I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

You are never at home and you have young children and a husband. I would look at getting a different job, Life and spending time with your loved ones is much more important than having lots of money. If you have savings and size businesses that you can also live off I would consider coming back and doing something else. I've seen marriages break up over things like this

Love that you are Captain. It was inferred by a few posters that you were cabin crew. Nothing wrong with that, but Yey, go you 🥳

She is at home a lot and does everything when she is. If anyone needs to change, it’s the DH whose business is not making any money and who relies heavily on a nanny, his aunt and his wife to do all the childcare and stuff around the house. Why don’t you think he needs to lift his game?

How are people still telling the OP to quit her job? The envy must be eating them alive.

Just as well she does or I couldn’t go on holiday. Some bugger had to fly the plane. 🙄

Regardless of whether he needs to up his game or not, she does not see the family for 4 days a week. Sometimes more. I don't see that as a marriage. Is he sad because of his finances or is he sad because he doesn't see her, a Nanny is not a replacement for family life

In what way has anyone expressed any Envy over the amount of money op makes which she hasn't even mentioned? If she want family life then you she needs to compromise , otherwise things are going to stay the same, I'm not sure having nannies and an aunt is a replacement for family life

The thread is full of women jumping at the chance to tell another woman to turn her back on all her own hard work and accomplishments. I didn't mention money at all.

lol same, you should do an AMA sometime. It was always my dream to work for BA as a pilot (but can’t tell left from right so wouldn’t have worked!). But I always get so excited when I hear the captain/FO speaking and it’s a woman.

What sort of places do you fly to?

(also no advice, just that you shouldn’t feel guilt for having a successful career)

Sadly @Jaynewayd there is no point in feeling sorry for your husband or even offering more help.

You made your fantastic career, even with your help and when he's has the money he hasn't had in him whatever it takes to have the same career. What happens if he does get a rung on the same ladder, will he expect you to make way for his career, will he resent you being more successful?

He needs to find something achievable he can succeed in, not focus on something he isn't capable of achieving.

Your job is amazing - you are so accomplished, it’s really inspiring. Your DH needs to figure out how to better his situation and I’m sure you’re open to his ideas. Many people take a backseat to a partners job: on the plus side he gets to spend time with his children growing up and has all the bills paid. I think you should support him on his quest to becoming more content, but not take responsibility for it.

It sounds as if two separate things are going on here.

1. He is envious of your career and wishes he’d done the same.
2. His business that was once booming is failing. There is nothing you can do about the first. You giving up your hard fought career is unlikely to make him happier. It will just make you miserable. You are home half the month. You have put great support systems in place. You do everything when you are home. I do not think you can or should do more. You’ve done brilliantly in your career and you should be proud of it. You’ve helped him every step of the way but he’s chosen fast cars and booze over training to be a pilot. That’s his decision. I would step back a bit from facilitating this pipe dream. I don’t think you coming up with solutions is the answer. It’s never going to happen and the sooner he comes to terms with this the better. I would not rub your happiness and success in his face in it but I would shut down any talk of selfishness or injustice on his part. You are providing for your family. You’ve put in support mechanisms for him. He knew what you did when he met you. The failing business is an altogether other matter. I would give him every sympathy and support with this. I wouldn’t sweep in and pay material bills -that is likely to make him feel even more emasculated (if that’s what he’s feeling) but I would listen to his concerns, really sympathise and talk through options. Is this a business downturn a blip? Is it recoverable? Would he be better cutting his losses and doing something else? Business owners can get completely stuck when this happens. After all the hard work, the reality is too difficult to face. If there are creditors, he may feel huge guilt. Is there business support he can get? Does he have a business coach or mentor? Can he face up to reality if liquidation is the only option? Is he depressed? Does he need to see his GP? I’d be encouraging him to think beyond the business and beyond becoming an airline pilot. That may be something he falls back on when the business going badly gets too much for him, knowing he will never be able to complete this. I expect he feels a mixture of jealousy, worry, inertia and inferiority complex. He needs to work through those emotions with your support and come up with workable solutions. He needs to focus on the things that are going well for him and your family and what you’re building together. You are doing great, OP. He needs to face up to reality but a sympathetic approach from you - which tbf you are doing - is going to make all the difference. Good luck.

You sound great and he sounds like he’s got it made. He’s jealous of you, plain and simple. I’d be tempted to go it alone if I were you. What’s the point of him, if you fund everything, have a nanny and support and he’s still not happy?!

Truthfully Op I think a lifestyle where one partner is away that much of the week just wouldn't work for me - especially if my dc were very young.

Obviously I cannot answer for you and only say how I would feel, but I would want to re-jig the whole set-up. I'd probably be looking for a way DH and I could start a business together in your situation. I'm guessing if your salary is decent you could put a bit aside to work towards that?

I can see why he is sad: I would be.

To be fair, we've only heard OP's side of the story.

There are some wild responses on this thread! I've read all the OP's posts and honestly I'm confused as to all the heat she's getting from people saying she's not doing enough.

On International Women's Day women are out in force celebrating women and all their achievements.

On International Men's Day men are out in force complaining about how women put loads of time and effort into celebrating IWD but where's their effort for IMD?

It is NOT a woman's responsibility to make a man happy!

The OP has clearly explained choices he made, and the entirely predictable consequences, the choices she made and the entirely predictable consequences. And yet somehow his choices are her fault and she needs to fix the consequences?! Er no!

He's getting FOMO at her mega life. The mega life she worked mega hard and made mega sacrifices (3 mth maternity leave) to build. She pays for a nanny and subs his business. Literally what more do you want??

If a woman was on here whining about her lot before drip feeding she had a nanny and mother figure to help her with the daily childcare grind people would be telling her to wind her neck in and consider herself lucky.

Honestly!

Yes, probably single or divorced men.

With a job like that you have to make sacrifices. You can't be everything at once. Something has to give.

In all fairness, the OP has said she's head over heels in love with him. So that's the 'point' of him. I agree he's envious of her mega life but he's not pointless. Just sad, as she says.

Have you heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Right at the top is self actualisation. That's where the OP is right now. Fulfilled. She's not the one with the problem. He is. She doesn't have a problem not being at home with the kids and her husband. He does.

She doesn't want a different job. She wants him to be happy. It is not a woman's responsibility to make the man happy. It's his responsibility. Why should she make herself miserable and give up her career? Why can't he get counselling or coaching (whichever he feels he needs) and get his mojo back? He clearly had it 10-15 years ago when business was booming. She's got hers now. Why should she give up hers for his?

She's not doing it for the money, she's doing it because she loves it and it fulfills her. Why take that away? Why would her being unhappy make him happy? That's not a happy marriage. That's a controlling one.

It’s not for you to fix your husband’s dissatisfaction, it’s for him to change his mindset and/or situation. If you go around organising and facilitating everything for him, you’ll just make him look and feel even more inadequate. He’s already got a full time nanny and an aunt doing his childcare and cooking for him, and even with that support freeing up his time, he’s apparently struggling to keep his business afloat. As for becoming a commercial airline pilot, he clearly didn’t try very hard at that - it’s far more likely what he wanted was the fun of flying, but not the hard work, but because he’s miserable and struggling at the moment, he’s indulging in a bit of a fantasy, because you’re making it look so easy. Stop feeding his dissatisfaction by agreeing with him that he’d be so much happier if he was doing your job - you do not know that he would be and, frankly, there is an awful lot that is actually shit about being a commercial airline pilot. Stop letting him wallow in the misery of only looking on the bright side of your career and only seeing the negatives of his own situation.

@Jaynewayd your hubby sounds a bit jealous of you.
When you met did he ever say he was interested in been a pilot or is it just because you get to go places and he doesn't I'm sure most of your time is working or sleeping after a flight to the next flight.

There is nothing you can do for him
You have to work to support your family
He has help, gym and friends when you are away.
If it was other way around would he give up been a pilot because you couldn't be one.
I did feel bad to you said he gambled etc when his company was doing well but no you Fly high Pilot

Please don't listen to the trolls on here telling you that you have not done enough to help him..don't even credit them with a response they are just looking for a reaction.
If his dream job isn't viable then surely there is something else that he would enjoy more than his current job. I would leave him to work that out for himself though, he's a big boy!

C'mon! if he took 6 years to get his ppl he hasn't got what it takes, either in passion, interest, aptitude or application.

Both of you need a reality check.

I'd say he's having a mid life crisis. In his 40s he's realising he may never achieve his dream, he needs to come to terms with that. Salt is being rubbed in the wound by his business not doing so well and him basically being in a similar position to the one a lot of women find themselves in, if they have a useless husband who doesn't pull his weight or who works away a lot, of feeling like a "married single parent".

So whilst he needs to get a grip/see a counsellor about his mid life crisis and potentially close his company if it's not recoverable and get a regular job, you also really need to look at changing jobs to something where you're home at some point most days to help parent the kids. I don't think jobs where you're not able to come home outside of working hours is a situation compatible with having kids.

I don't believe for one minute you're "just scraping by" with all those jobs between you. Look at your finances objectively. You may need to cut back some of what you have and live a more modest lifestyle in exchange for being more present and involved in family life. At the end of the day, life with small children can be difficult and involves juggling everything to make it work. It's not about what you two individually want any more, it's about what's best for your family unit. That's what you need to be discussing, not just each others career aspirations.

I feel you're both trying to carry on as you were before the kids came along and it's just not practical. You're having plenty of child free downtime majority of the week to relax and recuperate and he's struggling by himself at home without even a hug to help him feel better about things. I think if the pair of you don't sit down and hash it all out, what's best for your family unit and your marriage, then you'll potentially end up losing him. Because if he left you he'd potentially gain some child free time when you were home and a partner who was there 7 days a week, plus child support from you because he's the resident parent.

And now I see he's a gambler, has a nanny, plus a female relative doing the majority childcare 🙄. He needs to grow up and be a father. If he wants you home, there's not likely to be money for a nanny and you're unlikely to want his aunt all up in your family business 24/7 either.

I wouldn't give up your career unless you're 100% certain he'll never gamble again though. I'm not sure you two would work well as a genuine both-home-each-night team with that fear lurking in the background.

Maybe he's not such a catch that's worth hanging onto? In which case, if you can afford a nanny on your salary then it may be best to remain as you are and he can decide if he's in or out, because he doesn't sound like he'd want to be resident parent and it doesn't matter if the nanny mainly raises the kids if it's currently mainly the nanny/his aunt at the moment anyway, the kids wouldn't lose out by you having them full time and leaving them with the nanny a lot.

As well as being a bit jealous of you doing so well and comparing his life to that, is he also maybe not bowled over by the realities of parenthood and would like to cut and run? A lot of men don't really want kids all that much, they have them thinking someone else is going to mainly look after them, usually their partner, and assuming that their life won't change much if at all.