What radical things have you done to change your life / slow down the pace?

[Flamingpantoufles]

Somehow, I have developed a very complicated life: I have no down time and feel constantly hurried and under pressure, even when I am on holiday as I am now. Too much stuff, too many commitments, too many relationships (albeit it many of them very enriching, and I am definitely a people person) and I am mired in anxiety. I feel life is whizzing by in a blur and I don't know how to make it slow down - I just seem to lurch from worrying about one thing to worrying about another as soon as that is resolved. I've tried making tweaks here and there but somehow everything always ends up the same so I suspect something more radical is needed.

Has anyone else been in this boat? Have you found a solution?

Became very ill, 2 major surgeries, lost job, pretty much housebound now. Plenty of time to chill!

I’m finding this thread very helpful. I am about to move back to my home country after 15 years abroad, and I can already see myself slipping into bad habits and over scheduling myself and my family. The temptation to load up the extra-curriculars, get a sports team membership, sign up to a fitness program… etc. My DH is almost as bad as I am!

Unlike PPs who said that people didn’t seem to mind when you said ‘no’ to things, that’s hasn’t been my experience at all. I’ve found people become quite upset when I say ‘no’, despite having 3 very young DC and working full time with no family support. E.g. My friend organised a series of Saturday morning women’s get togethers, and I told her that I wouldn’t attend because Saturday is my only day with my family (DH works Sundays). She was so upset with me and multiple other people have commented on my absence each month. I mean, really!? How on earth can I possibly fit that into my schedule!?

Most of the people who take issue with it either don’t work or have older children who are independent. The full-time work/young kids combo is so restrictive and so many women forget what it’s like or have never experienced it.

@movinghomeadvice Let them get upset. Yes there is a volume of wailing. But if they weren’t wailing about you not giving in, they would be wailing about something else. You make choices. Right now you choose family Saturdays over social Saturdays. Own your choice and don’t make excuses. Like toddlers, if you give in to one tantrum they learn it gets results. And wanting a family day is hardly controversial! Not like you can’t do Saturdays because you are busy sacrificing babies that day. If you want to see them, offer an alternative. If you don’t want to see them, rejoice!

Like anything else you want to achieve, it helps to let people know you’re opting out of a few things. For instance, if you’re not doing Christmas presents , just tell everyone in August or whatever. "This year has been knackering, I’m having a quiet Christmas at home, I’m not doing presents but let’s all meet in the new year for some food together" .Then stick to it and don’t make any further events at justification. I got tired of cooking meals for my large family of older kids who come home at different times, so now we have an arrangement where family meals are limited to certain days, and other days people just grab something simple from the fridge when it suits.
I have a friend who had a policy of never attending weekend birthday parties when the kids were small, as every weekend was being spent at soft play . I know someone who flies off to a hot country in December and doesn’t participate in Christmas in any way shape or form.
And I agree with delegation but agree you have to be all in. No criticism of the results, no intervening, no rescuing when it goes tits up.

This is something I'm working on at the moment - it's complicated!

I also have ADHD, late diagnosis, and relate to a lot of what you say. what is the app please?!

Some helpful ideas and approaches here - thank you all for posting

Focus Matrix! Super basic but works really well for me

We sound very similar! I am a people person and people pleaser and although ds's are now young adults, I have them, a dp and elderly relatives to juggle, as well as lots of (wonderful) friends.

One practical thing I introduced a few months ago which I LOVE is 'me Mondays'. Monday evenings are just for me - I don't see anyone or do anything and have told everyone! I watch telly, drink coffee and do exactly what I want, which is usually nothing. I don't live with dp yet, but he knows if we ever do live together, he needs to disappear on Monday evenings as me Mondays are sacrosanct!

It's so hard not to feel guilty and stressed about the people I haven't managed to see/help take care of and my job is also full on in terms of responsibilities, so this is a small but essential re-set each week.

Google 'Brené Brown boundary ring'. She's written a lot about living with the discomfort of vulnerability when you decide to set boundaries for yourself and start not doing too many things

Divorced.
Downsized to tiny cottage
Quit Teaching

Also, do you know what sort of counselling/therapy you're having? I found when I had therapy, knowing what type it was, and finding out more about the theory behind it, helped me understand what the therapist was doing with me/how they were working and helped me use the therapy sessions better. It's also worth knowing about the different types so you can decide which type would suit you best. I found this BACP list helpful.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/types-of-therapy/

Are you disorganised? I realised that being organised frees up time. Routines and delegation.
what are your commitments and can they be reduced?
where are the commitments to yourself?

Tbf, Covid helped. One year I realised I was booked to go out 18/21 days in a row and I was a serial volunteerer.

I now don’t commit to anywhere near as much and now say, sorry I can’t do that as I’m busy the night before/that week. I check that a free date in my diary actually fits into a reasonable week/month.

im still not perfect and my summer is busy but i am getting better.

Good Post.

I LOVE this idea!

When I feel like this I find writing lists or filling in a diary helps. If it fits in the page, it fits in my life. It also pushes things out of my head, so if I diary that I will phone an elderly relative on Monday eve, I will give no thought of it until that time slot. Otherewise id be constantly thinking i must phone them and feeling guilty for not doing it. Same with exercise or house jobs or anything else really. I won't feel guilty about not exercising on certain days cos my diary says I don't have to. I don't answer friends messages as they come in, I make time to sit down with my phone and catch up on all correspondence and then I'm done for a while. This might be every other day but I do try to keep on top of it once a day mostly. If my phone beeps when I'm busy I don't check it until I'm doing my phone/ admin time.