Washed up at 55. Suggestions needed please.

[PointlessMother]

I'm 55 soon. I've achieved nothing of note during my life. I still live in the town I grew up in. I did go to university and get a PhD but I lived at home the whole time. It's the type of thesis that never gets read again. I was made redundant 13 years ago and have worked at home freelance ever since with the help of my business partner who is frankly the brains behind everything. I'd be hopeless on my own. I'm a complete introvert which has held me back all my life. I rarely go out now. I'm grieving for the recent loss of my dear mum. No friends to speak of. Just DH and DS.

Anyway to cut a very long boring story short, I want to do something with the rest of my life. I don't want my son to think I'm just an old woman with nothing in my life. When he gets back from work I'm just sat in my chair doing nothing of note.

I was thinking of aiming for something like a British record for over 55s in say running, or getting a novel published, ....not that I'd be any good at any of that.

Any ideas?

Thanks for your advice. I'm not sure how to start. I feel like I'm living in the past. I watch a lot of 70s/80s stuff on YouTube. I can almost convince myself I'm back there. Mum is still alive and my life is only just beginning.

I am so sorry for your intense grief. Losing a parent is a seismic event in that it can rock our foundations and sometimes things settle differently afterwards. Some of this feeling may shift. Who would you like to be visible to? I notice you talk negatively about yourself, have you ever had therapy? That is a way to really be seen and would also be a place to talk about your lovely mum. I can also recommend running a marathon.

I'm sorry that you feel like this @PointlessMother

Apologies for the bullet points but a few things came to mind as I read your post...

*Do you think some form of grief counselling might be helpful for you?

*Have you worked out your why yet? If not, have a read of Simon Sinek's book.

*Arthur C Brooks book called Strength to Strength which might resonate with you and give you some comfort at this middle stage of life.

*Another book recommendation - Quiet by Susan Cain, it might help you to see the benefits of being an introvert, rather than the negatives that society seems to want us to believe about ourselves.

*I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but when able, consider reading the 5 Regrets of the Dying. It might give some insight into the things that people find valuable & purposeful in life.

*Again, I hope this does not come across as insensitive but if you were to be diagnosed with a life limiting illness now, how would you live out your remaining time? What would be important to you, what do you have an urge to achieve and get done?

• If you were forced to sum up your life's achievements so far and you had to use a "strength based approach" or shine a light on the positive things you've done, what would be on that list? A PhD is a huge achievement and it is a very committed piece of work. What is making you feel like it isn't and why are you playing down it's value? Has someone else played it down and then made you doubt the value of it and yourself?

*Would you consider volunteering with the homeless population or people with multiple disadvantages or similar? It can be a really humbling experience that makes us appreciate all that we have.

I hope things become clearer for you OP and I hope that you find something that sparks your interest. Good luck.

Start a Substack. Write about topics that interest you, follow other writers, get a conversation going. You need to get involved with something, and doing it online is an easy first step. If you don't enjoy it you just delete it, so no irl awkwardness. Also, arty or not, look for some intuitive art type workshops. They're great fun and very therapeutic, as you just mess about with paints, no skills needed. Needle Felting is similar, and again,no skill needed.

Gosh this thread is catnip for all the MN PhDs … you clever lot 😀
I was talking to a friend in Texas who I have known for many years ( we met at college in the US) and I suggested we have a girls trip and she was a bit hesitant. She then asked if my family minded that I went away without them. My DD14 was nearby and started laughing because no she doesn’t mind. She sees me doing lots of things. I was a not very senior police officer ( detective ) which is a little bit cool but I’m retired (56) and I do a little bit of quite dull freelance training from home now. I’m very curious though and I’m into tennis and yoga… I keep a journal and read a load and go to a book club. I love art and exhibitions and see friends and of course ferry my DD around a bit. It’s fine… nothing earth shattering.( I don’t even have a PHD )

What curiosity do you have? It doesn’t need to involve other people but there may be other people out there with similar interests. A novel sounds like a challenge… do you think you’d like a creative writing class or just have a crack at it ? My friend had a novel published and she was in a mentoring programme and went away for a weekend to meet the mentor and group. I saw another creative writing group for women that involved wild swimming. There’s a lot out there to have a crack at.

Oh and this year I discovered Writing for Wellness… there are regular courses around.

I'm sorry about your mum. You have by the sounds of it a successful marriage, a PhD and you've raised a son. These are all achievements. Do whatever you enjoy x

Getting a PhD and running your own business are amazing achievements.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sure grief is colouring your feelings at the moment.

Could it work to identify something you like doing and take pleasure from that? xxx

You sound great! Slightly younger, but the one thing that makes me feel I am winning at life is exercise. When I workout I feel alive and young and great. It is also sociable.

Try some new hobbies outside of the home. Join a walking or running group or pottery group or nature based group, volunteer in something of interest. Health wise you should be lifting weights for bone and muscle longevity. Are there any specialist over 50s weight training groups?