I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

No man would ever write an OP post like this on a male forum- OP is too considerate of him.

OP’s flying years are finite - the family should enjoy the benefits whilst they can.

Couldn’t agree more - some real 1950s attitudes on display - either that or the green eyed monster

Agreed. There is a disconnect here somewhere. OP says their relationship is anazing. But her first post said that her heart breaks at seeing him go to work.

I think OP is in denial but hard to know for sure.

And she isn't even unhappy in her career! She's just to give up all that work because her husband has a sad face?!

But he is feeling miserable. Why would a couple not brainstorm every possible ways of improving things? I would hate my dh to be away half the month.

I agree, absolute mad, old fashioned ideas that should have been left in the 1950's.
These people walk amongst us which is fucking worrying!

I think it sounds like the OP has done that and more. HE is the one lacking the drive to do anything about his own sad face.

There is no need for OP to give up her career. But, if she wanted to be at home more, there are other approaches than the one she has taken. I’m not saying she should take any of these approaches, that’s entirely up to her. But the options are not ‘full time long haul captain or stacking shelves in Tesco.’ And I would know, because I have taken one of the other approaches that are open to her too, if she wants them. 😉 What she has done is an achievement that is sadly won by very few women, generally because that lifestyle does need a supportive partner, and it is often the case that wives are much more supportive than husbands are. But the other half has to be onside, rather than an unwitting and unwilling support act, however hapless they may be in their own ambitions.

Have you actually read OP's posts? How have you missed all her brainstorming?

OP does your husband feel in control of his own life and destiny? Or is he used to deferring to the women in his life and then also laying his dissatisfaction at their feet?

Personally I don't think any amount of career help you offer is going to solve his problem. He needs to stand on his own two feet. I would say he needs some therapy to deal with whatever issues have potentially held him back in life (any childhood trauma?) To come to terms with the fact that he isn't now going to have a career as a pilot (he may even achieve the realisation that he never really wanted it, i suspect he just looked up to you really) and that is the unfortunate consequence of his own decisions and to empower himself to think about what he wants can can achieve for himself.

You can't manage his whole life for him. You can't be his ambition and his willpower. You will disempower him and exhaust you both. You seem extraordinarily driven and ambitious. Most other people are not and that's also fine.

Perhaps he is not actually ambitious and needs to let go of the idea that a man "should be" and "should provide" and take a step back and enjoy being a great SAHD ? (Especially if his business is not actually that profitable these days) Or perhaps he needs to take a completely different career change that will align with the family etc. But he needs to decide it not you.

Get him to start with the therapy if you can, the rest may fall out from that.
Good luck!

I have. There’s not been brainstorming about alternatives, just the OPs DH wanting to be a pilot, but taking years to get his PPL, instead of months, and wanting to do what the OP does, which isn’t possible.

The poster asked about brainstorming about improving things. OP says:

We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. [for him to become a commercial pilot]

I've put him forward for speedbird programmes , helped with cv, given him contacts etc

I've put him in touch with some flight schools that may be looking for flying instructors which he could be interested in.

I‘m honestly shocked at how many people seem to think you should quit a career you’ve worked so hard for! If you were a man the responses would be so different (and I’m saying this as a SAHM 🤣)! Massive well done for becoming a female captain! ❤️

My husband has been able to excel in his career because I am at home with our children, but one of us being there for them and them not being in nursery at a young age was something that was important to both of us. We/I have absolutely no family help or anything (your husband is VERY lucky to have a nanny and an aunt!) but I don’t feel unfortunate at all. I feel lucky we can survive off one wage and I get this time with them. I’ve spent free moments that I do get on volunteer work (which could lead to paid work in the future) and I do a small amount of paid adhoc work for a family members business, I’ve undertaken free training where I can and I’m ensuring my CV is not going to be empty at all during these years. If he really wanted to better himself or make the most of his life he would, he sounds like someone who wants everything on a platter without actually putting the work in tbh!

I think you're taking on a lot of this yourself. It sounds like even if you were in a completely different career where you could have been the one to stay home, he would be very unlikely to have become a pilot - he says it's his dream job but hasn't exactly put the effort in to achieve it.

I think there are two separate things - if he's unhappy with his current job that's one thing, and I'd (in your place) be happy to do whatever it is to support him to find a job he does enjoy more. It sounds like you have a lot of support from family/nanny, and are financially sorted so he has a lot more options than most people wanting to retrain - whether he goes to university or starts up a different business or whatever. However he probably needs to let go of the pilot dream. That boat has sailed and focussing on it is just making him miserable.

Lots of people don't get to do their ideal careers - whether because they can't afford the training, they're too competitive (e.g. acting/singing/most forms of entertainment), the market has changed and those careers barely exist (journalism and soon many more with the advent of AI), or because they can't achieve the relevant health or fitness tests...

It's fine for him to want a job he loves as much as you love yours, but he isn't entitled to have the SAME job as you.

but in this case he's miserable because HE wants to be the one who is away half the month! It's not a case of missing OP, if they were both pilots they'd see even less of each other.

Not all couples are the same, you know?

I agree with you

Set in her ways?! Are you kidding??

What other job do you possibly think a pilot could do that would be equivalent???

🙄🙄🙄😂😂😂

Maybe OP can be become an instructor at an elite fighter school for the Navy and fall in love with a reckless yet brilliant naval aviator called Maverick who defies authority.

Wouldn’t be part of the plan I outlined above.

You’re right her and as mentioned, I hadn’t seen her occupation when I wrote the post.
It’s also news that she’s home 3 days a week (out of 5 or out of 7?)

The principle however still stands - they need to sit down and have a few conversations and figure out solutions together to the problem that the husband is unhappy.

Or they can not do that and risk things falling apart. They’re a team, they can figure it out.

Just unsure what I can do to fix it without quitting my job

This is not your problem to fix.

DH has a wife who pays all the bills, props up his business, and pays a nanny.
He has an aunt who also helps at home. He has all the leisure time he could want. If he is not happy, that is a 'him' problem.

Others have suggested he just misses you when you are away. I very much doubt this is the root of the issue.

My guess is that he can't handle having a wife who is more successful and who has higher status than him. This is unfortunately far, far too common with men.

When his business was going great, and you were earning less, everything was fine with him, because he was the "provider". But now he feels emasculated.
He has fantasies of being a pilot because then he would have equal status to you, but he doesn't actually want to be a pilot, that is not the issue.

He needs to get over his pride and patriarchal attitudes and count his blessings.

😂😂

"he can't handle having a wife who is more successful and who has higher status than him."

Yep, that is clearly what is going on here.

Are you a people pleaser OP? Because if you are managing financially , have a nanny and are home part of the time then I think this is your Hs issue to sort out mentally - I think it all needs talking about and reframing and he needs to find something challenging and satiating on top of his business or indeed ‘instead of’ - the kids are his responsibility as well as yours and it seems you at the moment are the main provider - I’m pretty sure if these roles were reversed and you were doing your own business , going to gym,meeting friends and all with a FT nanny he would be telling you that you haven’t got much to moan about and to buck your ideas up and he wouldn’t be wrong .