How parents arguing affects DC

[runnerbeenz]

DH and I aren't in a great place relationship-wise (I've posted about this before, but have just name-changed as I don't want to cloud this particular post with other things).

We normally manage to hide it from the DC, and function pretty well on a day to day basis, provide a solid base etc.

However, we just had a horrible row in front of DS, over dinner. It was one of those silly things that just escalated, you know when you end up arguing about how you're arguing rather than about the original thing. DH then stormed off to eat his dinner upstairs.

DS just sadly said to me "other families aren't like this, are they?" and it broke my heart.

So that's my problem... how it has affected him. He'll probably always remember this, as he's 14 and it's the sort of thing that sticks in your mind I suppose.

I wish I could go back in time and not let the argument even start. Aside from venting here, I just want to ask - how can I lessen the damage to my son? I suppose it's good that he recognises it's not normal (I don't want him to think it's ok), but sad that he knows we're not a healthy good family together.

Maybe the answer is to act chummy now with DH, but I feel so cross with him for storming off and making it worse.

I think at 14 you and his father need to be honest with him. He must be well aware that your relationship is not healthy.

Thanks for replying. DH is going away tomorrow for a few days for a planned trip, so that'll give us all some breathing space. It's hard to know how honest to be if talking with DS about it. I mean, he knows we're not a great couple. On the other hand, DH and I do work well together to do our parenting.

I feel like maybe it's best to be honest, but with positive spin to lessen the tense vibe. Eg "Your dad and I have such different characters to each other and that's how we end up arguing. But we work well to try and do the right things for you, and we both really care about you loads."

I think it's absolutely fine for kids to see their parents argue up to a point. So long as it doesn't feel physically unsafe. So long as the children don't feel scared. So long as they also see the parents come back to repair or resolve the argument at some point in the near timeframe.

I think acting chumy with your DH, or putting a positive spin on it would be unhelpful. Kids can sense the dishonesty. Just be honest.

You need to get your DH on board with resolving things calmly after a row, including apologising to each other for allowing your tempers to get the better of you.
You also both need to work on how you talk and listen to each other if you're going to stay together

It sounds like you haven’t been hiding it as well as you thought.

As a kid who witnessed this a number of times growing up it has had a big impact on me. To the point I have chosen to stay single rather than get married or have a family.

It happened that I am aware of maybe less than ten times. My father was the aggressor normally. Eventually he would storm out and I would have to comfort my mum.

I think one off arguments are fine (within a loving relationship shop) unless they get really personal and heated. It’s really important for dc to see their parents resolve the conflict and move on.
however if the relationship is bad overall then yes a 14 year old will totally have picked up on the vibe. They are not stupid.

Thank you to those that replied. That's helpful advice about modelling how to resolve things. I'd like to do that asap but I know that DH usually wants time to cool off.
Since the argument earlier, I've been speaking in a nice normal way to DH in front of DS. I'm trying give the impression to DS that we've resolved things. I know that this seems horribly fake, but I just want him to feel like things are alright. I grew up with parents having tension and showing their unhappiness, and it was awful, so I suppose I just want to make the atmosphere seem ok.
I do take on board what you all pointed out though, about 14 year olds not being stupid, and being aware. But surely it would be worse to let the bleak atmosphere persist, and better to try to create something less heavy (even if it's not 100% genuine).

I think it's ok for children to see disagreements but they also need to see you both resolve it in a calm and adult way. What they shouldn't see is shouting, name calling, swearing at each other, being vicious or nasty. That is not ok.

We can all be occasionally snappy or short with each other - when this happens, it's important for children to see their parents take responsibility and apologise sincerely. You are modelling conflict resolution and children learn from what they see.

My parents went through a period of having quite vicious and scary rows after a bereavement. This included shouting, screaming, throwing things on occasion. It was scary and very upsetting, I was about 12 at the time and remember wishing they would just divorce. I was always anxious and walking on eggshells around their moods. I still to this day do not like shouting and DH and I just don't ever do it. If we disagree on something, we discuss it, sometimes take some time to think things over and generally reach a compromise. I wouldn't want my children to have grown up in a household with shouting/name calling/aggressive body language and behaviour.

You and your husband need to find a better way to deal with conflict, perhaps through couples counselling. It's not fair on your son to behave this way and it is damaging.

I'm sorry to hear that your parents had arguments like that. Mine with DH aren't to that extent as we haven't screamed or thrown things, plus ours are fairly rare.... it's just that we all know things aren't right and it's not the loving relationship that it should be.
I always felt parents should never just stay together for the kids, so I can't believe I've ended up staying in this bad relationship for the DC. (If we were childless, I feel DH and I would have separated by now.)
I think splitting up just seems like such a big step, but I'm slowly starting to visualise it a bit more.
It is useful for me to read posts on here saying that children are better with separated happy parents rather than unhappy parents who are together... even though I find it hard to take it in.
I'm glad you found a healthy relationship, @whippersnapper55 , with better conflict resolution than what your parents had - it sounds like you and your DH model things really well.
My biggest fear in all this is that my bad relationship will affect my DC's own relationships going forward.

My ex grew up in a household where people had terrible arguments. He was a highly anxious person in life, but also normalised being cruel and verbally abusive as a way to have a disagreement. He would totally minimise his behaviour afterwards and think everyone else was too sensitive. Unsurprisingly, we separated and he has lost friends due to his behaviour.

Not to say your arguments are like the above, as you say they are rare, but I would say heated arguments in front of kids can have an impact as all kids want to feel secure in their own home.

If this really is rare, then that is totally normal, but if your dc is living with ongoing tension in the house, then you and DH need to plan for how to minimise this, as you don't want dc to get used to feeling insecure and anxious.