How do I stop becoming people’s emotional support person?

[Kimmers4334]

I can’t really work this out and I feel like other people say or do something I’m not doing so they don’t end up in this position?

Over the years several friends and family members have chosen me as their emotional support person. They call me repeatedly over minor things, or offload onto me about their dramas or traumas and expect me to listen endlessly. Obviously this is part of what friendship is, but I’ve checked with my other friends and they agree that these people do it too much and they wouldn’t have the patience for it.

I don’t understand why people do it to me. I don’t ask much from people emotionally, but I’m a person too not a bottomless pit for people to offload into. I was emotionally neglected as a kid so processing my own feelings can be hard, and I get overwhelmed by having to help other people process theirs.

With the previous people I have ended up drifting away. But over the last couple of months my boyfriend of 3 years is starting to do this too. For example, he was going away on a trip, came round for a couple of hours the day before and launched into some family drama, his childhood etc. He talked for so long that he had to leave suddenly or he’d be late for work. I was left feeling quite overwhelmed and annoyed that that was our parting conversation. I’d had quite a hard week as it’s the anniversary of a bereavement, which I mentioned to him in a text and he was kind about it but he didn’t bring it up in person.

I feel like there must be some sort of boundary that other people put in place since this keeps happening to me but I don’t know what it is. It feels really rude to stop people once they start talking about something. But I just can’t get into another dynamic like this

The question isn’t ‘why do they do this to me?’

the question is ‘why do i allow myself to end up in this position ?´ or ‘why do i let them do this to me ?’

You can’t control what people will ask of you. You can only control how you respond.

i am an emotional support to a lot of people. But i choose who, when and how. If i don’t want to take on that role, I step back and leave them to it. I don’t encourage confidences. I don’t make ‘interested noises’ when I’m not interested - i make ‘not-interested noises’ instead. I get up, excuse myself politely, walk away. You do have a choice here.

I think some of you are right that I’m not that assertive or good at prioritising my own feelings, both my parents were alcoholics so my feelings and problems weren’t a priority as a child (then they both died). I had worked hard on being more confident, emotionally open and clear about my needs, but I think over the last 6 months I have probably allowed myself less space in the relationship and demanded less emotionally so I’ve made myself feel small.

You’re right I do need to stand up for myself and I feel more confident about doing this with friends or family than in a relationship. I don’t really know whether to just step up with the tough love and steering the conversation, or have a proper conversation about how it makes me feel and what needs to change. Outside of this issue he is very nice and I don’t want to make him feel like a burden but it does need to change

Ive recently got rid of a few emotional vampires from my life and I feel so much better. I realise now that they were people that I never really liked, I just got latched onto by them, and I got into the role of listening and supporting because they never really knew who I really was, they were so self absorbed. So I don’t think these are ‘ real’ relationships or friendships, they are odd connections that don’t bring joy or nourishment.
one of them said to me ‘ you never have any àches or pains ” and I realised they really knew nothing about me, I had no interest in confiding in them, at all, because they were too ‘ me, me, me ‘ for so long.

You may be too accommodating or understanding sometimes. Set firmer boundaries. Make yourself unavailable sometimes and don’t allow other people to drain your battery. Get busy with yourself and your own life and interests. If your boyfriend is not reciprocating support , consider whether he is right for you or whether it’s time to move on. It’s ok to put yourself first sometimes. You need to be more discerning with who you let into your life as friends or partners. I get that it’s hard with family but they need to understand you have your own life and issues and it’s not your job to fix everyone. I can relate to how an emotionally deficient childhood can set you up for this in adult life. If you were used to other people having their needs met before yours, this can train you to put other people first and they may pick up on that, but at least you have some self awareness so you can work on yourself to make changes. I’ve been told a lot that I’m a good listener but eventually I realised no one really listened to me when I needed an ear so I had to withdraw from some friendships as it was draining. Most people are self absorbed. It’s ok to cut conversations short, say you’re busy, you have to go now as you have x to do etc eventually they will realise that you have your own life and can’t always be available. Read the book The Courage to be Disliked.

I have the same problem OP, I seem to attract people who dominate the conversation and talk non stop about their issues and never really give me the space to talk about me. I don’t really have any advice but to say I completely understand how difficult it can be to extract yourself from these relationships. I don’t really have many friends and find it difficult to make friends so I think that’s why I put up with it. I did put in boundaries with one friend and reduced the amount of time I saw her and when I did I always organised it so our other friend was there so the burden didn’t just fall on me.