Grandparents have no interest in grandchildren

[purplesofachair]

my DD has retired by the sea for a few years now. Originally he said he’d settle nearer his grandchildren (5 and 7) to make sure he was a regular feature but then somewhere along the line changed his mind. He’s a 4 hour drive from us.

i love my DD and have always had a great relationship with him. But the last few years he’s become isolated in his seaside bubble with his wife.

They have a lovely life with regular holidays and dogs but no longer seem to want to engage with his kids or grandkids.

This summer we asked if we could stay for a few days to try and rebuild the relationship but the whole trip was awkward. We felt like we were imposing on their set routine and they made very little effort to engage with our children. We invited them out on every day trip but they preferred to stay at home and watch the cricket.

i guess I’m looking for thoughts on how to accept this. It’s his prerogative to spend retirement how he likes and children may not play a part. But it’s so hard when many of my friends have parents who love seeing their grandchildren and happily play an active role.

i genuinely believe if I didn’t call or message I’d never hear from him again. I believe he still loves me just doesn’t think to check in.

He also makes statements which are hard to hear such as “I’m sorry we can’t visit you, but we have 2 dogs which make it hard” and then in the next breath tell us about the 4 holidays they have planned this year.

i hate feeling resentful and sad so would love some thoughts on how I can accept this is simply the hand I’ve been dealt and stop trying to force it.

thanks for reading

Because quiet simply it’s one day out to a place that they are going to anyway. One day that would be lovely for their only grandchild that would help us out while we work. One day.
Not the earth, one fucking day.
They know we struggle every summer. But they couldnt be less fucked.

Well I hope they don't count on you when they start having mobility/health problems. Can't believe people can be so selfish! I am so lucky with my Mil- she's 82 but always up for having one of my teens over for lunch / sleep over because she loves them and enjoy being around them.

I'm so sorry OP. That's absolutely horrible for you. I hope you can learn from your experiences this summer, learn from them, detach from your Dad and spend more time with people who do love you and your children. It's very very hard not to brood or ruminate on something like this, I fully understand, but it's the healthiest thing for you if you can somehow learn not to give it your attention .

This is not the same as OP's situation. Literally nowhere has she spoken about regular childcare. Her Dad lives 4 hours drive away! She just wants him to take an interest and welcome them if they come for an occasional visit. It really is not much to ask!

My parents are the same and live five minutes down the road.
Always me initiating, always us visiting except for the duty visits on birthdays.

Apparently she has done her bit!

Last saw and spoke to them when I visited on Father’s Day, so I thought I’d wait for them to visit, my kids haven’t seen or heard from them in the holidays at all.

I don’t know how you deal with it tbh, I haven’t come up with any answers and it does make me really cross with them, I just don’t understand the psychology behind her attitude?
What I try to do is just match their energy now, ie, just show up on birthdays, when I previously visited more often it wasn’t long before she started scrolling on her iPad - so she’s not really bothered if we go or not I guess?

Honestly the PP who pointed out that you just begin to tolerate things you would otherwise find extremely annoying is right. Before I had my DC small child chat, watching kids do their singing/dancing - all deathly boring if I’m being honest. I like kids more now that I have my own but they are still exhausting. Last time we were at PIL’s FIL almost completely lost his shit a few times over stuff that doesn’t phase me anymore but on reflection I understand why he got annoyed. He’s an amazing grandfather but the tolerance is lower than it was ten years ago . I would never leave DC with him, not because I don’t trust him (I do) but because I know for a fact he’d get really stressed out, so when we are staying we try to make sure PIL’s get a break from DC being around so they can have a bit of calmness.

They aren’t missing out because they seem to be doing exactly what they enjoy. I’m in my mid 40’s and I am so bloody tired already I can’t imagine that in 20years the prospect of spending a weekend or a day with small children would thrill me even if I loved them very much. I imagine if you are used to your own oeace then children can feel overwhelming. It’s not your kids OP it’s just where they are with life and what actually brings them peace and joy.

None of our parents really bothered with our children. When they were younger I was really sad. I would see lots of other people with involved grandparents, see them at Christmas plays, end of term events etc...but I just came to accept it. The grandparents were happy just living their lives, seeing my children once or twice a year and that was it. Up to them.

I genuinely think there are many parents who if they never heard from their kids would never get in touch again.
I just cannot relate. Imagine never calling your kids again.

You have to accept it. Also, I know many, many men who would be the same way if their wives weren't around. Both grandfathers are like this for us. It's just the grandmothers really facilitating interaction.

Totally understand this. Bereavement of someone you have loved and lived with for many decades is very hard. I have little left in my emotional pot, and even though I love kids, I have zero emotional energy for them.

Bringemout I think you are right. People get beat down a bit by life. And chronic pain is incredibly common in people once you get to a certain age. I know I get way more irritable than I used to.

Also it's difficult when relatives try and push you into a box where your only purpose is to relate to their kids, but they don't really give a damn about your life. You are only an aunt or grandmother, not an adult with your own individual needs.

Thank you for all the helpful, empathetic and different points of view. And I’m sorry for others in a similar position. I think it’s just like anything which doesn’t match your expectation. You can’t control it so need to accept it and give yourself a little permission to grieve the relationships you previously imagined.
interesting a couple of posts mentioned autism as my older son has been diagnosed so there may be a genetic link there…
anyway, thank you for all the posts, it’s helped to see it from my DD POV and that I’m not the only one when all I seem to see in my immediate circle of friends is doting grandparents helping with wraparound care, offering overnight stays and begging to spend time with their grandchildren.

We have similar.

When the siblings grandchildren came along they were saying how they wanted to see them more, have more eof a relationship, but they loved too far (2hrs). They talked about having them over today for the weekend when they were older, and then that morphed into 'they wouldn't want to as like seeing friends ' with nothing in between.

So they were delighted when we (half an hour away) had kids but in reality rarely see them, and almost always at our initiation. Then they complain about not seeing them enough. When one of our children was seriously ill in hospital for an extended period, they neither popped over to visit nor even for a coffee with us (when he was too ill for visitors). Neither did they offer to have our other child (who was living with my parents due to the seriousness of the situation) for even an afternoon so they could have a break.

We've accepted that there is a difference between GP saying they want to be involved and actually being involved. I think we are all happier now we've accepted it is what it is. They have GP who they are close to, just not two sets.

I do get it. When you put everything into your family there comes a time when you just have nothing left. My dad gave all he had and just wants to be looked after himself as he gets older. I'm still very grateful to have him!

@Thatsillymama It's more you get worn down by life, especially bereavements. I am not the same person I used to be.

You need to help yourselves out-they don't have to be on standby because you resent working and having children!Do your siblings seethe with resentment as well?

I get that. My family has had a lot of loss in the last few years and it does take its toll. I have friends my age who have never been to a family funeral I dont get a year without at least one it's the curse of having a huge family. I hope you have support x.

My DC saw more of the GPs that live 200 miles away than they did of the GPs who lived 10 mins away. It broke my heart to have them so close but they didn't give a shit - oh we had all the 'just think of us as your second parents' and the whole social media show, but to see the kids treat them cautiously as almost strangers (and no actual practical support, ever) was so so hard.

Kids are adults now, never got to build up a good relationship, barely even beyond an acknowledgement of acquaintance. They travel frequently to visit the distant relatives on their own now, have holidayed together, treat their house as a second home. They've got 2 decent GPs which is more than some do.

Similar to others we have one grandparent who is amazing, interested and loves all her grandchildren, always wants to see us kids. Her dream scenario is for us all to go and live with her permanently and she genuinely can’t do enough. Other grandparent isn’t interested in the slightest and makes no time or effort to engage or see us or them really. Like others have said, this wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t expect so much in return - we are always on call to her for gardening, housework, tech support etc and she is very demanding of our time on her terms. I guess equalling the effort is the answer but I find it pretty hard to do without feeling quite mean ☹️

And we do.

At no point have I said I resent working.

It’s heartening to see the parental support on here from other parents.

Fair to say that most people struggle to cover school holidays, having the smallest crumb of help from family is worth its weight in gold.
When your kids are literal strangers to their own family, that’s sad.
When family are aware that you are struggling and are able to support yet do absolutely nothing at all to help, that’s utter dog shit.
I knew from my PND & zero sleep days that they were crap, expect nothing else now.

I won’t forget it either.