Anyone been nc with a family member for quite a few years, how did you handle it when that person was on deathbed ?

[WhatTheCatHeard]

Personally my pov is of that persons abusive and not been in your life because of that for many years, think 7/8 years or more
there no point going to see them as it’s giving them opportunity to say or do something toxic before they go

plus you won’t really be able to stuck up for yourself with dying person
if they start

amd you might well end up regretting hint to see them

With my father I didn’t go. I had no interest in anything he had to say and had no interest in “giving him peace”. It did cost me my relationship with several others who did go and were very, very adamant that I should.

When I was 14 I did see my mother when she was dying. She got a lot of comfort from it. I didn’t. I only really did it for my grandparents as I could see they were torn (they had brought me up from 7)

Why couldn’t they just respect your wishes
it’s obvious you must have had strong reasons for doing so?

sorry you been through all that

I was NC with a sibling for years before they died. Family members who disagreed with my decision and wanted me to give 'just one more chance' warned me that I would regret it if I hadn't and for some reason he died. Friends who didn't understand the situation also seemed to think I would regret it if I didn't 'make peace' with him and something happened. There was no deathbed to visit as his demise was sudden, but his health was not good (due to alcoholism) for years. I did not visit and have absolutely no regrets about that. I attended the funeral, but only because our parents asked me to as support for them.
For me, when I took the decision to go NC it was a final decision that I did not want him to ever be in my life again. I was not ever looking for that to change, and never felt I owed him any change of reconciliation or forgiveness. If I'd had the opportunity to see him on his death bed I would definitely not have gone. The only possible outcomes would have been upset for extended family members when I did not offer forgiveness/hugs and/or leaving myself open to nasty comments that it would not have seemed appropriate to react to.

I remember having a patient that was end of life and their adult children had asked specifically not to be contacted for updates including being told they had died. They were no contact. The patient’s NOK was their social worker. I respected their decision and there was zero judgement from any staff.

People are very opinionated on things like this.

If I had £1 for every time I’ve heard the phrase “…but you only have one dad” I would be incredibly rich.

Several times I had to resort to “given that mine punished cheekiness with the iron to my skin I’m very glad of that…” to stop some of the worst culprits over the years.

People are often very confident what they would do in someone else’s shoes, even if they have zero experience of it.

Yes that part is what I was trying to articulate, but you have so well, leaving yourself open to any nasty comments or behaviour that wouldn’t seem appropriate to respond to, that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to explain.

So very true.

I definitely won’t visit my abuser on her deathbed. She will probably outlive me anyway, she’s driven by hate and has so much of it.

It would be giving her one final opportunity to abuse me, so why would I? All I will feel if she does die before me is relief.

I have no intention of visiting NC family members on their deathbeds. They have had years to try to reconcile and have not used them. Their deathbed is literally too late. I did my mourning for them years ago.

I'm in a similar situation now. For context, I'm 77 and my sister is 79. She's in a care home with advanced vascular dementia. She has no memory of having had children or their father. 2 of her children have died and she has a remaining son who's 59 now. This son has been a heroin addict and in and out of prison for years. Contact with his mother has been sporadic to say the least. Usually when he wanted money. He's turned up again this week at her flat where her 2nd husband still lives. The son is dying with liver cancer and had no clue his mother is in care and has been for 12 months. However he now wants to see her and get a lift there. He's been ringing me and leaving messages and I've ignored them so far because I'm torn and feel guilty because of his situation. I haven't seen him for 17 years and he's caused his mother so much heartache over the years. I very much doubt she'd recognise him and I think he thinks he'll be welcomed with open arms.

I was NC with both my parents when they died it didn't change anything for me the reasons I left still existed so I didn't visit either or attend the funerals and I'm fine with it they don't magically become better people just because their dying

That's what I told my aunt when she yelled at me when I said I didn't care that my mother had died to me she was already dead

I agree with you , NC means NC

An NC parent is apparently in their last few months. Any remote chance that I would reconnect with them was abruptly demolished when I found out some even more unsavoury things about them. A leopard never changes their spots.