Okay if you have a good relationship with your dad then stop reading now. Seriously. This thread is not for you and probably sounds like a load of mumbo jumbo. Please don't invalidate the experience of myself or anyone that posts on it.
If you had an emotionally unavailable dad (or a completely absent dad) how did your life turn out. Did you chase after emotionally unavailable guys and get your heart broken alot or did you go to therapy and get 'fixed'. How did you feel when you dated 'nice guys' and did it work out?
My dad was emotionally unavailable. He was physically there, he paid the bills and did all the DIY etc but as far as I was concerned it was like I didn't exist. He was moody, depressed, distant, uninterested in me. Worse he resented my existence since he hadn't wanted any more kids but got 'landed' with more. Didn't really talk to me, never, ever cuddled or comforted me. Didn't give me any guidance in life or explain stuff to me.
It got a bit better as an adult he would help me with jobs but always wanted to do the job and leave immediately after ie he had no interest in spending time with me. If I tried to visit him he would do everything he could to stop me. There was some abuse in the family by another family member and he did not protect me from it and enabled the abuser (it was not sexual)
I had at least 3 long term relationships with nice men who loved me. One I married, one I was engaged to but broke it off. The other I lived with but it ended after a few years. With each of these men who were kind, treated me well I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't love any of them and they all complained about lack of affection from me.
I had one 'relationship' with a man who had me cock-a-hoop from the first meeting. My brain had not figured it out yet and I was confused by my own behaviour but basically this guy was alot like my dad. Kind of stern, serious, made me work for his attention, cold, distant. At the start he seemed like he might be affectionate but it was very much intermittant and then later on he seemed to be completely withdrawn.
With this one I fell head over heels, became besotted, tried desperately hard to make him love me. I did eventually break up with him (3 times) and managed to stay away from him despite some fairly outlandish attempts by him to stay in touch/get my attention.
I'm in therapy now because as you will all know growing up with this kind of parenting (and that's before I even mention my mother who was worse) leads to all kinds of issues. For me I chose to be single after realising I needed to 'get fixed'. Dating nice guys was a waste of time as I wouldn't treat them right as I found them 'dull and boring'. Dating men who reminded me of my dad/were emotionally unavailable led to me chasing my tail trying desperately hard to be perfect and lovable presumably to try and heal the wound inside. Course men like that are only going to reinforce the would and will never love you so that's a dead end. So I rereconciled myself to being single (and I'm oldish now anyway) and having therapy.
My dad was not a bad person. He had a horrible childhood and grew up with lots of his own issues. I am very sad though that I never had a dad who loved me or even liked me. The damage was pretty immense. Unfortunately for me I had even more problems with my mum so that was no help either.
So for those of you with dads that didn't love you who did you marry and are you happy? For those that had therapy did it work? I'm very much on a journey just now of learning about myself, my childhood and my inner child. I waited 18 months to get schema therapy on the NHS and after I rocky start I am hopeful it will help me.