I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

He then said he'd always wanted to be a pilot and went on to get his PPL (private pilots licence) usually, financially depending, you can get this within a few months. It took him close to six years 😫 he just kept stopping and starting it.

I dont mean this unkindly but it doesnt sound like he was ever that serious about his dream career does it?

I get he's feeling it's too late now but if he had been truly passionate about it he would have cracked on with it back then or at least shown a bit more commitment to getting it done.

I think it's easy to now bemoan a dream you lost when you never actively pursued it. I think this is all sounding a bit avoidant to be honest.

His business is financially struggling, not him as OP pays for everything including a full-time nanny and she is bailing his business out with her money:

'Yes I pay for everything. He pays for his car, gym etc. He also has bills that relate to his business that he sorts. I've helped with that a lot over the last year or so. We have a joint account but not for his business. That's his.'

OP has supported him since they got together. She facilitated him getting his pilot's licence and has used her contacts to help him get his foot on the ladder:

'What i meant by that; is i helped him to get his PPL. I was an FI previously so helped him get his PPL by taking him up.

I've put him forward for speedbird programmes , helped with cv, given him contacts etc. Unsure how else I could help.'

He also had the opportunity to train to become a pilot years ago but preferred to spend his money on other things:

'10 / 15 years ago his business was absolutely booming and he could have used his profits to become a Pilot then. Instead he chose fast cars, casinos and booze.. whilst i was spending every penny developing my career. Bad choices on his behalf but I do feel sad for him.'

OP has done absolutely nothing wrong and has gone out of her way to reduce the burden on her DH when she is away by employing and paying for a full-time nanny and paying for everything else, including subsidising his business. When OP is at home with her children three days a week, she does do it all on her own and doesn't have the nanny helping on those days. I feel sorry for OP having such a whingey and ungrateful husband.

OP don't quit your job. This is ridiculous to even think about.

Again do not quit your job. You've got a serious case of guilt because you are the successful one. That's not your fault or your problem.

@Holdinguphalfthesky thanks for your post. Yes I didn't fully read the Op post,.

I can’t believe you leave your kids like this

🙄

Exactly , as I said previously if this was reversed the woman would be told all about army/navy/oil workers wives etc just getting on with it with husbands away for weeks and months on end -and all without the luxury of a nanny and considerably less income . The guy has missed the boat, so he needs to get a grip and either refocus on his business or change direction by looking at something he enjoys even if part time and ditching the nanny - that’s what a woman would be told in these circumstances- not the high flying partner giving up their job - I can only presume those making these comments are those who have made kids and partners their sole purpose and often have limited options ,

I think many people don’t realise that unless you come over from having been RAF for most it involves significant personal financial cost - it’s not like say being a teacher and you go to uni and then get a job with the right certificates of competency. It’s not the kind of money you just ‘take a punt’ like a cheap franchise etc.

yes it's crazy, in the region of £100k and you can't get a normal student loan.

I was thinking the same thing. Also, I don't know what OP wants from this thread other than to keep telling us she's made Captain 🙂

I wouldn't say that actually. My DH turned down the chance to go for a promotion in a previous role because it would have meant him working long hours and being away from home a lot and we didn't want that as a family.

I don't really think your job is compatible with family life, and your husband is bearing the brunt of that.

It clearly isn't working for him and you need to discuss together what would be a good solution.

Next time you board a plane, make sure you bellow towards the cockpit ‘I hope none of you have children! If you do you should be ashamed!! You’re terrible parents!’

The guy is just jealous that your career is taking off while his is stalling. All puns intended. I would put money on the fact that if he was actually given the opportunity to become a pilot, he would find excuses not to do it.

I wish people could read.

1. hes not home alone with his kids while she’s away. He has a full time nanny and literally has an aunt who moves in with them. Can you imagine having a full time nanny, paid for by your partner, and also another woman living there to care for you and your kids, and feeling like you had it tough? He gets out to the gym and to friends. He might be one of the most facilitated men I’ve ever heard of with 3 women working hard to support him, his wife to earn the money and solo parent on the days she’s home which is quite a few, nanny to do daytime parenting and auntie to do family support.
2. he didn’t have his career goals sidelined, they were right there in front of him and he had the money for it and the spousal support and he fucked it up, he pissed the money away, I think the op said on drink and gambling and he couldn’t get off his arse to complete the 6 month course in 6 years.

he needs to look in the mirror and own his life and be grateful for all that he has.

In fairness, I posted my response before reading those updates and tend to agree now. But the post I was actually responding to was also posted before those details were made plain and I still think displayed a lack of empathy to the situation as it was initially laid out. But yes… my own empathy has waned at the gambling and other details I’ve since read

And you shouldn't have to IMO.
Doubt many men in your position would consider sacking off their career becuase their wife was 'sad'

The other thing I would say OP is about motivation - I know quite a few guys with high earning wives whose motivation and drive just upped and left when high earning wife was covering things off and especially if they had plenty of time on their hands- suddenly developed 2 hour a day cycling or gym habits all whilst moaning business wasn’t what it was -many men ( and no doubt a few women) became quite apathetic in this situation or even lazy if it comes to earning - is it that he is in a sector that genuinely has less business or less discretionary spend? or is it that he’s simply putting less effort in because his heart isn’t in it ? Because you are away a lot it may not be as obvious to you what the underlying reasons are -