How can I politely keep plans shorter with a friend?

[Champagnenova09]

Its not that I don't want to see my friend or spend time with her, but eg if i suggest something like a coffee at mine.. she then gets wind I've got some free time and suggests several hours - or even half a day - out. It was supposed to be an hour ish at mine. I no longer suggest coffee at mine.
We both enjoy a local breakfast.. but again, that gets turned into an hour dog walk plus breakfast time and before i know it its taken up most - or even all - of the morning.

How do I politely manage this ? If i say I've got plans and I'm limited for time, she then gets quite miffed with me.

Why don’t you just say that you have to go at x time because of y?

well personally i think.expecting coffee or breakfast to only be an hour is a bit rude.

If i say I've got plans and I'm limited for time, she then gets quite miffed with me.

and this is a close friend? Bizarre

Yes, I have a similar situation. I reframe it as flattering that a friend wants to spend so much time with me but it can be awkward to deal with.

I would only want an hour or 2 with anyone in these situations .. unless I've arranged to spend the eve with them. Selfishly. I Iargely want my weekend time to myself and to prioritise DH.I think 2 hours is not rude, agree 1 hour could be seen to be rude.. but a whole morning or afternoon ??? That means I then have to shoe-horn the rest of the day into half a day

How do you manage this ?

Can you not go to her house and then you can leave after 2 hours. Or you just say we can meet but I am leaving by whatever time is the time you want to go by.

I don’t understand why this is difficult. ‘I’ve got a lot to catch up on at home so it’ll only be an hour or two’. ‘I can’t do very long today, got so much to do’. ‘DH wants to hang out after so I’ve only got time for a coffee’.

I’m always upfront when making the plans, “I’m free from 9 to 11.” Once you start doing it, it becomes easy. If people don’t like it, or it doesn’t work for them, we don’t meet.

Is this friend on the whole quite lonely? Perhaps limited people to talk to.
Whilst this is just brekkie and a brew for you this could be their entire weekends plans so understandable they want to stretch it out a little.

“Hi X, do you fancy a coffee tomorrow morning? I have the dentist at 11am, so do you want to meet at 9.30?”

Then you leave for your “dentist” appointment.

You sound thoughtful and like you almost certainly wouldn’t have a problem with telling your friend politely that you’re only available for an hour.
Your problem (in my opinion) is ‘she’ll be miffed with me’. You don’t want her to be annoyed. But you can’t control that. You have to practise that whole ‘let them’ thing. If you’ve been polite and clear then that’s on them, not you.
But practically, see above poster and claim a dental appointment 😬

Are you local to each other? Twice recently I've traveled nearly an hour to meet up with a friend for coffee without realising it was 'just' for coffee, maybe 40 mins whilst she was killing time waiting for DC or similar.

If local I'd have no issues but if your friend is travelling the visit should be longer than the journey..

My husband is terrible at outstaying his welcome. I think it's because he was single for so long and really relied on his friends. We were visiting his cousin who has mnd so gets tired very easily. We had been there nearly 2 hours and I said "we'd better go and collect your prescription" his comment was "oh does the pharmacy shut early today?!!" He could see what I meant when I spoke to him in the car but honestly he just doesn't read the room.
A lady he'd worked with and her husband came to visit us for lunch. They were over in our hometown for a week. I'd only met her about 3 times including at her wedding but he knew her quite well as she'd been part of a big group that used to lunch together at work. She's mid 30s he's 67. She's very nice but after 6 hours they left! My social battery had died a long time before hand!

I'm a fan of a pub quiz for this reason-it's contained

I think if she gets miffed that’s her problem to be honest. I meet loads of friends for just a couple of hours for a brekkie/cofffee/walk etc. We’re all busy and if someone says I’m around 10-12 tomorrow, fancy meeting up for x? no one is offended that it’s not longer. Everyone is trying to do so much in the day. Sometimes we might even message to say, I’m on the high street, anyone fancy a quick coffee and a natter? And that might be just 30-60 mins. I find it lovely that we all try to grab moments where we can as we all have different responsibilities and commitments and no one needs to explain themselves. If this friend of yours has less going on, I get why they might want to spend more time with you. But that doesn’t mean you have to accommodate it. If she is ‘miffed’ that’s for her to find a resolution to and not your responsibility. And I mean this kindly. It may be she is lonely but then she needs to find ways to address that other than enforcing more time out of others than they want to give as it will only lead to resentment/disappointment. I wonder if, for example, there are any Saturday morning walking groups for example, that you could go to together once which then gives her the scope to take it further herself. Or evening book clubs? She might not follow through of course (for various reasons) but you can’t create a life for someone, they have to take action themselves.

Oh I know a few people like this. They just don’t know when to end it. A lunch out then turns into making plans straight after. I now just go in with a confirmed time slot. And I never make get togethers at mine.

If you’re invited for “a coffee” then why would you expect anything more? How far you’re travelling doesn’t matter. I have friends over a hour away, and we will meet up for a coffee. It means travelling for an hour just to go to a coffee shop but that’s what the invitation/plan was… so why are expecting more?

If it includes a dog walk at least you can tick that off the list!

If I spent an hour with a friend we’d maybe talk about today’s news or show each other a couple of photos of the dog….it takes at least 3 hours for a meet-up with real friends!

Exactly the type of people we don’t host. Just never know when to leave.
if you’re invited to lunch, please leave well before dinner time. Unless you are asked to stay. Some people just never think! We have younger dc, bedtime routine etc.

I’d just say
yeah coffee/breakfast sounds good. I’m free up until 11, what time do you want to meet?

Or else suggest a much later in the day meet, many coffee shops shut at 5 so you’d get turfed out and can head home. Or would the evening work better?

Oh dear, I used to have a friend like this! Actually she’s still a friend but she moved over 200 miles away so now when we see each other it is usually for longer and that’s fine. When it’s someone local it is annoying.

I think you have to have another plan. After coffee you are going to XYZ. Something she can’t tag onto. Dentist, physio, visiting a relative, taking dog to vets.

I've had a friend like this though she's moved away now. I do really like her and it's not like I dont enjoy her company but I work FT and have kids whilst she is retired and has no kids. For me weekends and days off are needed to fit in chores/errands, family stuff much needed downtime as well as social stuff.

I'd suggest we go for lunch and I'd drive/my treat but ironically she would always say she was much too busy and she'd "pop" for a coffee at mine late morning. But would still be there at 2.30pm while I despaired of my precious day off disappearing! I started actually arranging another commitment at a particular time ie picking up my daughter from a friend at 1pm but sometimes i'd clear up the coffee things, put my coat and shoes on and she'd still sit there chatting. One time I actually left the house (while she was still in my living room) because I had to be somewhere else and she seemed really annoyed. She had gone by the time i got back though!

I think you'll just have to give your friend a set window of time to meet and leave at the end point you've set (and ideally don't meet at your house haha). If she gets miffed, she gets miffed. She's clearly tone deaf to making you feel miffed!

These weird friendships where they seem unable to communicate with one another, and one gets “miffed” over something as trivial as this.