Did your husband notice if you lost a lot of weight?

[SmartPeacock789]

In the last 18 months I have lost 5 stone. I have been on a plateau for the last 3-4 months.

my husband has said nothing. I have told him tonight what I have lost. I look so different. Why hasn’t he said anything? His response - “I see you every day. Why would I notice?”

my parents see me ever day, the people on the school run, my kids’ teachers, people in my gym classes. It feels like every single other person in my life has given me a compliment, or at least mentioned my weight loss, which I like. I’ve worked really hard to do it.

When I met my husband, I was my smaller than I am now (and younger!) he’s known a me long enough to know how unhappy I was bigger, and much much of a battle I found everything.

this is not a case of my husband just loving me anyway. He just doesn’t notice me. If I shaved my head, it would take him a week to notice, if he did at all. If I dissolved into a puddle of water, he wouldn’t notice until dinner didn’t appear on the table. He’s not unkind, he’s just dismissive and doesn’t notice or prioritise me.

i guess my question is - if you lost a lot of weight, did you husband mention it and was supportive?

It is true you notice changes less when you see people everyday. Also it's seen as more of a norm for women to comment on other women's bodies, maybe because most of us mums tend to run into more women, and also because men can be more concerned about a bad reaction if they say something about the way a woman dresses/her body.
Maybe he just doesn't want to make you feel like the only thing that matter to him is your shape, and that he'll let you talk to him rather than thinking he should be commenting on your body.

But surely when you’ve been together over 20 years this is nonsense. In a new relationship, yes. But I’m in my mid 40s and have been with him since I was 20

No sex for about 7 years.

No sex in 7 years? What’s the reason for that? Just wondering if he’s harbouring resentment and withholding complimenting you as a result?

I could've written this myself tbh. Lost 74kg and not one single comment, compliment or acknowledgment. My mum even said to him the other day "Oh hasn't she done well?" And he kind of murmured an agreement - of course he had to respond to someone else saying something! - but has said nothing to me, at all, not even once. It really hurts tbh. Our relationship is basically over except for 3 very young children. No sex in 2 years, not interested in me in a person or how I am. I am staying for the kids right now. You're not alone.

Well done on your loss - you can hear it from someone who can completely relate, even if a stranger. You have done amazingly well!

He clearly said that he hadn't noticed, not that he had and didn't think it was ok to say something.

No sex for years sounds like there's a lot more going on here than just not paying attention to each other's appearance.

This sounds very familiar. My mum saying supportive things and him just agreeing.

And am I reading that right? You lost 74 kg? Thats unbelievable. You are amazing. that’s about 12 stone.

Yes, 74kg and nearly at target now. Has been hard work but so worthwhile - and I bet you feel the same, so regardless of who's noticed, said something, cares or doesn't: as long as you know you've done an amazing job and are happy with yourself then that's what matters.

You deserve him to see, say, care - of course. And it bloody hurts that they don't. Like me I expect you probably thought he was your life partner, soulmate etc. But fuck them. I've long since realized with mine it's not even worth expending mental energy on trying to understand why he can't be arsed with anything about me - I'd rather be spend that mental energy on thinking about me. It's bitterly sad but... I'm not going to ruminate anymore.

I’m really sorry. He should be really proud of you and telling you. I’ve lost the same as you and my husband has told me every step of the way. He mentions how great I’m looking and how well I’m doing practically every day.

You deserve someone who praises you. You are young. You are fit and healthy. Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t treat you properly. Whether he treats the kids well or not. Give your kids examples of a loving, caring relationship..

Potentially jealous or insecure. Well done on your hard work!

Well done on becoming healthier. This is going to sound mad to some but it could be aphantasia? If your husband doesn’t see in images he can’t picture what you were like before, if you show him pictures side by side he’s see the difference. There’s a current thread about aphantasia, you literally ‘see’ nothing unless you’re looking at it. My friend lost 3 stone, I just saw Laura, she showed me a photo of before & I could tell she’d lost weight but didn’t realise until then.

No sex for 7 years is a different matter though!

This is not a marriage at all

Its not even a relationship at this point - what a dreadful situation

Surely you can’t be happy?!

Who decided no more sex? He’s a man he’ll be doing something to get satisfaction

Im absolutely appalled that he didn’t not mention your success - he absolutely noticed but he is just a grade A asshole for not congratulating you!

It took me a long time to realise that my DH has never noticed anything about me at all. 40 years ago I had really straight long hair and had a short curly perm. It took him 3 weeks before he said "There's something different about you - what is it?". And after I managed to lose the 4 stones that I put on with my two pregnancies I paid a LOT of money for a new dress, nothing like anything I had ever worn before. He said "Is that new? Has Pat given it to you?". Pat was my neighbour and best friend - an about 8 stones heavier than me!

I could list hundreds of things like this and my advice to you would be get rid of him asap. We've been married for 54 years in October and I wish I'd left 50 years ago.

I went from 13 st 7lbs to 11 stone and DH noticed after I'd lost a stone.

I’ve gone from 27 stone to 22 in a year, dress size from 28 to 22. Dh has noticed and is incredibly proud of me!

Congratulations on your weight loss.

I've lost 3 stone on MJ and DH hasn't said much about it. But he also never once mentioned my weight gain either, which I'm very relieved about. I think he just feels it's safest to never comment on a woman's weight. I feel he's supportive though as he brings in almost all the income and hasn't batted an eyelid at the cost of MJ (nor the additional "glow-up" treatments I've needed in my 40s. And our sex life is fine and my weight has never affected that. I don't feel I need him to make a big deal of my weight loss or cheer me on - it's enough for me to see it in photos.

I think he just sees you as the housekeeper.

No sex. No interest in you. Do you want to stay married to this man? He doesn’t sound very nice.

and v well done on weight loss 🙌

Of course he has noticed a FIVE STONE weight loss @SmartPeacock789 . He is jealous. Can't bear to compliment you, because he doesn't want you to feel good about yourself, or let you know you look better/are more attractive, in case you get any ideas, like looking for another man.

I have lost 2 stone this year - since mid February, and my DH started noticing after 1.5 stone, (around mid June) because for the first time since I started my diet, I wasn't wearing the elasticated size 20 leggings I had been wearing since September, I was wearing size 14-16 jeans ... He suddenly said 'wow you can really see your weight loss now!!!' I had also lost 6 inches off my waist by 1.5 stone weight loss. 8 inches off now. All by healthier eating and walking and swimming, and exercise in general.

DH is attracted me even when I'm a size 22, and 15 stone, but he is more attracted to me slimmer. Most people are attractive slimmer. I know it's not a popular view on here, but most people look better when they're not obese.

Sounds like you are both very detached from each other.

Perhaps his reasoning is you don’t share with him this thing you are doing, he sees you making changes and losing weight and not saying anything and he feels you no longer trust him, then suddenly drop it on him with the expectation of the reaction you want from him, but he still doesn’t understand why he’s been excluded from your journey all along so plays it cool.

Thats is possibly/probably all nonsense, but the two of you need to start talking again and both seeing each other rather the just living alongside each other, Have you considered counselling?

Of course he noticed even seeing me every day for the last 20 years…I’ve lost 6 stone on mounjaro, my DH has been nothing but supportive and helpful, but then he loved me bigger and loves me smaller I don’t think he cares about my weight.

he was the one who first mentioned how much different I look and gives me so many complements (he did when I was bigger to) like another poster hasn’t battered an eyelid at the cost of my ‘glow up’ he’s spoiled me completely buying me new clothes and didn’t even raise his eyebrows at the Botox..

I still have 2 stone to go! And suspect he will give me even more love and support.

When you put on a lot of weight, did he mention it and was he critical?