Do you ask to meet a new baby, or wait to be invited?

[Biteycat]

A friend of mine gave birth to her first child at the beginning of August. Her DH (also a friend) messaged me when it happened, and my friend and I spoke on and off as usual after the birth. Both of them said things like "can't wait for you to meet the baby" and "I'll tell you xyz when I see you" etc.

Thing is, I think I'm the only person of our friend group who hasn't met the baby..

A different friend of mine asked me if I'd met the baby yet and when I said no, she said "well have you asked to?", but to me this seems incredibly rude. If I had a baby and I had people messaging me asking to meet them, I think I'd go a bit mad. But am I wrong? Was I supposed to be the one to initiate the meeting? It doesn't feel like my place but now I'm wondering if I've missed a trick and if she's sat at home thinking to herself "Biteycat doesn't give a shit I've had a baby".

Any advice welcome!

I sent a message to say that I was sending my love and looked forward to meeting the baby

usually within a week of that i would get a response to say that it would be great to see you XYZ

i would never ever have invited myself over

Hmm that’s a difficult one - under what circumstances has everyone else met the baby? Did they all go round at once or individually? I think given you’re the only one who hasn’t seen them I think I’d message and say you’d love to see them and the baby and let me know when’s a convenient time if they’re feeling up to it 🤷‍♀️

That's what I think! I've said a couple of times that we're excited to meet the baby (all within the usual context of saying it, nothing that involved any pressure or assumptions etc) and they said it more times than me, but nothing... Glad it's not just me that thinks it's strange to invite myself!

“Let me know when you’re up for visitors, and we’ll pop by to meet the new addition”

surely? Then you haven’t invited yourself as such, more invited an invitation…

I think this is the sort of thing that either will come naturally or you can't get right.

Where people are looking to be they will be offended both by you asking, and by you waiting to be asked, thereby not showing enough interest.

For most people you'd just say I'd love to meet her - let me know when you're ready.

As far as I can tell they've invited some of our friends over to their house individually, but also went into our town and met up with a bunch of our friends for a drink, which makes me wonder if we're even considered proper friends at all. However, other than a message the day before her induction (which she told me about) to wish her luck, they're the ones who did all the communicating with announcements and updates, etc.

It's just left me a bit confused as to where I'm standing to be honest. Happy to not think too much into it as of course they're in the throes of newborn madness, but my friends' comment made me think I should've been inviting myself over or something.

That's essentially what I said to them weeks ago, don't really want to say it again.

have you checked in since then?
did you send a card?

Yes I agree, hence the thread! I've basically said all of that already so as far as I'm concerned the ball is in their court and any more communication from me along those lines would be seen as pushy. So shall perhaps leave it and continue waiting.

How close are you? How often would you usually get together?

Yep every time we spoke I asked after her, her husband and the baby. We've probably spoken about 4-5 times since the birth.

I have a card for them but they moved house before the birth. I was planning on giving it to them when they invite us over as I don't have their address, which they'll know.

but also went into our town and met up with a bunch of our friends for a drink

no one invited you at all?

That's the tricky thing. We're by no means best friends and don't often meet up just the two of us. We're part of the same friend group and will spend the evening chatting together whenever we do all meet up. We share big and small things that are going on in our lives, but can equally not speak for weeks (I have the same with most of my other friends so don't consider it an issue). I think I don't know where I stand with her to be honest. She'll treat me like a "bestie" but equally won't include us in things she organises with our friend group and then say things like "oh we never see you guys!" and I'm stuck thinking "because you haven't invited us...".

That makes it sound like I don't like her. I do, it's just a weird dynamic I'm not too keen on.

Nope, it's part of another issue that there are closer knit groups within the "big group" and DH and I tend to rarely be invited to stuff, but if we happen to turn up everyone seems very happy and stick to us like glue all night. It's weird.

Ok right so sounds like a history to all this of you being excluded. For lots of friends to get together for a drink and not invite you is telling. I wouldn’t push it any further at all. Aside
from the odd “hope all well enjoying lots of cuddles” kind of thing

After this long, it's reasonable to say 'Could we pop in at the weekend, we're free Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon if that works for you?' Then it's easy for them to say that they're busy both times if they don't want to see you.

Yes definitely leaning more towards leaving things now and will see what happens, thank you! We're usually included in the big things (birthdays, weddings etc) but not any of the small things.

It is the small things that indicate genuine friendship so yes…. Leave it

Think it's on the parents to invite anyone, and obviously they normally message close friends/family during early labour with ward details etc, so they have a rough idea, depending how long the labour takes, and they know visiting times, or know they're intending to go home soon after birth, and then the partner can update once they know what's happening, as you don't know how long you'll be there/whether you'll be kept in.
If you weren't close enough to be invited to the hospital/for home visits immediately, then again the couple really should message when they want visits, but they might be a bit tired and forgetful! So it's not at all rude to send a polite message again. Maybe by this stage, the mum would appreciate being invited out for a walk and coffee rather than you going to her house?

It sounds like bit like you are overthinking because of your history. Is it important that you see the child at this point? It’s not like with a close relative where I guess you would expect to.

I don’t think you should suggest days that you could visit. She will be in touch if she wants to sort something out. I would just leave it up to her.

Slightly off the topic but is talking about ‘ meeting’ a baby a relatively new thing? It always sounds odd to me (and kind of formal!) as it’s surely more ‘seeing’ it as the baby is too young to know what’s happening.

To be honest I wasn't until other friends looked shocked that I hadn't met the baby yet, and until my other friend told me I should've asked 🤷‍♀️ Tie that in with realising that everyone else appears to have met the baby, and here we are.

Oh no clue at all, their initial message said something about "introducing" us to the baby. Didn't occur to me it was a strange turn of phrase, but yes I'd say "seeing" is more accurate, hahah.

Don’t give it any more headspace. You aren’t missing out by not visiting and seeing it, and it’s not like the child will remember! 😬

Just send a message now saying, "hope you're doing well, I'd love to meet X - are you free y or z dates?"

Don't overthink it. It was nice of you to not put pressure on them just post birth - some of those 'horrified' friends might have visited at a bad time, but you wouldn't know!

I’ve been really rubbish at replying to messages that say ‘let me know when you’re free’ as your days and nights wildly vary with a new baby and my brain is too muddled with a lot of things to come up with dates myself.

However messages that are a little more concrete and take less brain power like ‘I’ve got next week off work and would love to pop in if you have a free day’, or ‘I don’t suppose you’d be around this weekend if I popped something over’ would get a more instant reply from me if you see what I mean.

Just ask if she fancies a coffee. Offer to bring around take out coffee and cake, if she's not feeling up to an outing. Don't overthink.
Even if you're not the closest of friends, it doesn't mean you're not friends!