Should I be expected to update everyone after major surgery?

[realsavagelike]

I have currently undergone major surgery and a few people have kindly messaged/said variations of "Let me know if you need anything" or "Let me know how you're getting on". I feel like this is the sort of situation where the "ring theory' holds true (see link) and that the onus should not be on me to keep everyone informed all the time. I AM getting much better, though, at stating clearly what I would like help with if something comes to mind, which doesn't come naturally to me. What do you think?

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

I just replied "Thank you, that's kind. I'm getting there but if I need help, I'll call. xx"

I think you are over thinking this and they are just kindly meant messages.

Yeah, pretty much my go-to response too!

I had emer surgery last week and I thought it was nice people cared enough to ask. However I said similar I will let you know if I need anything thankyou for asking.Just resting for a few days...An left it at that as I just want to sleep and rest right now

I quite like the comfort in dump out. I think in reality it depends on ones previous interactions and relationships with the people who are saying let me know - or who, when you are in the middle of the circle always make it about them.

i think good for us to remember though when someone vents they may just want to vent albeit if they are venting and never moving g forward we have our limits.

Hope your recovery goes well. 💐

What do you expect people to say? What message would you send to a friend in the same situation?

Yes I agree. Let me know how it goes is just a way to end a conversation politely instead of saying something blunt. Let me know if you need anything is people offering to help you who aren’t mindreaders. I am baffled that you found offence that people care.

That's the same ring theory as the circle of grief. Makes perfect sense to me, just let people know if you need anything, they will want to help you. It can be uncomfortable can't it, I was in a similar position to you for a while and I felt a bit 'selfish' taking help rather than sharing a load. Anyone who helps you will feel good about doing it, remember that.

Hope your recovery goes well.

I think from most people it is just a social interaction, kindly meant.

You know who is closest to and will help you if needed eg, partner or adult children, best friend or relative.

I really don’t see the problem with those messages. They’re worded in such a way that they don’t need an immediate response, or even a response at all. They’re well meant platitudes used to signal care and/or availability for help if needed.
If no one had messaged you in order to give you space then I’m sure you’d have been posting about how no one has shown their support.

As someone with multiple chronic health conditions and over 25 surgeries, let the little things go and be grateful that you have people in your life who care. I always felt really sorry for the other patients in hospital who didn’t seem to have anyone.

Yes, you get it! I wasn’t in the least offended, just have difficulty accepting help! One for my therapist,.,,

I think the ring theory, while broadly true, over-complicates something that should be common sense. If you are a casual acquaintance of the person at the centre of the ring, it should be obvious that you don't weep and wail about how worried you are about them to their close family in the smaller ring, let alone the person in the middle of it.

You shouldn't feel obliged to give regular updates to all and sundry while recovering from major surgery, but if offers of help are there and you need them, take them. Most people like to feel needed so they will be glad to feel they have been of use, but don't take it personally if anyone can't do the specific thing you've asked for at that specific time.

You probably know the people in your circle well enough to judge who is genuinely offering practical support, and who is repeating platitudes.

Hoping your recovery continues well.

I utilise WhatsApp group chats and social media to give such updates. Lucky that we have people who care.