like others , you have prioritised kids / DH above your own needs and now you need to think of yourself .

Have a think about what you want and what gives you joy .
Take care x

Sorry , on phone so can’t read your message as I am replying . I see that you are already undergoing treatment . Well done for taking this step and understandably it is very emotional / gruelling as you are going through it . Be kind to yourself .

Can I make another suggestion. I did Open University and graduated at 51, while working full time.
If you have time on your hands you should really enjoy this. I will never forget that feeling of graduation, especially when my mother's advice to ne as a child was to marry rich, because I woukd never amount to anything.
My kids cheered from the balcony of Bridgewater Hall, I felt wonderful. Its a feeling of achievement.
Of course when I sent my mother a photo she said " I see you wore those awful boots".
Give it a try.

I’m sorry you are feeling that way. Like others, its not unusual to feel low due to menopause.

However, trying to pivot can be helpful. You have a home and are financially comfortable. You have children. You have time. You have creativity. Take pleasure in all of those things.
An earlier poster said we are “sold” a dream but actually life really isn’t like a magazine, we are all different and life is individual.

Now is the time to focus on yourself, do things that make you happy, live simply, give time to others.
Exercise, spend time in nature, do some practical things. Volunteering is wonderful, so try lots.

Can you use your creativity to teach others what you can do? Do some craft fairs? Befriend an elderly person? Help tidy a churchyard or community garden? Help at a local sports club (training or bar work)? Cook at a lunch club?

I think you need to get out there and do stuff and you will find your home.

Are you actually reading the advice people here are giving you, or just coming back to post another thought.
Posters here are trying to help you, but you don't seem to really want to take any note.

I think lots of people can relate to that feeling,
No-one’s life, career or relationship is perfect and you can’t go back, but life certainly isn’t over yet.

What do you want to change? If huge changes feel insurmountable, what’s the smallest way you could start living the way you want to?

Yes, I am taking note. I posted late and I am tired. I am going to re-read all that has been written. I go into overwhelm easily and tend to write my thoughts as they appear. I am grateful to everyone who has posted and for all your kindness. I am going to reflect and post again shortly.

Bless you. Sorry i just felt that we were talking into a vacuum. Glad you are finding inspiration.

There are a lot of wise words in this post. I have a lot of barriers from a traumatic childhood to work through which are being addressed in therapy (EMDR). I'm working on doing some things for me (and not for validation) and yes, I very much enjoy nature. Simple things are the way forward I think. Working towards volunteering too. I've got to be careful here that I am doing it for the right reasons.

The trauma is making it difficult to determine whether I am in fact neuro diverse. I believe this is a strong possibility due to my children possessing strong traits.

There is so much grief around all the what could have beens. I've got to somehow let go of those and think about what could be and the positives of today. Far easier said then done.

Thank you to everyone for all your time and energy.

Good quality body-identical HRT. Phone the doctor today.

What is this body identical HRT called?