Have I been uninvited from this party?

[Ironplate]

This is all far to ridiculous for grown adults, but...

What I thought was a good friend is sulking with me. I don't really know why, she's been very easy to upset for the last 18 months, with several episodes where she won't return calls for days, then everything seems back to normal for a while...until the next time. I've obviously done something, but I don't know what it is. I've tried asking and she always says it's fine.

Anyway, last weekend she and her DH unfriended me on FB (I know!) and her adult daughter turned her back on me at an event last week. None of them have ever told me what's wrong, there's been no big falling out.

Her DH has a big birthday coming up, she's organising a surprise party with invitations via a FB event. Both BF (also unfriended) and I received and accepted the invitation 3 months ago.

I have to admit I'm not looking forward to it and wondering if it's best if I don't go, but there will be loads of mutual friends there who will think it very odd if I don't.

I thought I'd have a look down the guest list for "safe" people to talk to, but I can't find the event. If it's not in my events, does that mean I'm no longer invited? Or is that because of the change in friend status. Am I going to have to ask someone I know is invited to check?!

She's never told me we're not invited, is univiting even a thing in FB? If I hadn't checked, how would I have known?

They do. But I wonder whether some women turn a bit weird in menopause and then regret their behaviour later on when the hormones have settled.

But some women love drama all the way from playschool age.

With the party I'd just message to say that you can't make it anymore and hope she/her DH has a nice time. Keep it classy.

I doubt she'll be so rude to say "well you weren't invited anymore anyway" and if she does you definitely know where you stand!

She's removed herself from them all, although she doesn't appear to have fallen out with any other group members. I don't know if new ones have been set up - I doubt it, the old ones are just as active as ever.

I'm really tryjng not to be the one who's looking for drama, so I haven't mentioned any of this to anyone else. They'll have noticed she left the groups, I suppose, but she's done that before. Usually someone quietly adds her back in once she gets over whatever it was.

Set up a WhatsApp group chat and add her and all your friends. Call it ‘Bert and Brenda’s (or whatever their names are) Big Party Prep. Start by saying you started the group because you’re so excited and looking forward to it. Ask what everyone is wearing, do you need to bring drinks? Is there a theme? Does she want everyone to bring a dish because you have a great macaroni cheese recipe you’re dying to try out? What music is she playing? Etc. etc. That way she’ll physically have to tell you you’re not invited. I’m kind of joking, but it would be funny 😁

Stop pretending you don't know why she deleted you. In your other thread you have going at the moment, you know EXACTLY why.

I’d mention it to them all, if you want to remain friends. I just don’t see the point in allowing her to cause drama. Get ahead of her stories that she’ll no doubt tell to everyone. A simple message to say you’ve been blocked, you’re not sure why, but you’d love to catch up with everyone soon and you’re sorry to be missing the party.

Where is the other thread?

Do an advanced search.

I’ve just read it though and stand by my previous post even more. OP, don’t let her start drama out of your shit life situation.

She's unfriended you. Its not rude not to turn up.

Goodness. I don't, I have a suspicion, but she's never spoken to me about it and I could be completely wrong.

Also, isn't it against talk guidlines to berate someone for something on other thread? I started this one for help on the FB event issue.

They are 2 threads about the same thing. Only with more information in one.

Again none of it matters, ever heard the saying go where you are wanted? Is your self esteem that low that this nonsense matters to you?! If these friends have known you for the 20yrs, contact them and tell them why you aren’t going. I still don’t understand why all this angst, it’s petty childish nonsense. Have you nothing better to do?

Jesus wept. They're not. One is about the friend situation, the other was intended to be to find out how FB works. I'll accept I answered too many questions that got off the point on that one.

Uninvited or not……..I wouldn’t want to associate with such childish individuals!

Nothing better to do than worry about a 20yo friednship and social group disolving? No probably not. What should I have in my life that's more important? Also isn't it possoble to do more than one thing?

She's never told me we're not invited, is uninviting even a thing in FB? If I hadn't checked, how would I have known?

How can you even ask if you are uninvited? She has unfriended you on Facebook, blanked you twice at events, come out of every group you are in and won't pick up the phone.

It's not rocket science.

You have been uninvited. I would confirm with her and her husband that you understand that to be the case and wish them well with the party, making it clear that that is the last time you will reach out. If anyone asks, then that's your story.

If I could give one piece of advice to my much younger self, it would be to not waste time on friends (even those of 20 years standing) you have to "manage" - who externalise all their internal nonsense and expect other people to manage their bad moods for them/make them feel better. Wish them well and let them go and let the other friends think what they like.

I've read your posts but not everyone else's.

If you care about her and this friendship, I'd write it all in a letter. An old fashioned, hand written letter. I'd put it more tactfully than you have in this. That you are concerned that you might have done something wrong but genuinely don't know what it is but wish she'd share how she's feeling so you can make whatever it is up to her.

Mention that you've noticed she's removed you as a friend on facebook and that, presumably as a result, the invitation to this event has also been removed. You will assume if you don't hear from her that she'd like you not to attend but hope that you can remain friends in any way she wants you to. If of course that's what you want.

And if she ignores it, you know where you stand.

It doesn’t matter if others will expect you there, it’s not their party. The person organising it and who it is for aren’t speaking to you. You’d be foolish to turn up

Well, I certainly wouldn’t be losing any sleep over someone who’s treated me poorly and without explanation. So while you are tied up in knots about this 20yr friendship, she’s clearly not bothered. But you crack on. It’s pathetic.

I can understand how you feel but i think from what you have said (as i understand it)you have messaged and asked directly a) was the unfriending intentional and if so whats wrong ?and b) Have you been uninvited to the surprise party?
I dont think you can do much more and obviously assume you are no longer invited. If other ask about your non attendance to your friend (she will have to answer as she sees fit) or to you directly ,you can tell the truth.
What do you suspect is the issue?
That might affect the opinions regarding how to proceed.

I don’t mean to be blunt but she doesn’t want your apologies for not attending. She has unfriended you. Take the hint and move on. And if she does try and befriend you again I’d ignore and avoid any more playground drama

It matters because she and our mutual friends have been my core social group for 20+ years.

So it is actually FOMO then 🙄

You're willing to embarrass yourself and come across as desperate to attend the party because the rest of your friends will be there.

Despite the fact it's crystal clear the hosts don't want you there.

I’d just ask a friend of hers who’s going to find out if you’re still invited. If, as you guess, you’re not, well that’s the end of the friendship, 20 years plus or no. You’ll have to find a way of socialising with the others without her.

If you message her she may ignore it.

Or just show up anyway at the time and place specified it you like to create a bit of drama. She can hardly tell you to F off in front of the other guests. No one told you in so many words you couldnt come.

I once did this with a colleague who invited everyone in the department except me to a housewarming patry. I turned up with two of the others, boittle in hand, so she could not ttell me to bugger off in front of the other guests. I even proposed a toast to her. He face was like a smacked arse.Then a few weeks later when I was leaving I made a real point of asking her to my night out. She walked off.