Does childhood trauma at seven shape the rest of your life? (Been watching 70 up)

[Angstha]

If we are shaped by 7 where does that leave those with abusive childhoods? Just watched 70 up and pondering the old maxim. I had a very traumatic childhood but have worked so hard to have a good life since. Sad at the thought my early life could have such an impact on my entire life :( when I was 7 I was timid and scared as being hit at home and living with an alcoholic parent

We are shaped by our self-efficacy but adverse childhood events make many people less able to self determine and more likely to take up coping strategies that perpetuate further harm. You are full of self efficacy - you are building the life you want with mighty foundations.

I completely sympathise, OP. Unfortunately I'm more like the other outcome in @Bromatic 's post. I marvel at how some people who were abused/neglected as young children make a more or less consistent success of themselves and their lives. I couldn't, as hard as I tried. It twisted me up too much, and I was in the dark about its role in how I thought, felt and behaved for a long time. These days I'm just doing what I can to live with how it left me, but I don't have much in the tank for anything else.

You've done amazingly 💐

Just wanted to post to say I relate-I know sometimes we feel alone, or unworthy because we are not 'coping' like other poeple and even feel like that is a failure. I might be putting words in your mouth here, but if not, I just wanted to say I get it, you're not alone.
Take care all PP's who've suffered abuse. 💕

Different people have different abilities to handle things. It’s why the argument of “Well so and so grew up in the same house with the same abuse and turned out to be very successful” don’t hold water. We are born with different brains and some people are much more sensitive to things than others.
Getting the right sort of therapy makes a huge difference too. If you can access it.

Yeah it fucks you up. Not necessarily in ways that are visible though. Some traumatised kids become addicted to drugs/drink, some become addicted to having to be perfect and always performing for others.
I’ve always looked like I had a great life - successful career, two amazing kids, but until I got divorce from an emotionally abusive abd controlling man, and met a man who loved me and wouldn’t let me push him away, and had LOTS of therapy (only the last lot amazing) I had no idea what it felt to be loved and I have spent most of my life wishing I could die in my sleep (because killing myself would have been a failing)

It does absolutely affect everyone. Actually, having worked in this area I’d argue that you’re life from 0-2 is really important and will impact your future. But this doesn’t mean you are screwed. I’ve seen kids with an absolutely terrible upbringing go on to lead incredible lives. It will leave it’s mark on you but it doesn’t have to write your story for you.

I heard that the first 1000 days, which is 0-3 ISH are the most formative. The brain has done most of its growth and the hardwiring has been set, according to genetics alongside environment.

@BibbityBoppityTwo 's right. People vary hugely in how severe (or less severe) difficult events in childhood affect them ... stretching the meaning of 'events' to include long term low grade miserable atmosphere, negativity and joylessness, sometimes, as well as more obviously destructive experiences.

I think that all we can really say is that there's a significant number of people who are happy adults who had reasonable childhoods, and adverse childhood events/atmosphere drag many people down. It's very hard to tell further than that, I think, because a lot of people 'cope' and don't seek help and a very great deal of the research is very Western based. We see almost everything through our cultural lens and Im not convinced it's always as simple as that.

So no, I don't think a traumatic childhood always shapes the adult permanently, but in some cases it does. The question then is how far does it shape him or her, and that can be from relatively lightly (the dandelion children who flourish no matter what) to the people who are thrown entirely off balance and can never become whole(ish) or function.

Mind you at the far extremes of child abuse it's impossible to see how anyone could remain un-distorted from their natural growth.

@Gealach what could you expect the effect of severe physical neglect from 6 - 18 weeks in a newborn be, long term? Reasonable care before, good care after.

I’m not a medical professional or a psychologist but I don’t think anyone could definitively say what a long term impact could be. But the important thing is that the baby received good, responsive care from 18 weeks. That would mean a lot.

The traumas of your early life can be left in the distant past, you do this by changing the way you look at it.

So start thinking like a survivor and not a victim and remember not to repeat the horrendous actions of your alocoholic parent who made the mistake in allowing themself to be 'trapped' and controlled by the alcohol which lead to their attricious actions.

This way, you break the trauma cycle of weakness and free yourself from the past. Eventually you feel more at peace, strength and courage to live a happy life.

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.

A big factor is how many protective factors you have in place. For example you might experience a substantial bereavement but if you had appropriate support, counselling etc you will likely move forward.

It shapes you, without question. How could it not? But it doesn't determine everything that your life will be. It doesn't mean you can't have a happy, fulfilling, wonderful life. With hard work and a bit of luck you can have a wonderful life after an awful start.

What side is this on?

Also personally I think it can damage you

We are profoundly impacted by our early experiences.

Growing up with abuse doesn’t mean we can’t be happy though. The downsides are that i have a tendency to feel responsible for the emotions of others. I tend to overreact to criticism. It is very easy to get me into a state of fight or flight. I also made some monumental mistakes in early relationships. It isn’t all bad though. I resolved very early on that the way out was getting a good education and I never wavered from that goal. As a result i have an incredibly accomplished and well paid career. Its possible with a more nurturing environment i might have accomplished more, but i also might have done less without such inspiration.

Thank you for replies. I guess I just need to keep plodding on and trying my best. I thought I was doing ok but a couple of recent incidents where I was bullied at work and was too scared to go for promotion that everyone said I’d get have knocked my confidence. I look back at things and am baffled that I put up with certain things. But now I’m starting to think maybe it’s past trauma that holds me back

It can be trauma. But an extremely successful man I used to know commented quietly once in private that in broad brushstrokes men tend to unquestioningly assume they can do everything, while women need some reassurance and encouragement at first. He moved in superstellar strata, so maybe he's onto something!

I suffered significant trauma as a a child. Thirteen different schools, domestic violence, alcoholic parent, SA etc. I was engaged three times to really lovely men but I always fucked it up.
Settled down with ex partner. Had a child during nine years of horrendous domestic and emotional abuse. I eventually managed to leave and luckily he quickly got someone else pregnant (although all during her pregnancy he was still chasing me)
I was a single mum for seven years before meeting dh. As soon as the relationship got serious I started trying to push him away, but he wouldn’t go. I was absolutely vile to him, I was so broken. After 10 years our marriage was in a really bad place and he came close to leaving. He told me I made it really hard for him to love me.We did split but it was what I needed. I realised what I stood to lose. We got back together six months later and we couldn’t be happier. He truly saved me. He helped me through so much pain that wasn’t his to hold, today I’m still a bit bonkers but he helped me understand why I was like I was, and in my insecure moments he never gets angry. He just holds me while I work through them.
we’ve been married thirty years now. We are foster carers and I do see clearly that some children have much better coping mechanisms around trauma and much better resilience. We can usually see early on which are the children that will go on to lead happy lives.
They all need help and I hope my past helps me understand their trauma and help them.

I'd say yes, how could it not? Your body goes into a constant survival mode and you learn how to try and stay safe. For me, by spending a lifetime of trying to please others especially men, not speaking up with opinions incase of hurt, ready at all times for ridicule and dislike from others, being happiest and safest alone.
Lots of therapy and non contact with the abusive parent has helped enormously.
All the best Op x

I'd say yes, it took me until my mid/ late 30's to realise this though. I had coped by using 'trauma denial' but you cannot outrun what's happened to you in my opinion and something will always trigger it eventually.

It is such a fascinating topic, I have a friend who is extremely successful in their career and financially but had a traumatic upbringing. While from the outside they look the image of success but you can see that things are falling apart a bit recently, aged 50 because they keep running away from and not dealing with their feelings. I think this is very common of people of my generation e.g. 40s/ early 50s, no one spoke about how shit things were.