Boyfriend doesn't want me sharing a bed with Bestfriend on trip

[okiedokieokayy]

My best friend of around 8 years (we met at uni) has been living abroad for over two years and is finally coming back to the UK next month. I've been so excited to see her. To mark the occasion and make sure we actually get proper quality time together, we booked a little countryside retreat about 4 hours from where I live. Logistics also played a part, as she's coming from visiting family and then jetting off again, so this was the easiest way to make it work. We've had this trip planned for about four months. She made the booking and I was more than happy for her to sort it.
For context, my friend and I have shared a bed completely platonically loads of times over the years. Drunkenly crashing at uni, travelling together as broke backpackers, visiting each other in different cities. It's just never been a thing. So when she booked the room it genuinely didn't occur to me to ask about the bed situation. I'd have been fine with sharing or a twin, it just wasn't a question that entered my head.
It only came up when I was chatting to my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years about the trip. Not the first conversation we've had about it, like I said I've been excited, but this time the topic of rooms came up. He'd assumed we had separate rooms and when I said no, it's one room with a double, his whole mood changed. He said he wasn't comfortable with me sharing a bed with her. I should mention here that my friend happens to be a lesbian, and he knows this. When I asked why it was suddenly an issue, he said it "just feels different" and that he wouldn't share a bed with someone who could potentially be attracted to him, so he didn't see why I would. I tried to explain that we've shared beds plenty of times before, that she's basically family to me, and that she has never once, in eight years, shown even a hint of interest in me like that. He wasn't having it.
He then asked me to at least check if the hotel had twin rooms. I did check, to keep the peace, and there aren't any available. His response was that I need to book a separate room. It's a lot of money and honestly I'm not sure I can afford it, especially for something I don't think is necessary.
The bit that's really bothering me is that I mentioned it to my friend. I told her what he'd said and after some conversation I floated the idea that maybe I should just book the separate room. She went quiet for a second and then said "erm, yeah, okay, if that's what you think's best." There was a definite tone in her voice, like she was holding something back and trying not to cause drama. And now I feel awful. I can't work out if I'm more upset that my boyfriend doesn't seem to trust my judgement, or worried that she's hurt by the inference, because let's be honest, the implication is that because she's gay she can't be trusted to share a bed with a friend, which feels really unfair on her.
I know some people here will use the "what if she was a guy" or "would you be okay with your boyfriend sharing a bed with a straight female friend" argument, and I get why, but I'm honestly not sure it's the same thing. This is someone I've known for nearly a decade with zero history or hint of anything romantic. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do. Do I pay for a room I can't really afford to keep my boyfriend happy, or hold my ground and risk a row? And is it unreasonable of me to feel a bit insulted on my friend's behalf?

'Life partner”? After two years of dating? Maybe I’m jaded but as someone whose had a few multi-year boyfriends and a 10+ year relationship that turned abusive, these days I would put more faith in my best friendships to endure than “life partnerships”, especially as I’ve made the mistake of prioritising the other way in the past.'

Same. My friends are much more important than boyfriends. I am so tired of reading about the different ways men are ruining lives, experiences, days or nights out, holidays etc etc etc.

And then there's all of the abuse and coercion. Men murdering women just because they can't fucking take no for an answer.

Why are we still attaching ourselves to them and affording that such meaning? We don't need it or them.

Why does this twat think he is allowed to wander along and state his preferences on the sleeping arrangements of two long time friends? Just fuck off.

My feelings are mixed. But I think that there are two points which should be held as true

1. If someone is a lesbian, they are attracted physically to women. It is therefore broadly analogous to you sharing a bed with a straight male friend
2. Proximity and opportunity increases the likelihood of something happening. So yes, sex could happen without sharing a bed but it is more likely if you do.

I therefore think that there is a case for sleeping in separate beds.

I think that's a really interesting point and no doubt my experiences colour my view on this too.

I vehemently think that is incredibly important to maintain friendships while in a romantic relationship (no one person can give you everything, the village is necessary and a joy etc.) but having and being a monogamous long-term partner with whom to build a family is also key for me. If you chose the right one, those things should sit happily together.

But to me part of nurturing that romantic relationship (with the right person) is prioritising them in the small ways that make them feel special, set apart, chosen, love and safe etc. That has to be mutual, of course. In my experience that's what leads to real trust, free rein and general happiness long-term. But I accept that this is coloured by my very good luck in finding a great partner fairly early in life who modelled this for me in the first place (after someone who was a bit emotionally incontinent with other people around him and emotionally manipulative with me in order to maintain that status quo!)

I wouldn't be ok with my male partner sharing a bed with his gay best friend. Even if my partner is straight.

That's interesting because it suggests that the person you don't trust is actually your partner?

It's fine if the other person might be attracted to him as long as you have a guarantee that your partner cannot, on a fundamental level, be attracted to them. If there is a possibility that your partner might be attracted to the other person in the bed, that is where your objection begins?

Just to test this, what if your DH shared a bed with an attractive lesbian? No chance of her being attracted to him (so nothing mutual) but he might be attracted to her?

Surely your boyfriend knows that you are not gay? He's being very controlling. I'm not surprised you're friend was sad.

So would it be fine if the partner slept in bed with a woman who he doesn't find sexually attractive while they are outside the sheets?

Is it the same thing? Isn’t him sharing a bed with his gay male best friend who is like family to him, actually the same thing?

Yeah. If ny boyfriend told me that him and his female best friend just like sharing a bed, and there is nothing in it, I'd think it foolish to assume that is all that's going on.

I'm going to be honest here, I've had lesbian friends, especially when I was younger, that tried to make things difficult for me and boyfriends because they crushed on me, or had some sort of envy for the fact I had "easy" straight relationships.

The lesbian crushing on the straight girl BFF is a whole thing. As is the whole thing where some lesbians feel they have to do everything to constantly talk down heterosexual relationships and male partners as if talking about how much more empathetic a female partner would be will prompt straight women to find other women sexually attractive. (https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1AyA8QpGfy/)

I also know of women who are "pillow princesses" and will receive sexual attention from other women, but don't think it's really "gay" (or cheating) because they don't "give".

I'm getting those vibes here.

Well as long as he professed not to be into people who look like the female friend, it is pretty parallel.

I would be absolutely fine with my husband sharing a bed with his lesbian friend, yep! In fact, I went on holiday to New York with my gay male best friend when I was first dating my husband- he was also fine with it. (he has done modelling in the past so also very attractive)

I am merely pointing out that the comparison made earlier wasnt an accurate one, which it wasnt.

Last question. Would be the female best firemd be okay with her girlfriend sharing a bed with a man who is her "family friend"?

No it isn’t. OP is a female who is attracted to men. Her current DP is male. She is not attracted to women. Or at least she has not said she is. So sharing a bed with a gay woman (when you are in no way attracted to ANY women) isn’t the same as sharing a bed with a straight man (when you are attracted to SOME men). In other words people are much more likely to sleep with someone of the sex they are attracted to, even if they’re not attracted to that person per se, than suddenly turn gay.

Firstly if you trust someone you trust someone, and if you don't why are you with them, but secondly your comparison with a single male friend is wrong, OP is heterosexual she is not attracted to women. The only way that comparison works is if the male friend is gay and again for me that's fine.

Proximity and opportunity increases the likelihood of something happening. So yes, sex could happen without sharing a bed but it is more likely if you do.

Only if you have a sexual attraction to that gender 🙄

Noone is going to suddenly change their sexuality because they happen to be near someone of a gender they arent attracted to - lol what??? if it were that easy to just switch your sexuality back and forth then people wouldnt ever be stuck in unhappy marriages when they actually want to come out as gay would they?

I havent seen anywhere the OP.does clarify that she is straight
.only that friend has never come on to her. Is there a direct quote where she says she is straight?

I dont think having sex with someone once means that your sexuality has changed forever. I think being in bed with someone who you already have physical affection with does push up the chances of sex.

Not sure I agree with this. Not even entirely sure what you mean. So you think her sharing with a gay female is pretty much the same as her boyfriend sharing a bed with a straight female as long as he says he isn’t attracted to her or people who “look like her”? Eh??

So if friend was a guy that she found ugly, boyfriend should be okay with her sharing a bed with him?

Dump that insecure, controlling loser.

If you really wanted to have sex with your friend you would do it whether you were sharing a bed or not, so his demand does not make any sense anyway...

OK, but you do object if the two people's sexual orientation means they could conceivably bed attracted to each other? So heterosexual man/woman or bisexual (either way)? Is that the difference? Why is that a problem? Or is it only a problem when a heterosexual man is part of the equation (so two lesbian friends would also be fine)?

Sorry, not trying to grill you but interested to tease out where you think the problem actually does lie and why!

Yes, if you are already open to a sexual attraction to that gender.

I have shared beds many times with female friends I adore. Not once have I ever felt a sexual attraction to them because I am not attracted to women

Finding someone ugly isn’t the same as not being gay/bi. You do understand that..?

Yes. All OP is saying is that it's fine because her friend has never hit on her and although I can't see where she has said it, that she (OP) isn't into women.

That would be like him saying he isn't into blondes so his blonde bestie doesn't really count and he can sleep in bed with her.

If I simply don't find white men attractive, literally never have and never will, is it then OK for me to share a bed with my white male best friend?