Have I been uninvited from this party?

[Ironplate]

This is all far to ridiculous for grown adults, but...

What I thought was a good friend is sulking with me. I don't really know why, she's been very easy to upset for the last 18 months, with several episodes where she won't return calls for days, then everything seems back to normal for a while...until the next time. I've obviously done something, but I don't know what it is. I've tried asking and she always says it's fine.

Anyway, last weekend she and her DH unfriended me on FB (I know!) and her adult daughter turned her back on me at an event last week. None of them have ever told me what's wrong, there's been no big falling out.

Her DH has a big birthday coming up, she's organising a surprise party with invitations via a FB event. Both BF (also unfriended) and I received and accepted the invitation 3 months ago.

I have to admit I'm not looking forward to it and wondering if it's best if I don't go, but there will be loads of mutual friends there who will think it very odd if I don't.

I thought I'd have a look down the guest list for "safe" people to talk to, but I can't find the event. If it's not in my events, does that mean I'm no longer invited? Or is that because of the change in friend status. Am I going to have to ask someone I know is invited to check?!

She's never told me we're not invited, is univiting even a thing in FB? If I hadn't checked, how would I have known?

Don't go to the party - you aren't invited any more, that is obvious. It would be more embarrassing it you went where you clearly aren't wanted. If any friends ask, then tell them the truth. But wait until they ask.

MN never fails to surprise me with the adult friendship drama .
Do grown women really live their lives like that?

Honestly, no. I wouldn't entertain her, her party or her juvenile crap. The Facebook stuff is pathetic. I'd ignore it. If anyone asks, tell the truth...she and her husband unfriended the two of you out of the blue with no explanation so you didn't feel welcome.
What else is there to say?

You're over-thinking this.

She doesn't want to be friends any more. Forget about it and move on. Don't bother worrying what other people think or what they have been told. It's completely out of your hands.

Nobody needs weirdos like that in their life.

Why on earth would you care about sending apologies to someone who has unfriended you knowing it would scrub you off the invite list?

If you don't go and anyone asks, tell them the truth: that Party Wife and Husband unfriended you and the invite went dark.

Why the obsession with what other people think? It’s not their business! Even if ex-friend does tell people you just didn’t turn up, they’re hardly likely to cut you off in sympathy with her. Have you never been to an event where some people who were invited weren’t there?

She doesn’t want you to go. You don’t want to go. So don’t go! Anyone else can think what they like.

If the event is no longer showing up on Facebook then she has uninvited you. You're no longer on the guest list so you can't see it.

Hurtful and so stupid, rather than just talk to you. I suspect the reason for that is that she has nothing tangible to discuss...wants drama, creates drama. You're the scapegoat.

Could be wrong of course.

Why would you send apologies when this woman and her partner have actively taken steps to exclude you from their lives?

Thank you. So if the event is no longer in my events, I can assume she has manually uninvited me? That's the best outcome for me, it means I can not go without wondering if I'm expected.

You could be wrong, but I suspect you’re pretty much bang on!

Because I'd previously accepted an invitation. Surely it would be rude to just not turn up?

You're being absolutely ridiculous OP.

Of course you're no longer invited.

And more to the point, why on earth would you want to go now anyway?

It has nothing to do with what other friends may or may not 'think'.

No...she has cold-shouldered you. You don't owe her consideration or manners. You fuck her off and give her nothing.

Just don't go. You're not a teenager.

Let them have their drama.

If they think badly of you, let them. They're not worthy of your attention.

It would be rude if you DID turn up.

Surely no-one's this thick skinned.

If your FOMO is so bad you'd even consider attending, I despair.

She's living rent free in your head. Move on. It doesn't matter what other people think. Just don't give it another moment's thought. She treated you poorly, retain your dignity.

All of this is pure hard work, you and her. She’s unfriended you, why on earth would you even think of going? ‘You don’t want people to think you just didnt turn up’? And so what? Why would that matter?? Jeez, block on everything and move on. Hope you’re all adults cos it all sounds very teenlike.

I'd send one last message

Hi X. When you unfriended me on Facebook, our invitation to your party disappeared too. I'm assuming that means that we're no longer invited, so don't plan to attend. I hope I've understood correctly, but if I'm mistaken, please accept my apologies for being unable to come.
I hope the party goes well and that Y has a great birthday.
Love Ironplate

Thenone and and only way to know is to ask her, and if she doesn’t reply that’s your answer.

It matters because she and our mutual friends have been my core social group for 20+ years.

Obviously the way it's all unfolding is ridiculous, but it is a big deal in my life.

Well sure - if nothing had happened between you accepting the invitation and the party happening. But something has happened. She’s given you a pretty clear “fuck off”!

Why, we don’t know. But she has. So the idea that it’s suddenly going to be considered the height of rudeness not to go is ridiculous.

Are you in any sort of group chat with them all?

If so, I’d be in the business of being petty given how childish she is acting. I’d @ her in the group and say something along the lines of “so sorry to see I’ve upset you X, but given I’ve been blocked I won’t be at the party”. I’d even be tempted to make a group chat anyway.

This! Why on earth would you send apologies given she has unfriended you on FB (is she 12?).

The why is in another thread that the OP started. Absolutely ridiculous.

If shes unfriended you then its pretty clear you're not expected, and also what the hell. In general.
Just let her unfriend you, don't go to the party, dont inveigle anybody else into the drama and go live your life without her in it.

It all sounds insufferable.