I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Sounds like he has a very good deal and it’s not your fault he hasn’t been accepted for jobs.

So he sees you excelling at something and now it's all he's ever wanted to do? Only when he had the chance to do it, he faffed around. I'd have zero sympathy whatsoever. Sounds like he's just trying to make you feel bad.

There are many families with jobs where one parent is away a lot - they adapt and they cope.

If he has failed with BA, he should try airBaltic. Would mean relocating to the Baltics though.

Your username is so cute!

Also, you are very cool!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Yeah, exactly! And should be said to all the cabin crew, too!

Train driver is an excellent idea 👍

What is this shit he wants her job as it’s his dream job so she has to facilitate it to make it happen for him? if it was his dream job why didn’t he try to pursue it at any point in his life previously rather than wait until his wife has made captain?
Fine if he wants to pursue an alternative career but how is that supposed to happen when they have children and bills? the op is talking about selling their house to fund it which is utter madness

If it was a woman whose husband was away a lot and had a full time nanny and a relative to look after the kids while she works, saying her husband is doing her dream job for which she has no experience or qualifications bar a couple of flying lessons nor has she really taken any interest in it until the husband rose to the top what would people be saying?

OP, not sure if you're still reading this. But if he wants to do it he should. My friend's parents seemed to pay for my friend's brother to train to be a pilot and now he's pretty successful, it set him up for life. Can you not do that?

I am retaining at the same age as your husband in something incredibly hard and competitive and it's a huge hit to my family, both financially and in time, but I love it. I would regret it (and resent it) forever if I didn't do this.

Oh boo hoo to him. Women have been doing this for bloody centuries compromising on their careers to look after the children so the man can move up the ladder. He has had options that he hasn’t taken up so it’s all on him.

You are breaking barriers and he should be cheering you on not boo booing about his life.

Do not give up your job it’s not selfish to a) love what you do and b) ensure your family have a good standard of living. Giving up on that would be mad.

@givemesteel - I realise it’s a very long thread….. but could you perhaps at least read the OP’s posts before suggesting something she has already tried?

Her husband has had so many opportunities……. But at the end of the day he simply wasn’t prepared to put in the hard graft.

unlike @Jaynewayd ……… who is probably piloting some big plane somewhere as we speak..

I agree. It’s all a non problem. They have a privileged life, he needs to accept that the children he wanted come first, and to stop wishing his life away until they grow up. A nanny, a helpful aunt, no money worries, what’s not to like?

OP loves her job and has worked really hard to get where she is. She is one of the 1% of female Captains which is an amazing achievement that she shouldn't give up because her whiney husband feels sad, even though OP has put loads of childcare support in place for the time she is away. She is home looking after her children single handedly three days a week so saying that she is 'never at home' is just goady and untrue.

Do you say this to the thousands of fathers who regularly work away from home? What about the men on oil rigs who are away for months on end?

If everyone had a nine-to-five, Monday to Friday job, this country would fall apart.

Please point me to a thread where we get both sides of the story.

So not even single or divorced women? Your misogyny is showing.

What and none ‘leave their kids’? Of course they do. Along with our armed forces, oil workers, and I’m sure many other jobs.

The OP hasn’t complained, it was a PP

Well done retraining in something hard and competitive.

Flying training costs about £100k. You're assuming the OP's in-laws are still around and can afford that.

Well probably, but I say probably divorced or single men because only 5% of pilots are female.

If you are hardly there pursuing your career you love perhaps he feels lonely and drained looking after the 3 kids (including a 1 year old, how does that even work?). Where’s the balance as a couple…..

Did you miss that they have a full time nanny and an aunt doing childcare?

He's doing fuck all

Why is his business struggling? Does he need to look at branching out finding new markets, if he could get enthusiastic about pushing his business forward that might help, sit down and discuss where he might get it back on track? Could your job be more local so you are not away so much? But if his desired job was a pilot maybe you are cabin crew.

This is not your guilt to shoulder. Listen to him, signpost but please do not adjust yours and your children’s life to accommodate what sounds like a hobby for him. If he was serious about it, he would have pulled his finger out a long time ago and prioritised it over other things. If his business was doing well, he likely wouldn’t be feeling this way.

A more gentle reaction might be some therapy for your husband and trying to give him more time to pursue hobbies? Ok it might not solve all your problems but it’s a gentle shift before considering a huge overhaul!

FFS. This thread has been a real eye-opener. Is it any wonder that the glass ceiling still seems to be set in concrete.

So many women criticising a woman who has worked her ass off to break into that elite of professions, training for and now doing a job that requires total commitment, whilst doing everything she can to support her husband and ensure her children are well taken care of.

She still manages to parent her children THREE full days a week. She is a star and a role model for girls growing up today, but if attitudes don’t change - including some (too many!) other women’s attitudes - female pilots will still struggle 10, 20, however many years from now.

50 years ago when I was young, airlines would not even accept female pilots. At this rate it’ll take 50 or more years to achieve parity.