Exhausted now, but dreading the day I’m no longer needed

[Sadturtle]

Does anyone else desperately want their life back but also feel terrified of getting it back?

DC is 5 and I love him to bits, but between work and parenting I feel like my entire life revolves around him. DH and I are often exhausted. I miss friends, hobbies, proper time together, just having a bit more freedom.

But then I look at families with 12/13-year-olds and feel genuinely sad. They seem so independent and so much less interested in their parents, and I keep thinking that in a few years this incredibly intense stage will just be... over.

I know he'll still need us, obviously. But not like this.

And that's the part I can't get my head around. I am exhausted by how much he needs me now, yet the thought of him not needing me makes me feel empty.

It feels like I should be looking forward to having more freedom, but instead I almost dread it. I feel I have nothing to look forward to.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Well for example, yesterday I took DD shopping to buy her some stuff for uni (this also involved us stopping for coffee and cake at a cafe) and gave DS a lift to play padel with his friends (car journeys are always a good time to catch up on what's going on in their lives). Then in the evening we all ate dinner together. But in between, I also had time for a nice relaxing bank holiday off work. Mine aren't rude to me either. Personally I prefer teens to young children!

Your children still need you at 12. Of course they do.

It’s different to how a 5 yo needs you (as it should be).

My teenage D.C. have both left home and they still need us. For all sorts of things, both practical and emotional.

Raising children is about creating fully functioning adults.

I’m nearly there and it’s a source of incredible pride, not sadness.

If in 10 years time your D.C. still needed you like he needs you now that would be a source of incredible stress, sadness and regret for you,

You are worrying about entirely the wrong thing.

Why are you so exhausted with one five year old? I think you need a blood test tbh. A singular child should not so tiring. Or you are doing way too much and need to cut back, and chill. Socialise with other families during the day as solution?!

Once they hit teen years, they are going to festivals and parties and you are exhausted in a different way. This is the easy bit op tbh. You know where they are every night...

Does your five year old never get cross? When he was a toddler did he never throw a tantrum? When he was a baby, didn’t he cry sometimes? The (relative and periodic) rudeness of teenagers is just as much a key developmental phase as a baby discovering object permanently, learning to walk, a reception-aged child learning to read. They absolutely still need you. They’re just further along their way t9 being independent human beings!

I totally get this it is a weird feeling. You want to hold on to the moment. What I will say is my kids are 14 and 17 and they absolutely still need me just in a different way. My Mum would argue I still need her and I agree. I love the relationship with my older kids. Don’t get me wrong it can be heartless and thankless task sometimes parenting teens! But I take the wins and I enjoy the person they are becoming. Build your own life, it’s easy to forget ‘you’ in all this. Don’t feel guilty as they grow, about enjoying things for you. They will respect you more for having a life and get to know you as a person not just Mum. It’s actually pretty fabulous to have time to yourself. I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen for two years recently, as she lives abroad. We went to the spa and it was bliss! No responsibilities just me being me again. Look forward and enjoy x

I have also been reflecting on this. I loved being “mummy” to my DD. We were very close until she was 11, but inevitably she developed a sense of self and I can’t be wound into every thread of her life.

I found 12 or 13 was not bad - be “the air in the room”, set sensible boundaries, remain calm in face of adolescent tantrums, engage where needed. We found connection through cooking, holidays, and watching TV series and films late evenings.
I was definitely still “needed” for advice, very occasional homework help, chats about friendships and schoolwork problems.

14/15 was our worst so far. Dd in her room, Spotify and friends and books her main companions (barely watches TV or films now, and definitely not with family). Doesn’t even enjoy mealtimes with us at this stage. Rude and lazy and sometimes unpleasant but by end of year 15 just scornful and distant. Still loving family holidays though.

Dd is now 16 and I think she’s mellowing again. I have tried to adapt how I parent - I don’t push or pry. I watch. I gently coax and guide and suggest but very little of this. Occasionally of course I lose my saintly parenting powers and shout at her but it’s rare we have blazing arguments now.

Not looking forward to this year of GCSE stress.

I do wonder what kind of adult she will become but I hope she’ll be the girl the outside world sees - friendly, caring, bright, creative, hard-working and adventurous.

Hopefully the slightly lazy rude teenage skin will get peeled off and discarded amongst the litter in her bedroom, and she’ll emerge into young adulthood like any normal kid.

Don’t worry Op - just follow the journey.

After 4 children, all now adults, I've come the tiring conclusion that they need your more as teens and it's more stressful. It's also incredibly rewarding. Don't even ask about how much I worry about my adult children in this world!

Help navigating issues or school work.
Telling me about her day to decompress.
Gossip , “mum I’ve got tea!!!”.
Advice/opinion.
Buying her shit.
Being the adult(that she needs for entry) at concerts,events, theatres etc.
Hanging out, sometimes she actually just wants it to be the two of us, rather than going with friends/in a group.

My youngest is 12. Yes she does spend time with her friends quite a bit but she still needs me. She often makes me and dh a cuppa, we watch tv or a films together. We still have days out together. One of the best things I like is she gives me impromptu hugs 😁. She has an attitude one minute then the next she wants a cuddle haha. It's just part of growing up.

I would book an appointment with your GP. That level of tiredness is not normal. Could you be anaemic?

I think parenting evolves and adapts as your child grows.... OP your 5 year old is way more independent than 4 or 5 years ago when you had to pick them and carry them, feed them, try to work out what they needed from a cry or expression ...and you've got used to that, in a gradual way.

The "firsts" are anxiety inducing, first time they stay at home alone, or walk to school alone, stay out late etc, go out drinking. Driving is going to be pretty scary, we havent got to that yet, and
I'll admit I booed my eyes out leaving DD at uni....but she still needs me, just in a more remote way. Lots of WhatsApps asking how to cook x, what setting to put the washing machine on, how to write a resignation letter etc.
And its nice to spend time with them more as equals when they dont "need" anything as such until the bill arrives
I still lose at play card games with my 16 year old DS most days, and he likes to debrief about his school day, or sports matches. He spends a lot of time in his room or playing computer games but we get time to talk at dinner, or in the car, walking somewhere together etc

Thank you everyone, lots of other angles to think from. You genueny made me feel so much better, big hugs xxx

I’ve got a 16 & 18 year old. There are moments when I miss having a tiny person, but I overall I’m happier now I think, I’m much less tired! It’s nice to have time for me again, and they definitely still need me a bit, teenagers still have stuff to learn, need lifts, neither are close to financial independence! I’ve been to festivals and concerts with them, we go on nice holidays, they’re good company. But also DH and I can leave them alone and go to the pub together if we fancy, we’re going away for a weekend later in the year and my son is going to look after the cats.