How low is your relationship ‘bar’?

[Heysham1]

There’s been a couple of discussions today that have showed that we all have very different views as to what we would tolerate in a relationship. Some would call it a day if their husband was staring at younger women and others would tolerate a long-term affair.
I’ve always known that my tolerance is pathetically low and I’ll tolerate any shite that comes my way (except violence), but I was wondering what others would put up with.
I’m not really thinking about short term relationships, more ones that would break up a family etc.

Five year relationship, with a shared toddler, or actually any relationship that made me consistently unhappy over a 6 month period, where there was no sign of any effort on partner's part to improve things or find a solution, then I'd leave,

And have.

It was the right decision.

I don't think I'm unusual in having raised my bar after being treated badly by someone in my late teens/early 20s when it was lower. I had a horrible boyfriend at that time that lied and cheated and I stayed with him. We split when I was in my early 20s which was the best thing that ever happened to me!

After that I was single for quite a while and really raised my standards and my expectations. When I met DH I knew he was a good one and we've now been together for 15 years and are very happy.

I agree with a PP that we need to be a team and we need to treat one another with respect. If he was chatting to other women online then I'd be off like a shot and we have two young DDs so I don't say that lightly but the moment we don't respect one another then the relationship would be dead anyway.

I love DH to bits and he makes my life vastly better by being in it.....but if he started making my life worse then I know I would be ok on my own. Having been in a relationship with a lot of stress, arguments and dishonesty in the past then I'd genuinely rather be single than have that again.

What about occasional, solitary use of porn (husband, not me)?

Married 25+ years, grown kids. He's a good guy, a great dad. We met very young and it was intense followed by an unintended pregnancy but we have been together a long time and I can't quite get past the fact that my bar now is vastly different to what it was when we met and there is a lot I just wouldn't put up with if I met him now.

I remember going round to a friend's years ago and she was telling me about all the reasons she was going to divorce her DH. I was really surprised at them, as all but one of them were things my DH had done and I hadn't thought of divorcing him 🤣 nothing to do with other wpmen btw

Fantastic!!!

mines on the floor sadly. Both my long term relationships saw me taking a lot of crap from them - and then they both left me. I am embarrassed to think of it now. I was so desperate to preserve the family . I didn’t even love one of them.

Only read OP posts not FT.
This type of behaviour can be typical of neurological conditions such as FTD. Especially with bedding slot of prompting for stuff.

Check the AFTD website and see if he fits the profile. Then think about whether you stay or go. I've chosen to stay but it can be hard.

That’s difficult to address because people’s private sexuality activity can be off-limits.

However, we all know the current harm and addictive nature of digital porn (possibly very different from paper publications decades ago). There is also the issue of the baron caused to the people involved in making it. The stats on the rate of child abuse experienced by women in porn undermines any “it’s their choice” argument.

The kind of images, ideas and routine abuse of women in porn would be a huge concern to me. I would not want a partner who found any enjoyment in sexual abuse and violence towards women.

I don’t think you can expect adults to change their choices like these ones. I would talk about it and see what he said about his role in such an abusive industry but ultimately, those are his choices and you need to make ones that prioritise you. Living alone has some massive benefits!

Good luck finding a solution you’re happy with.

I won’t tolerate oggling, sexualised “banter” anything pervy, or saying stuff either negative or positive about other womens appearances (I like the fact that Dh never ever remarks on anyones appearance, it’s irrelevant to him, he is a genuine “judge you by the content of your character person, he’ll be perfectly polite to everyone). I have met men who are only pleasant to women they deem attractive and it’s not appealing. I’m sure he does notice attractive women but he doesn’t need to share it with me and I don’t share it with him, there would be no need and tbh I always think theres a little bit of steel in it when you are in a relationship with someone and you point out someone else's attractiveness.

I definitely don’t like men who are misogynistic full stop.

Lazy men, the ones who “don’t see” the stuff that needs to be done or are lazy with their children. I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate someone who can’t look after themselves let alone anyone else. DH happily does his bit at home and with DC and he reeled me in by cooking for me (he’s very good).

I’m actually very low maintenance in terms of things like gifts, flowers (more etc but so is DH. I just expect respect and kindness.

DH is a lovely tbh I doubt I would bother again if anything happened.

Also made horrible mistakes before him and accepted some really shoddy treatment.

*private sexual activity
*abuse not baron!

Im another who has a very high bar after shit relationships in their twenties.
One part of that is that I do not tolerate men who pretend they are incapable of learning how to do housework, cooking etc and I believe personally its actually more disrespectful than cheating, expecting someone to clean up after you. And i am not afraid to say 'wow, he's really convinced you he doesnt know how to Google things hasnt he' to people!

That’s really interesting, thanks. He does have depression and a brain condition, plus is on high levels of pain-killers.
we had an honest chat a couple of days ago. Really the first honest chat we have ever had!
He has booked a local counselor and says he wants to change.
Whether our marriage will survive this or not, I can’t say. He has to completely change the life he has been living for years. He also has a great deal of unresolved grief, going back years and I think this fantasy life is part of that. It’s been an interesting post. We all differ so much.

All good points, thanks. Agree entirely, most of us wouldn’t tolerate any depravity. His ‘fantasy’ is more that he imagined himself younger and with a better job and therefore someone who could approach these stunning younger women. So, loads and loads of messages sent to profiles (that to me were obviously either fake or scams). Joining dating apps, but not quite completing the process etc etc.
Although he rarely got any messages back (except asking for money!), in his mind, there was the fantasy that there might actually be a relationship.

It does feel embarrassing doesn’t it? But we also know that we shouldn’t feel any shame. We tried our best in the circumstances we found ourselves in.

That’s really interesting — especially as I saw you said he has a brain condition — because fantasy lives that don’t require the subjugation of others is very different to porn. I guess if he’s paying to be on sites with scammers that creates its own issues.

Great that he recognises a need to change — which will help him regardless of the survival of the marriage/your decisions.

I think I’d want some honest discussion if a compelling “fantasy” for him is that random, inappropriately young women would indicate his “success” because he doesn’t value the reality of you and your partnership.

Very best with it all.

Thanks for your insight on this and taking the time to post. Moving forward, I think it’s easy to put the past behind us, but he obviously needs counseling to move ahead with his life, with or me. Thanks again.

And you need to know you’re valued and cared-for and definitely not a consolation prize!

I hope you get support and care too. :-)