How much do you do for elderly parents?

[Diamondsgreen]

I don't do a lot, they "manage". They should probably have help around the house and garden, and they are more than comfortable enough to pay for it.

They don't have it partly because they don't want to spend it and partly because "privacy".

I have resisted getting involved because I think the sooner they arrange paid help the easier it will be for everyone, and if I did it for now, that day is delayed.

They have recently decided they should no longer drive. They live in an area where local amenities are good, but they can't walk far so are asking for lifts. Again they can pay for taxis, which probably are cheaper over a year than running a car. I do take them when I can, but I don't rearrange anything to take them. I would in an emergency, but not for routine things.

E.g. Dad wants a medical treatment (not available on NHS). It's something that lasts about 30 min and he goes every six weeks. It's a five min cab/car drive or they will come to him. Dad doen't want them in the house so has asked for a lift. I could do it, but this 5 min, affordable taxi trip, will take 1.5 hours out of my day, by the time I've collected etc.

I don't mind exactly, I do want to do my bit to support them where needed, but feel where there are straightforward solutions they should use them - as much to preserve their independence as to save me time iyswim.

Or would you just go?

I'd tell him to get a taxi. It's 5 minutes FGS!

I think it all depends how old, strong, vulnerable, weak, the parent is. My mum has dementia ( not that she believes this), so I'm doing quite a bit for her now.

OP, if I were in your DP’s position, I simply wouldn’t want to impose on my DC to that extent, even if they lived in the same street. If you give them lifts, they will take it for granted and then be aggrieved if you don’t. As for the garden, leave them to it. If they don’t mind living in a wilderness, that’s up to them!

This is defo what taxis are for. Unless you have literally nothing else going on in your life.

The garden is in better condition than mine, whether they should be doing it, whether it's safe for them to do it, is another thing.

Do you work? Obviously if you are then you can’t do much of the driving. But frankly, as someone who lost both parents some years ago, I’d do it. It’s not a lot after all the time they spent raising you. And I’d be wanting to just see them a couple times a week anyway.
Agree about the garden though - I don’t take care of my own so hardly going to do someone else’s!

Raising children doesn’t entitle you to ‘payback’. Poor parenting to expect it, even poorer to ask for it when you’re ’more than comfortable’.
The car savings can pay for a taxi. I would tell him to do that. His wants don’t trump yours.
Be very careful of setting a precedent. You’re at the beginning of what could turn out to be some increasingly stressful and frustrating years. FIL went up and down the street shamelessly asking for lifts. When he died, it came to light he was a millionaire.
And I say this as someone who lost their parents at 54 and 69.

It's not even that I don't t want to do it, and I do see them at least twice a week, but this a problem they can solve themselves and doing so helps them retain some independence. Rather like I would "let" DC take public transport rather than drive them everywhere, because it's good for them to gain confidence doing so.

It's just me (no DP or local siblings). My overwhelming fear is what happens if I get sick! If I needed a couple of weeks in hospital, I honestly don't know what happens, and I'd like them to realise that and put something in place so they can manage without me. It's easier for them to do that now, while they're still relatively able, than it might be later.

Yes, I agree with you that your time should be for stuff they can’t easily do. The person should come to their house or they should get a cab.

Not a lot because I live several hours away but despite them saying they don’t need anything doing there’s always something when I go! I’m mostly the IT Helpdesk and seemingly the only person in our family who can use Google.