If you have good social/ people skills, was it natural or learned?

[Hearts4Chesney]

I have autism. I also grew up with autistic parents and was quite isolated from the local community. I missed a lot of school too.

As an adult, I’ve often been told in the workplace etc that my people skills are poor. I want to fix this, but how? Where do I start? Are there any good books etc?

If your boss has raised this could you ask to shadow someone with good people skills for a day or
so to get some ideas of how to approach people, how to respond when they come over, how to reply or write emails etc?

I think I learnt from my parents. I was quite a shy child and was always surprised how chatty they were to other people and never thought I’d be able
to do that. But as I got older I realised I had to force myself to speak to people and that it wasn’t always their job to include me - I had to introduce myself etc. Now I think people probably think I’m quite confident and extroverted but I’m not really but have got used to communicating with other people and it comes much more naturally these days.

Could you learn some rules that you try to stick to? Look up and smile if someone approaches your desk at work, for example. Check emails include you saying please and thank you. Make sure you say goodbye to any nearby colleagues if you leave before them etc.

Yes there are lots of good books and resources on this!

What you need are social stories for adults. Here's an example: https://weraspies.weebly.com/uploads/6/8/5/9/6859492/business_meeting_social_story.pdf

Write down your main work related social stories. It's different for each person. Might be "arriving at work and saying hello" or "exiting a social conversation" or whatever. Then you can google that scenario and find resources other autistic adults have made.

Also recommend PeopleWatching by Desmond Morris and Games People Play by Eric Berne.

I learnt. I was very shy as a child.
A simple tip would be to watch people who you think have good social skills. What is it they do? Just watch for a while and then start to copy them.
You can also practise simple social interactions in low-stakes situations such as at the supermarket checkout.
Be prepared to make a few gaffes along the way, forgive yourself in advance, and don't let that derail you. It is a learning journey.
Are there particular behaviours that people have pointed to when saying you have poor people skills?

I was a naturally quiet child, my Mother and the sister closest in age to me were amazing with people. Natural talkers and entertainers. I

My Mother was very direct about me being too quiet. She had been on stage as a young woman. By today’s parenting she would be seen as unduly harsh but I’m actually grateful to her. She was very well read and loved quotes from literature and the bible. She used to say ‘no one got anywhere by hiding their light under a bushel’.

Observe, look for common ground and a non contentious question. I’m very observant, good at knowing who wants to or doesn’t want a chat.

I am on holiday, I grew up in an area that relied on tourism, agriculture and fishing as a rural community by the sea. I’m in Ireland currently and very much in places dominated by agriculture and tourism. Have had many a chat with those as openers.

Learned, I was very shy as a young adult and was deeply abused as a child.

i soon learned that that abuse taught me something, how to placate, convince, get people on side, and I also learned that being shy only harmed me, everyone is nervous or anxious in new social settings, so you can be who you wish to be.

I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed till I was 45. I taught myself social skills by watching others and by trial and error.

I have good people skills and learnt it from my father who used to take me everywhere as he worked (unusual I know)! Honestly, I can talk to anyone, anywhere about anything. I always say hello first and smile, comment about the weather, or a work situation and ask people about themselves. Did you get here alright? Did you manage to drop the kids off okay? I watch their reaction to gauge what level to pitch at. People tell me life story after 5 mins but also it is my job as I work with people. It really is time on the task so if you didn’t get the opportunity when you were younger I can see that you would find it harder now!

It's definitely something I learnt. I'd say I picked up quite poor social skills from both my parents and now am at least average. A turning point for me was realising not every conversation has to be high brow - an awful lot of people enjoy talking about completely inane stuff and actually you can have a lot of very pleasant conversations just passing the time of day with people. Start off in low stakes situations where you can practise. Smile a lot too.

My mum was really good at this stuff so I learnt a lot from her but you also have to spend time watching your peers and learning what's expected in a given situation. Although after a while it will come naturally (at least it does for most people - I have ADHD but not autism and I realise that comes with extra challenges). It's quite formulaic in some ways. I tend to find that being able to keep the questions flowing is at the heart of keeping a conversation going with most people although if you're talking about getting on with people at work that may not be the most important skill. There are loads of forums eg on Reddit where people discuss these things and they recommend books. And there are coaches that can help too if you're willing to fork out a bit. You could check out Michele Stills, Hannah Carmichael and Cally Stewart - they do coaching in friendship and people skills, each with a slightly different slant I think but they get a lot of ND clients from what I understand. I haven't worked with any of them myself but was interested in their work when I came across them.

I learnt. Like many of the pp I was very quiet and reserved as a child. Uni helped a lot. Then volunteering. Now I can get on with most people. my job involves a lot of people skills.

But certain people make me go meek

I developed a curiosity about people. But also did as others suggested and observed. I was also lucky in that I had a couple of friends who took me under their wing and helped me.

Do you know in what way they’re poor? Is it the way that you speak to people? Or that you don’t speak to people? Or something else?

Mine are 100% learned, I was beyond shy as a child/teen and hated speaking to almost anybody really! I just watched other people who I thought had good people skills and copied them. Somebody recently described me as ‘such a lovely person to talk to’ they’ll never know how big a compliment that was.

I am autistic and am in a job that requires lots of interaction with others (including customers) and my social skills are much better than when I WFH and communicated via email. It helps to copy people who are very good or widely liked and develop a style. It helps that I work in a place with 100+ employees so it’s easy to find people who everybody considers a good egg. Ime the more you practice, the better you get and it’s also important to continue practicing so it feels more natural.
I have adult kids who are very social and have noticed that their social skills decline when there’s been a period with limited interaction with others. My oldest purposely changed jobs from 100% WFH to 40% at home and it’s made a massive difference to his skills and happiness.

Like a pp, I'm autistic with a late adult autism diagnosis. I'm not naturally sociable and have learned my people skills by copying others (and sometimes by taking onboard comments when someone has told me that I have messed up).

I still find some social situations stressful but am pretty good in others eg I don't have any issues at work. I find that if you do things enough times, they sometimes become a habit and you don't have to consciously think about them every time.

I'm a primary school teacher and have to put on a bit of an act when I'm standing in front of the class in order to engage with the children. Nothing OTT - I'm still fairly quiet and calm; I don't turn into a children's tv presenter - just with a bit more life. If I find myself a bit "flat" when talking to adults, I remind myself to do the same as I do with the children.

Specific tips:
Smile when you see someone
Maintain eye contact but don't stare
Don't talk about your special interests too much or for too long
Remember things that people have said so you can ask them about it eg if a colleague says on Friday that it's their child's birthday party at the weekend then ask how it went when you see them on Monday.