Do I need to learn how to be softer at work events?

[febishere]

I work as an academic in climate change. I'm fairly senior and my job is to raise money for our work. It's late at night after a long day and I feel slightly mortified and too much.

Im at an international conference this week, and I've started to worry that the way I talk might be intense, and this might not be the best way to go about communication in work! My opinions are not controversial or anything, it's just that I feel people roll their eyes maybe, or find me to be too much. Slightly ranty.

Most days before any work event or conference- I tell myself I need to be demure and a listener. Then I end up sitting next to someone during lunch and walking away feeling gosh that might have been intense. It seems people don't talk about their work so intensely, they listen thoughtfully.

How do I learn this? Or should I just accept that this is personality. I'm 45 and exhausted at the idea of having to learn to do this. I do wonder if I need media training.

I hope this is just in my head and everyone feels this way after work events. How will I tolerate 2 more days of this!!

Note: I'm not rude, or loud, or intense in an annoying way that people avoid me or walk away.

I like passionate people- but can you include them in your conversations. Like ask them what their take is?

I think you can be like this but also mix in some self-depreciation when you realise you’re doing it which tends to make people soften in these situations. I’m not saying talk yourself down, just acknowledge that you’ve been intense and laugh and then say something like… ‘so what do you think?’ Or, completely change the subject, ‘have you had to come far today?’ I laugh a lot and easily which seems to help soften and make these situations warm and easy.

OP, do you have a neurodiversity you haven’t yet mentioned? Just because the things you have described are things ND people often experience as specifically challenging, and it is relevant to your thread in terms of the perspectives posters might want to offer.

I’ve just come back from a conference where I was a ‘buyer’ rather than a ‘seller’. I have to say that I got pretty tired of the sellers who had a prepared pitch to make to as many people as possible at break times. I get being focused, passionate and having a job to do etc, but the conversations I enjoyed most and whose cards I’ll hang onto are probably those I had a bit of a laugh with, made a social connection about something other than work. The most skilful operators do both of course - excellent social skills and any talk about work just flows naturally into the conversation.

i agree with PP that relationship building is better than pitching at people. Most people don’t want the latter over lunch. It’s not about being demure, that’s not an interesting quality either, but two way conversation is much better than monologuing so check your flow and find out about them. Charm can’t be taught but it’s good that you’re aware of the issue and can absolutely address it at this stage. You don’t want to get stuck in your ways unable to evolve.

Maybe remind yourself that those contacts are going to share resources with people they like, not just organisations they think have the right strategy/products.

That could hopefully keep you on track so you are still in the “selling mode” you naturally fall into, but you are making more personal connections by talking about the “softer” more personal stuff.

I hope this makes sense!

Sounds like you lecture and bore people a bit.

Have you ever tried listening?

Only in academia. In the business world the very last thing you should talk about at a conference (outside of the formal sessions) is work.

I honestly think the more you tell yourself the more you’re going to get nervous and start ‘going on’ (!).

Demure?

WTF are you doing using a sexist trope like that to describe what you think you're lacking in personality?

It sounds like this problem is in your head rather than based on anything anyone’s said? I also work in the climate sector (but not academia) and when I go to conferences I want to network and talk about work. Of course I also might end up having general life chats with people, especially if there are after hours drinks, but in general in my experience everyone is there for a reason, and that’s to find work/clients/prospects, talk about work, meet funders, debate the issues of the sector. I wouldn’t want to waste my time yapping away about my hobbies or someone’s kids.

The people I know who are very successful at sales and networking ask a lot more questions about others and only talk a little in a focused way about themselves.
It's interesting to watch them.

Would a man tell himself he needed to be demure?

One way to keep on track is to ask yourself at the end of the conversation ‘what did I learn about that person?’. If the answer is nothing, then you are probably going into lecture / sales mode too much. It doesn’t have to be ‘yapping away about my hobbies or someone’s kids’ - it can be asking why they are at the event, what their background is, etc etc.

I found this for a long time in my career. I had no small talk and was interested in the work rather that people’s personal lives.
However it needs to be small talk in the breaks at conferences usually, or “did you see x, such interesting session…”

Definitely try and keep it a bit more light by asking them questions. I was at an event yesterday and on the breaks had several chats just by asking people what they did and what interested them about the day. When they talk, listen carefully and ask a follow up question to keep them talking. Then you can chip in with something and they might ask a question back. I used this approach yesterday. Try and be aware of when you might be going on and stop yourself and ask them something about them.