How do busy parents make an older house feel settled?

[filigreet]

Last year DH and I bought our dream house after years of renting. It was an expensive property but we love it, the location, the schools, the local amenities, and our neighbours. But while I love my new house it is in need of a lot of updating and work to really be what I want it to be. However we both work full time, we have two primary school age children, we're both late 40's and exhausted by the end of the day and weekends are taken up with keeping the kids entertained or ferrying them to various classes and birthday parties.

It's beginning to dawn on me that we don't have the funds to get people in to do the work we need doing and we don't have the energy or skills to do it ourselves. I'm putting off buying bigger items like furniture until I know when we will be decorating or getting the needed work done but that we are no further on than we were months ago.

I often feel like I am just flying by the seat of my pants through life and never really getting it how I'd like it to be. Perhaps life is like that for everyone? I don't know but I do know some people seem to be able to make life and their home seem cosy and aesthetic and have this much more tranquil sort of life regardless of their circumstances.

I want to know how do I become one of these people!

Solidarity here. We’re 4 years in to a big project. We’ve done about half including two big building elements (loft conversion/ground floor extension). It’s tough going and I often question my life choices but I love the house and the refurbished parts are wonderful. We left the last house we renovated top to bottom and somebody else is enjoying it. I’m fully expecting another 4-5 years to completely finish as it’s a large house. But I’m at peace with doing it in phases!

I agree with PPs about splitting it into rooms/areas and working through it. Prioritise areas you spend most time in - living area/kitchen/garden (for next spring/summer depending how usable it is). Definitely sort the re-wire/plastering first. Freshly plastered walls don’t need to be painted straight away and are better than dodgy electrics and holes in the wall.

Once you start completing bits, you’ll honestly feel better and a sense of achievement. Stay strong!

I think we need to get someone in to check and see. We might just need a new consumer box and new sockets but if it needs doing in the next few years or so then we'd be better to do it before we spend a fortune on other things.

@DrWatsonsWalklingStick I think I am starting to see that some people just have bags of energy and are very tolerant to living on a building site and I just want it done. I think if we'd got here earlier in life I'd be more up for it all but at my age after work and spending time with the kids and doing all the basic things to keep the house and family running I'm ready for collapsing into bed. It doesn't help that I'm perimenopausal and DH is starting to get a few health niggles all very common for our age but it does sap our energy levels even more!

If you don't know how to do something, YouTube and reddit will guide you through step by step you can learn anything from them but obviously don't go touching electrics but DIY etc easy peasy with the Internet now.

@LarryForPrimeMinister This is true, I think exhaustion and mental fatigue is a big part of the picture too though so while the spirit is willing I often just don't have the energy to do these things. However we will have to just grit our teeth and get on with it regardless or we'll still be living like this in another year!

It cost us £13k to rewire a 1960s house in 2021 - three bedrooms, two bathrooms, two reception rooms, kitchen/diner and utility. Some of that cost was redecorating and storage as it was mid-covid so we had to completely clear out while the work was done - God bless my parents for letting us move in for a month.

The first one sounds like us -

We bought a 3500 sq ft Victorian house when DS had just turned eight. I'd been running my business (a fashion/gift shop) that had recently closed, so I did loads of the DIY during the day whilst DH worked as a designer commuting every day. I tiled floors etc, but he did the plastering as he's very good at it! After dinner we'd both do more DIY, then we'd spend at least one weekend day on it too. It was relentless - not least because the house had previously been divided into several flats, so I spent lots of time removing partition walls etc. Took ten years, then we sold it and started again, although by then we were running an online business together, so had more time at home. These days (we're still renovating a different house!) he's got a new career as a conservation builder 😁

Making lists of every single - however small - job is a must, as is ensuring you tackle a living room early on in the process. We always do that...plus the garden as it's so important to have little oases to escape to! Also, involve the DC - our DS is an adult now, but as well as having a philosophy degree and a completely different day job, he's extremely talented at all aspects of DIY unlike loads of his friends.

We're slowly working our way through redecorating the house, it doesn't need a big project but every room needs an update. My two limiting factors are time and money! Even paint is expensive! It has taken about two years to get through a good proportion of the rooms. Basically it seems to take me 2-3 days per room and we only have one day a weekend that both of us aren't required for ferrying children about so I mark out three weekends in the calendar as decorating and just crack on. I moaned about this to a couple of friends who told me they did it after the kids went to bed and just worked till the early hours. I consider myself to have a fair bit of energy but that seemed a bit much to me the only thing I could think of other than I'm not as energetic as I thought was that one didn't work the other worked part time where as I work full time and sometimes more hours than full time.

Bought an older house than yours and got wiring checked it’s fine we just needed new fuse box and sockets so you might be ok and can get on with the good advice on here.
We are extremely busy too but focused on one room at a time we did do bathrooms first because i hated the old bathrooms and Im glad we did, somewhere nice to shower made a big difference , then moved on to bedrooms Take before / after pics and celebrate small changes too!

"often feel like I am just flying by the seat of my pants through life and never really getting it how I'd like it to be." I feel seen!

We're in this position too, 2 years into a renovation moved into 1 month before baby arrived. We take turns to do what we can and the other hangs out with toddler of takes them away for weekend to gparents. We do wee bits in the evenings sometimes and take annual leave to do bigger things and have had to get trades in for periods either going away for a week or finding trades that are tidy enough whilst you live there. Definitely rewire before doing anything else if its needing done, incl thinking about power for cooker if thats being changed and where you actually want plugs! Then one room at a time. Do a plastering course and save yourself loads of money if you can, or find apprentice trades that will do homers at a good price, accepting things might not be absolutely perfect. If you can, in a couple of years take money out of mortgage to do some of the bigger projects.

Good luck! And congratulations on your dream house, its a marathon not a sprint.

I could have written your post except we're 13 years in 😂
House is nowhere near where I'd like it and will probably take the best part of 100k to get there. Not happening just yet!!

However, it's perfectly liveable. What tends to happen is around the end of November, I get very twitchy about it looking shit for Christmas and embark on a decorating project. Amazing how much energy you have with a deadline. Last Christmas I completely stripped a room, sanded and oiled the original floorboards (which was an absolute bastard as they were painted in bitumen) and painted the entire thing. Bear in mind the room is 35sqm so it was quite a job. Looks bloody great tho so I'm happy with it.

Small tasks and set yourself deadline goals.

We live in a project house. It’s liveable but needs a ridiculous amount of work and we’re overwhelmed at times but going one room at a time. We’ve given ourselves a target of five years which feels like a long time but it’s a big house and we want it doing right x. X

Start with getting the information you need. Presumably you had a survey so you know if there are any major things (like roof) to do? You now need to get a reputable firm of electricians to do you a report on the wiring. If that needs to be done it must be done first.

For info, I know a couple who bought a doer-upper about 12 years ago. They did do bits, but they are only just getting finished.

So long as the house is safe and liveable, it's ok to take it slowly. The key is to make some progress, so if you start stripping wallpaper very slowly that is all moving you in the right direction. Commit to a realistic amount of time each week and prioritise it - could you commit to one hour, or even two? Can both of you commit? Only commit what you can honestly manage, consistency is what you need.

When you get to the point that you have one room ready to paint, start by painting it white. If you're overwhelmed then making loads of style decisions is probably too much. Plus you need to not waste time or money on areas that will get disrupted by later works, including the rewire if needed.

You just have to accept that it will take time. My partner is a builder and completely renovated are whole house and built and extension , in that time we have had two kids and 4 years on, it is finally finished. It is hard work, but so worth it. Don’t rush and just do what you can at the time. There is no quick fix with something like this.

We’re in a 100 year old property that needed alot of updating. We also have 3 children, 2 of those were under 3 when got the place, with a business to run. We’ve only just managed to paint the whole house and we moved in last Christmas, still no carpets down upstairs. It’s been very overwhelming I won’t lie, also no funds to hire professionals.

If you are warm, dry, fed and watered and able to wash you are fine.
Break work down into annual tasks.
Nobody needs a show home, your house needs to be functional and do its job for your family.
Please forget candles and diffusers, frightfully unsmart...

I took on a doer-upper at 48 as a single mum with a 3yo. I think I know how you feel.

I did a room at a time. Don't try to fix everything at once or you'll stress yourself into a fizz.

It's September now, so concentrate on the sitting room being perfect for xmas. The advantage of having lived with a house for a while is you know how the light falls in morning & evening, how you use the room, if it is cool or warm.

I tried to decide of a "feel" I wanted, a colour scheme, a budget and a timescale for each room. eg my sitting room is on the north side of the house. It gets some sun late in the day but is quite cool. I wanted a relaxed country house feel, not a show home.

Set aside a weekend for redecorating, and try to ensure dcs are away for the weekend or at least busy for most of it. Agree who does which task. Who is more patient and does prep better (washing down walls, sanding skirting boards, repairing holes in walls etc), and who is better at painting. I didn't need to do that, it was all me 😁 Buy paint etc during the week. Do prep on Friday evening, quick meal, dust sheets on. Go for it. That leaves two days for painting which is enough to get walls done and one coat of paint on woodwork. Ceilings are a sod and I did them gradually because I wasn't strong enough to do them in one go.

Reward yourself with a rest weekend. Do minor finishing up, 2nd coat on woodwork etc, on weekend no. 3. Once the room is painted, the fun part is choosing furnishings and finding permanent homes for cherished possessions. Then the same process on a 2nd room. I did my ds' bedroom next. He chose the colours and duvet cover/curtains.

Don't discount any source of materials. My office "desk" is a brilliantly solid pine table that came from a council recycling shop for £12. I got white emulsion cheap on GumTree when someone over ordered. Mixed with more expensive things, they are perfect. Doing a house gradually also means you can pace yourself on budget.

Enjoy the process.

It probably won't need a full rewire, if the consumer unit is older then get that changed, you will probably need more sockets and a full check but if the wiring is the modern type not the old rubber type it should be ok. Our wiring from the late 80s was fine but we needed a new consumer unit as that was dated and we couldn't have new sockets because of this.

When you say “old house” what age is it OP as that will make a difference to specific advice.

without knowing that my thoughts are

1. an old house is never “ a finished house” so yes, stop comparing
2. what actually needs to be done. I’d start with the priorities which to me are the fabric of it eg windows, pointing, roof, gutters and so on. What’s urgent, what’s nice to do and what’s not important for the next 10yrs. Then plan for that.
3. decor, depends on the above
4. renovation, get the basics in place first
5. furniture and so on, use Facebook marketplace place, fairs and secondhand stores, you can get almost new gorgeous things without spending much.
6. large rugs and lamps are a quick fix for freshening up a look.

I think to be honest to answer your last question about going through life smoothly it takes planning. You have to anticipate what is manageable. (We bought a new build that didn’t need any work when we were both working full time with kids as it was clear we’d have no capacity for home renovations, also we’re not interested in spending time on that.) We haven’t even managed to unpack all the boxes we brought from our old house 5 years ago!!

In you shoes if selling up
isn’t an option - can you either borrow money to renovate, or go methodically room by room, maybe starting with the living room so it’s a tidy sanctuary and as it’s what guests see. One of you takes the kids out on Saturday while the other focuses on renovations.

Be really careful though, my friend and her husband split up after 5 years of home renovations that he was managing (trade.) It puts awful strain on a marriage/family. You need to recognise and change something before it gets to that point (back to planning…)

Good luck and don’t be afraid to call it a day if it’s really impossible.

Our kids are 15 and 18 and we moved in two years ago, but we still have soooo much to do. The kitchen has only had a glow-up (new worktops, floor, cupboards painted) because we had a leak so used the insurance money. Kids' bedrooms were done first (new paint, cheapish carpet and cheap curtains) lounge 6 months ago (paint job, ebay fireplace, new sofas (on credit card :-( probably not advised). I've done all the painting around my work. Painting the hall and stairs has taken me several days but spread over months, and I have no idea when we'll get the bathrooms redone or new carpets - it'll be years, and we are 50. We were naive when we moved in about how long it would take. We lived with brown old leather sofas that came with the house until a few weeks ago and now are using our old corner sofa that doesn't even fit/covers half the fireplace. So I'd echo others and say one room at a time, and try to ignore what isn't done/won't be done for ages. Painting can make a world of difference, and actually once the fiddly bits are done can be quite quick. Coat paint is expensive but amazing and satisfying to work with. The paint job doesn't need to be perfect either, for now. Is it plastered or wallpapered? It's hard with little ones. I did our last house when they were small but I work from home so could switch my schedule around.

Prioritise finding out if you need a rewire or less invasive work as you can plan from there with that knowledge. Also consider whether other dusty/disruptive stuff will need doing (sanding floors, renovating windows) and work that into your timeline/budget.

Then decide which rooms you need most to feel like "home" to relax in and do some temporary but not huge/expensive stuff to make it something you can live with. For us we chose the breakfast room (which was later going to be knocked into the kitchen) as it seemed to be where we hung out the most and where we sat with guests when they came round. Thorough clean, threw out the old blinds (decided we could live without any as at back of house), neutral paint on the walls and put up some pictures. Although it all needed doing again later when we finally had money for the kitchen it was hugely beneficial in the meantime for mental health reasons! We also made our bedrooms nice spaces to retreat to.

Ours was meant to take 18 months. It was 4 years in the end. No regrets though and actually the gradual process was useful as we were learning to live with the house and how we'd use the rooms which wasn't always what we first envisaged.

Agree with pp it does sound like you need clarity on the wiring situation as that seems to be paralysing your decision-making on everything else. Our house is late 70s and doesn't need a rewire. Will need a new consumer unit at some point but not urgently.

Get an EICR electrical survey and go from there. If nothing comes up that requires bashing into any wall/ceilings, you know you can proceed with decorating. Then make a list of everything that needs doing and create a priority order.

Like @Gggdryvhu every now and again I will take DC to grandparents for the weekend so DH can crack on with a load of jobs that are hard to do with them in the house. He gets through a ton of stuff without the rest of us there!

Get quotes before you assume you can't afford to get work done by trades. We paid a decorator to paint our whole house and it was actually a hell of a lot cheaper than I would have thought (and totally worth it!).

I am in the exact same situation. If you live near me we could be best friends. :-)

Take time off work where you can!!