Should I take the hint from this friend?

[Loonaandalf]

So I just met up with newish friend who I know through a course we did. We had this meet up planned about three months ago and hadn’t seen each other since last September so I thought it would have been a good catch up and told my husband I’d be gone for a few hours at least. I didn’t expect it to be a wild night, we’re both quite relaxed people (I have a child and I’m in my thirties, she’s childless and a few years younger) and it was just a dinner date rather than a pub meet up but I was quite taken aback when after our first drink, I asked ‘shall we have another one’ and she said she couldn’t manage another, we were only out about an hour at that point.

Thirty minutes later she asked me ‘can we get the bill’ and I have to be honest she asked me in a way that just made me feel a bit like ‘please can we go.’ I have to admit conversation wasn’t exactly flowing by this point but I think we could have tried a bit harder given we’d had it planned for so long and we have a lot in common/ live close to each other. I would have stayed out for another hour at least tbh.

Anyway we left after 90 minutes, it was 45 minutes commute for both of us (very normal in London). She doesn’t have a partner or children so she had no restrictions, I just thought what a disappointment to bother meeting up if only to leave after one drink and dinner, it all felt a bit meh. Should I take the hint that maybe she’s not interested in being friends or maybe shes just like this with everyone. I’m used to having a good bit of fun when out even if the plan is to get home early, I like deep conversations, banter, at least 2-3 drinks. Like what’s the point otherwise?

Well, did you have dinner? if I was going for a dinner date I’d be expecting to meet up for dinner and a chat. Your expectation seemed to be to let loose with a few drinks.

If the conversation was stilted maybe she felt it was awkward? If you’d had dinner it was within the bounds of politeness to call it a night.

I mean it could be just mismatched expectations (you arranged to meet for dinner and you had dinner so she didn’t necessarily do anything “wrong”) but tbh my expectations would be the same as yours. I think trekking into central or whatever to meet someone you’d expect to make a bit more of a night of it! Not going wild dancing or anything but would have thought a few hours. But if the chat wasn’t flowing then…

You haven't seen each other in 10 months? I would imagine there are only so many 'pleasantries' you can chat before before the conversation dries up.

yeah, I think I’d expect at least two hours, that’s normally how my meet ups go even with new friends. I’m not a big drinker and if she wanted to stop drinking fair enough but I often switch to alcohol free or even a water and stay chatting for a while. Yeah I guess the conversation wasn’t flowing but I wouldn’t say it was dead either. Just probably a bit polite and reserved, new friend type of chat I suppose. I think I just never know what to do in these situations, should I just accept she wasn’t feeling it or gauge the friendship a bit more.

Maybe that’s what the problem was?

Maybe she was just having an off day

If I'm meeting someone for dinner I'm only expecting to be out for dinner. If it was a night out I would've said dinner then out for a few drinks.
I don't think she's done anything wrong. If she was just expecting dinner maybe she has other plans tonight or early tomorrow. Maybe next time you should say during the planning stage you want to stay out for a few drinks after dinner.

I can see what you mean but I don't think 90 minutes and after dinner is too bad. It's not like she left after the starter.

90 minutes and dinner is a full outing. I don't think that's a problem. You'd find me very boring as I don't drink at all. Maybe this was just a mismatch of expectations?

Maybe it was a mismatch of expectations. It was just a bit anti climatic is all. I’ve definitely went out with people who don’t drink and stayed out longer than that though, I’ve also been the one not drinking on some occasions and stay out for a bit longer. I just think it’s a lot of effort to get out the door when I have a toddler and then commuting in London is long so like to make the most of it. Maybe I’m taking it too personally.

To answer your question yes you should take the hint. She wasn't enjoying her evening much or at least not enough to want to continue it. That's friendship over surely? It took you ten months to arrange this meet up, don't waste another precious second trying to spend time with her intentionally again. No Biggie.

Hmm so to me if you’ve agreed to meet for dinner, it would be normal to wrap things up after dinner, unless things are going a storm - which you said they weren’t.

Aren’t most London restaurants trying to move you on after you’ve had your dinner anyway?

It’s a shame that things didn’t flow as much as you might have hoped but I don’t agree with “we could have tried a bit harder” - there’s no way of forcing yourself to click with someone and get deep into conversation if it isn’t happening. Could be she just wasn’t in the mood tonight.

Maybe she was rushing home to watch the match?

I wouldn't read to much into sometimes outings just flow better then others next time you go out it might flow better

I think you were course friends. Someone to sit next to and go for lunch etc. Now you has gone back to your everyday lives, your friendship sounds more like acquaintance level. Particularly as you haven’t managed to see each other for 10 months and you had to wait 3 months before a free date in the diary.

Friendships are reciprocal and so if you organised this meet up, then I would wait to see if she reaches out again. I think though, this one might just peeter out by the sound of it.

It just didn’t work. You didn’t have much to say to one another when you no longer had the course in common. Why would you have wanted to stay out longer if you weren’t particularly enjoying yourself either? If conversation wasn’t flowing easily after an hour, then it was unlikely to suddenly become an enjoyable meeting.

she doesn’t follow or watch football, she didn’t even know who was playing.

Yeah I think you’re right but I’m making an effort to get out there more and make more connections since a lot my friends have moved out of th city. Sometimes you do just have to preservers with acquaintances in order to make friends.

Sure, but it takes two to persevere, and she’s not interested.

Maybe she wasn’t feeling very well or had a bad day. Maybe it’s mismatched expectations.

I’ve got a friend who I meet for dinner and we eat, say goodbye with a hug and go home. It’s what we both expect, so no problems.

Why don’t you see if she gets in touch in the future.

Totally agree with this! I met quite a few lovely women on a course I did recently and we have met up a few times afterwards.

Whilst we do get on and I had a good time, I think 90 mins or so was probably my limit. I still dont know these people hugely well and we arent really at the stage yet of being close friends where we feel comfortable to share everything, no holds barred.

It's kind of in that weird zone of not close friends but more than just acquaintances. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, dont take it personally, it's still early days and friendships take time to develop. Its probably a good thing not too rush it too quickly into being something it isnt yet

You seem to be under the impression that because she's childless and single that she has nothing to do. I wouldn't want to hang around with a friend who made those assumptions.

I would leave it tbh.

You met up it wasn't great.

If you bump in to her you could suggest a coffee but I wouldn't be trying to make any more plans.

X

You haven't seen each other in 10 months? I would imagine there are only so many 'pleasantries' you can chat before before the conversation dries up.

I dont know. I hadn't seen my friend in 13 months. We went to Manchester on Saturday met at 11.00 left at 22:30 to get the train back and meeting on Thursday because we didn't have enough time to catch up!