NC for this.
This could be a long one I’m afraid.
I was in a relationship from the age of 17. We had some great fun together but from the start he was very controlling and abusive.
We bought a flat and then a house together. I was doing well at work but he would get very jealous and accuse me of sleeping with my boss when I was promoted. It would invariably end up with me being punched and my dinner thrown at me. I became terrified of making a mistake about what to cook, wear or even what to plant in the garden. I was always walking on eggshells. Family loved him, he got on especially well with my db as they shared a love of cycling. We lived together for 11 years. We had a joint account but I was given a limited amount of ‘pocket money’ each month and everything was checked to see what I spent it on. He would take me out to buy clothes (expensive ones) but he had to approve of them. He told me that this was normal and everyone lived like this.
As time went on he would get very angry if I wanted to go somewhere on my own and I usually didn’t go. On one occasion I had booked the day off to attend a friend’s sister’s funeral a couple of hours away. I asked him to come with me (he knew them both well) but he didn’t want to take time off work. When I got home he was waiting on the doorstep dragged me by the hair inside because I was late home (about 7pm).
When I accidentally became pregnant he insisted I had a termination then afterwards bought me a teddy with the words “baby’s first Christmas “ embroidered on it.
With the help of a friend at work who I had confided in, I left and moved in with my niece and her family .
I signed our house over to him as I was terrified he would come after me if I tried to claim my half.
My family were aware of the abuse but I don’t think they believed me. My dm said “well there’s always two sides” while my DB said “I thought you enjoyed being a punchbag”.
Years go by and I married a wonderful man and we have a lovely family of our own. I do still have bad dreams of that time.
My db drops into conversation that he & his dw are still friends with ex and they regularly meet up and he has had ex & new gf over to his home for dinner (I’ve still never received an invitation to dinner).
I told him at the time that I thought it was upsetting that he still saw him after what I had been through. He told me that as ex did manual work he was bound to take his frustration out with his fists. This was about 20 years ago.
Since then I have kept in touch with db but it is a little stilted. Over the past couple of years we have met up and we message regularly.
Last weekend I received a message from him that he had sad news that ex had died and that he (db) was really upset about this as they still saw each other regularly but not for a few months.
I was really upset that he was still seeing ex and had no thought of how I had been treated.
Am I overreacting? I haven’t responded to his message. I have absolutely no feelings about the exs death. How can I be sad that someone who raped, tortured and belittled me for 11 years is no longer on the planet?
What should I say?
I have thought that I need to see a therapist to talk about my experiences but I don’t know where to start. The sadness I feel is the feeling of betrayal.