WWYD - disturbing incident at school

[cocomadam]

DD6 has told me about a disturbing incident at school today - advance warning - that at playtime a lad told a girl to show him her privates. She said that the lad gathered some of his friends around this girl in the playground and asked repeatedly and the girl repeatedly showed the boy her private parts. They are all 6/7.

My DD told me the children involved. I know the lad has been bullying a lot as there have been incidents in which a friend of DD’s has been the victim and the school has been involved in numerous occasions, so he has form. He is very sophisticated for his age and can be quite manipulative and coercive about his bullying, often choosing victims who he knows won’t or can’t speak up. The girl in this instance today is a lass with noticeable special needs.

My DD said that the bully lad was told off, and I imagine the school gave got involved, but I’m worried my DD was witness to this and hasn’t been spoken to and I’ve only heard it through her. She is generally a reliable witness.

i also find it disturbing this lads behaviour has escalated from bullying and picking on kids to this kind of sexualised coercion.

WWYD if your DD had told you this?

Bloody hell, horrendous really. Hes obviously massively in the wrong, and infeel so much for the girl, but as a 6 yr old he also needs to be protected too as well as punished, he's being exposed to too much adult chat or something else, worse maybe, and repeating it at school. Some children are more coercive than others and it can be off-putting, but they do remain children and I hope the school tales this hard with the kids parents. The parents of the poor girl must be beside themselves.

Tbh your daughter as a witness is also a victim so I'd make sure the school are transparent and honest a out ehat they're actually doing to help prevent this from ever happening again. It's such a young age to have a child a) behave this way b) be a victim in this way and c) expose ither children witnessing to such horrible behavior. Should be such an innocent time, what is that boy hearing or seeing at home.

Report it to the police. Children doing this are often the victims of abuse themselves. Call 999 and report it - your dd was a victim, too. By being forced to witness this, never mind the poor little lass who was subjected to it.

If it is the wrong route to take then I'm sure the police will correct you and advise you of the proper procedure, but that would be my first port of call. And yes, I went through something similar when my DS was about 7 and he was the the victim of similar behaviour. The police were fantastic with him and us.

Be aware school won’t be able to tell you what they put in place regarding this situation. I mean, they can tell you 5hey’ll be doing extra sessions on the swimsuit rule, but can’t tell you that little Billy will be closely monitored and little Sarah is having therapeutic support.

The NSPCC have a good hotline to advise on this kind of situation.

Definitely report it to the school, you don't know what the boy was told off about, they might not be aware - and if they are aware then you need to ask what they are doing about the harassment and sexual abuse of a vulnerable child.

Also of course, what they are putting in place to protect your daughter from potential abuse too.

Fucking hell. I’m so so sorry, for everyone involved. I don’t have any advice but with a similar aged daughter I’m just horrified by this.

I’d call the police

I would let the school know your daughter was involved if they dont already know and then let them deal with it through social services.
You cant phone 999 as someone has suggested as it is not an emergency happening right now.

This is a safeguarding issue and the school safeguarding lead should be dealing with it without your knowledge. Best factually write an email to the safeguarding lead, keep it short and unemotional, simply pass on exactly what your DD said to you. Also mention you are concerned your DD saw this incident and ask if they will be doing work around boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/pants-underwear-rule/

Report to the safeguarding team at the school, not police. Straight to safeguarding.

This 100%
School won’t be able to tell you anything about what is happening with other children, but it is obviously right that Let them know your daughter was affected and that you wish to know how they will support her. Ringing 999 isn’t appropriate, The school will be more than able to deal with this and they will know who to go to for advice and support should they need it

How horrible. The girl's parents should definitely report this to the police. If this were my child, I would also seriously be considering moving them to a different school.

Similar happened when my child was very young and in primary. A boy repeatedly made others look at his genitals and blocked them from leaving, reported it to class teacher who did nothing, then to head teacher who said this is normal behaviour at this age.

I’d ask for a meeting with school and ask if they are aware and what is being done to ensure everyone’s safety.

It’s not nice and I am sure you will email into school with your daughter’s account. The school would have marked this as a safeguarding incident.

You need to talk it through with your daughter and address it with her and not rely on the school.

It is actually very common for children to be curious about private parts. It’s at about seven that children become aware male/female differences. Although we never want to encourage it (of course!) - there is a balance to talking it through without being alarmist.

Don’t follow this advice!! Completely inappropriate use of 999. Let the safeguarding leads at the school desk with it. By all means contact them to raise your concerns (I would) but as PP said don’t expect them to be able to tell you anything specific. My main concern would be that the boy is a victim of abuse himself.

It is much more than not nice.

It is extremely worrying that a special needs child was consciously singled out for a form of sexual abuse and humiliation by a bully boy and his wing-men, young as they were. If I were that little girl’s mother I’d be beside myself. Can anyone be sure she knows?

Special needs children are massively more likely to be sexually abused and be abused as adults too.

And chances are this boy is also vulnerable and in trouble.

I called 101 originally and they told me to hang up and call 999, but that may be because the incident happened outside school and they child in question may still have been in the area <shrug>.
Either way, don't just let it lie. He's not going to magically stop and I'd want to know what the school propose to do.

I would contact 111. IMO, this is not something a 999 call would solve because this is going to require careful investigation by various agencies.

As a priority, you absolutely must contact the school about this as soon as you are physically able, and potentially even other parents if you're in touch with them to warn them of the situation.
The young boy's behaviour, whilst frankly terrifying, is probably as a result of something happening at home, and I would wager that this child is probably experiencing some kind of neglect at home and potentially even abuse of some nature, probably sexual. A normal 6 year old child should not have a reason to want to see someone else's privates, much less understand what it means. I feel concerned for the poor young girl, all the witnesses, and the boy himself.

I would also gently make sure your daughter knows that no one should ever touch her in her privates, nor should she show them to anyone else, and who she should talk to if something like that ever happens.

Source: My DP is an SEN youth worker, I am qualified in CYP Mental Health and Counselling.

@ScrollingLeaves this is where I disagree with you. I think you are placing an adult lens on childhood behaviour.

Yes it should be taken seriously and responded to appropriately. A six-year-old asking another child to expose themselves warrants an adult finding out what happened, checking the children are safe, establishing whether this was curiosity, imitation, coercion, repetition or other. Then the adults need to respond proportionately.

The appropriate response is to contact the school, who will contact the safeguarding team at the council if needs be, if the op is in any doubt that they don’t know about it already.

And then for the parent to speak to her daughter. To reassure her, to help her process it. As others advised look up the NSPCC pants rule.

There are steps between ignore it and call the police. And advising to call 101 or 999 - is missing the middle.

I see what you mean @Sweetbeansandmochi , but to my mind, the singling out of a vulnerable girl by a boy, for a group of boys to watch, was not normal six year old behaviour.

This was not like a line up of ‘show-me-yours and I’ll show you mine’ from mutually curious children.