Supporting the surviving parent when you’ve lost a parent

[Sameoldsameold78]

My mum passed away 3 months ago, it’s been a horrible time, The saddest part is my Dad, they were married for 53 years and it just breaks my heart. He has friends but no family apart from me. I go over regularly to see him, sometimes I work from his house and we watch telly together or I take my dog and go for a walk, we are an affectionate family so lots of hugs but it just makes me really sad that he’s on his own.

i don’t know what else I can do or say, he drives and he’s keeping himself busy. We talk about my mum and I’ve told him he doesn’t have to put a brave face on in front of me and we’ve cried together lots of times.

it’s just shit isn’t it.

It's awful, I'm glad he has you, Could you take a holiday together, or join a group? Things like Padel/dog walking groups/cooking etc have a range of ages, and it's something you could talk about together, but that will give him other friends too. I don't know if it's the case for you, but it can be really hard feeling guilty when you can't be there, so this can help them have more people to call on.

OP I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum.

I know exactly what you're going through. My mum died in 2021 and nobody talks about helping the surviving parent through their grief. My dad made his whole life about grieving and it was so hard to help him navigate it. Remember to take time to process it yourself. I bet you'll do your mum proud.

Thank you so much, it’s really hard isn’t it. He is really busy with clubs and friends, I do think it would help him if he could join a support group.
We get on well, always have and have good chats but it’s just so sad and I feel so incredibly sad for him.

It sounds like you are supporting him wonderfully. Carrying his own grief and sadness as well as your own is a lot, and I wonder if focussing on him and his grief so much will, in a way, stop you from doing your own grieving too? Maybe I’m not wording it right - and of course I’d do the same in your position. Perhaps some counselling for yourself (and him, too, if he was open to it) would help you manage this heavy burden.

I’m a widow and I would say it gets easier over time. I was widowed when I was 53. You learn to live around the grief without it becoming all consuming. It never leaves you, but you learn how to manage it.
There are counselling services, such as Cruise, which are excellent. You might both benefit from this

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Thank you I should have said I am having counselling.

It sounds like you're giving him lots of support and you sound like a lovely daughter. It's great that he is seeing friends and going to clubs, men can often be quite isolated after bereavement but it sounds like he's making the effort to go out and about.

Unfortunately, you can't take away his sadness, as much as you'd like to. And it's ok to feel sad - he has lost his life partner and that is sad. Three months is nothing, he is still in the thick of grief but it does get easier over time. You don't get over it but you learn to live with it. Give him and yourself time.

Look after yourself too lovely, I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

Thank you so much, I do have a brother but he’s 3 hours away and I’m ten minutes away!

Just bumping am struggling today

It's great what you're doing, but only give him time that you can really keep up with long term. He'll get used to it (rather than getting used to being on his own) and you won't be popular if you need to reduce the time you give.

I've been through this, and suddenly I found out my Mum had been moaning about me behind my back, which really hurt and upset me at the time.

Thank you. Just struggling generally today.