Was I wrong to mention a colleague's visible period stain?

[StephE]

Last week, I noticed that my colleague had a blood stain on her backside. It was very obvious that her period had either started unexpectedly or she had leaked through protection. This was not what I would categorise as a small stain. As soon as I realised that she was unaware and was going to keep walking around like that, I simply told her that she has a stain. I did not even utter the words blood or period. Ever since, she has been trying to avoid me as much as she can, and I can tell she's upset that I said it in front of our other colleagues. Because we're nurses, I really did not think it was a big deal. We all have an understanding of the human body and its functions. She is considerably younger so that may be it. I have considered apologising but do not want to make the work atmosphere more tense. Was I wrong to say anything?

@PetuniaTabbernacle The OP made a mistake and now posters are suggesting she should be reported for bullying! If intent is irrelevant and you try to do a good thing but get it wrong you could end up being punished and bitterly criticised. The best solution therefore is to do nothing because unless you guess exactly what the person wants, and get it exactly right, then you are wrong.
You’re right there are 3 options
1 do something and get it wrong = you’re in trouble
2 do something, but you have to get it exactly right = risky, as this thread shows people want different things.
3 do nothing = you’re safe

Also, the colleague was already embarrassed, that boat had sailed. Was she more embarrassed by the helpful (if clumsy) person or all the others doing nothing?

Also, the colleague was already embarrassed, that boat had sailed.

@Greenleavesandsunshine I don't understand what you mean by this.

I do understand the other point you're making though, that it could appear to seem better to say nothing than say something and risk getting in it wrong.

Humans and human relationships are complicated and we are constantly having to make judgement calls. On this occasion, OP made the wrong one.

Reporting this as bullying would only make the colleague look ridiculous, especially once the incident has been described. Youse sound utterly ridiculous yourselves.

@PetuniaTabbernacle Was the OP wrong to say something? Saying ‘something’ was better than saying nothing surely? She may have been clumsy but the intent was good. Faced with a similar situation in the future no one could blame her if she just kept quiet.

What I mean by the colleague was already embarrassed was, the blood had leaked, the stain was there, at whatever point this woman realised she would be mortified. The issue is was she going to realise sooner or later.

I would rather have a clumsy attempt at help than be ignored. Obviously, every other poster would swoop in and assume they were totally aware of my needs. However, I find all the suggestions of a discrete conversation awful, periods happen women leak, we need to get over it. But, I would understand if someone did have a muttered shame filled conversation with me and realise that’s what they would want. I would be OK with OPs approach, but can see others wouldn’t.

I think you're clutching at straws here.

1. The colleague wasn't already embarrassed (as in, experiencing the emotion embarrassment) if she wasn't aware she had the stain.

1. OP was wrong to tell her colleague that she had a period stain in a group of people. You're assuming everyone had already noticed it. They might not have at this point, but they definitely knew after OP announced it in front of everyone.

Out of the three options, the kindest thing for OP to have done would have been for her to take the colleague to one side and let her know privately.

My question was intended to enable me to understand how OP came to the decision to say what she did in front of others but then, without any further communication, once the other person has been trying to avoid her she can tell she is upset because it was in front of other people. How does she know that, if she initially thought it was OK to do that and nobody has told her otherwise? The other person may be trying to avoid her for a completely different reason.

@PetuniaTabbernacle the kindest thing for you. The kindest thing for lots of people. However, I would find that one to one conversation excruciating. That doesn’t mean you’d be wrong to have that conversation with me because I would understand the intent.

My other point is in future the OP, if she has any sense and all the people reading this thread, the wisest thing to do is absolutely nothing.

This has to be a reverse

Yanbu to mention it but why on earth did you do it so indiscreetly? She’s mortified, no wonder. It doesn’t matter that you are nurses- it’s different when it comes to your own bodily functions. I’m sure you could have found somewhere to have a quiet word.

I once told a girl her skirt was tucked in to her tights, after seeing all the people she was with laugh at her about it. She was mortified, rushed off. I seen her in the toilets after and she said she was so embarrassed more so coz not one of her "friends" told her. Id f I didn't tell her, how long would t have gone on? I think I would've done the same as you op. Assuming you said it in a kind and compassionate way and not in a way that made her feel like an alien.

Why on earth would you do that in front of other people!?

I think it's the bit about saying it in front of other colleagues that is the problem. Could you have taken her to one side and just quietly pointed it out without anyone else hearing? I wouldn't mention is again now because she seems embarrassed. Let it pass.

You can always, no matter what, have a quiet whisper in someone’s ear.

I am a nurse and wouldn’t dream of pointing something like that out to someone in front of people . Don’t understand why you didn’t do it in private.

its obviously embarrassing for her and she didn't appreciate you telling her with others listening. You should have pulled her to one side and told her discretely.

How did you expect her to react? Laugh and say, ‘oh yeah that’s my period bleeding through’ 😭 in front of everyone 😭 poor girl!

I'd avoid you too. Why on earth would you do that in front of others. Mean girl behaviour 😒

I work in a hospital and as soon as someone says they have a stain on their uniform, you and I both know how much attention it draws. Just from dirty minded comments to everyone looking and taking the mick.

I think maybe you should have been more discreet this time round. If it was food or pen or something along those lines I’m sure she would have found it funny but this is a little personal. Everyone probably looked and that embarrassed her.

Maybe take her aside and apologise and have a quiet word. She probably doesn’t see it as you being helpful but I’m sure she will if you explain. She’s obviously mortified 😏

I have walked around with something on my face or dress and NOBODY has had the decency to tell me , and has just left me to walk around looking like an idiot.

so, if I see this with someone else - even if I don’t know them, I always make sure no one else is in earshot and i tell them discretion the issue then say, something along the lines of I just thought I’d let you know as I would want to know if it were me.

im careful with my tone so it sounds friendly.

if they get very embarrassed I say don’t worry about it - it’s happened to me more times than I care to admit.

this usually makes them feel better

win

You were VERY wrong in the way you did it. Regardless of your profession.

She’s probably mortified. You were right to say something, I would want to know, but not in front of others regardless of what profession you’re in. I think you need to have a quiet word away from others and apologise. I will hopefully clear the air and you can move on.

YABU

You knew she would feel embarrassed about this "normal bodily function" so you told her about the stain by announcing it in front of a group of other people, drawing more attention?

What you done was kind as I’d be mortified. However, it was probably the fact you weren’t discreet is what has upset her.

A friend did this to another friend at a party when we were teens - we all still remember it - we’re in our 50s now!
You should’ve told her discreetly.
She’s def embarrassed even though it is a bodily function.
In my 20s I had some bleeding issues and would spontaneously flood at work. I remember going to my manager, she shooed the other member of staff out and managed to find someone who had spare knickers (they were going on a trip) and I used someone’s cardigan to tie round my waist. No embarrassment so it def depends how you handle it.