I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Op, i concur with pp in that you do sound remarkable. I have a reserve of awe solely for pilots and surgeons, so really well done to reach the status of Captain too!

I feel very differently about your dh however. What a spoilt, jealous man-child.
I simply cannot muster up any sympathy for his whining resentment over your success. Because that is what it is, bitterness over what you have achieved rather than what he hasn't, in as much as, he has had opportunities, was handed contacts etc yet he squandered them and now, in the face of your accomplishments it is hitting home. But it is on him, not you.

It is also testament to your good nature that you made this post and still feel so in love with him, because he would give me the ick quite frankly. I am aware I might be overly harsh but I have little patience for men like your husband. He might try looking at what he does have, rather than what he doesn't. His outlook would improve significantly if he did.

he doesn't actually want to be a pilot...

This pretty much sums it up. He would like the salary, the prestige and the 4 stripes.......

But actually doing the work to get where @Jaynewayd 's efforts took her?

Not so much.

And if he were Mumsnet would be telling the pregnant wife at home that she’ll be fine having the baby and being at home with 3 under 3 and in 12 months a job to get to as well… but then this entirely facilitated man needs more from her.

Yep and she would be told that single women manage just fine so just get on with it.

It's not such a silly question. I can see how someone might wonder if Captain is a management role at the airline.

@MediumHigh

I am absolutely shocked at people here telling OP to downgrade her career in some way. Being Captain of an airline - especially one like BA - is a BIG deal, and her success should be celebrated and encouraged. No way should she dim her light, especially not for a man. No man is worth that. We've all seen the stories of betrayal on here. Half of marriages end in divorce.

@Jaynewayd You do you, my friend, and don't even THINK of not doing your best to advance as far as you can in your career! Shoot for the stars. Man and babies will be just fine.

Can't believe you're a BA captain and also have three kids. You are SO cool! hashtagWonderWoman

There's definitely some green-eyed-monstering going on here, in my opinion.

And lots of internalised misogyny.

I agree - on my future BA flights will be wondering if the odd female captain is this rather splendid and inspiring lady !!

He needs to get with the 2020s and some sodding perspective. He's leading a privileged life married to a successful spouse, he is hardly suffering. He has his own PPL FFS!

All he needs to do is give himself a good shake and be grateful for all that he has.

I have to say, I am amazed at the amount of people essentially saying it is his problem, youre not responsible, but tables turned, if a man was walking out and spending 4 to 5 days a week out the country for work and coming back 2 to 3 days a week, you'd all be calling him a waste of space. Can't be a farther if he's not home, he needs to think of her.... honestly, I can't help with your specific issue op, and I am sorry about that, but, maybe you need to have a long, amd frank discussion, and try to meet in the middle somewhere.

My god the amount of women on here that are putting you down for having an amazing career and feeling sorry for your husband because he's jealous of the life you have OP is baffling..if this was the other way round there would be hell to play,he has a fill time Nanny which you don't have when you're home and he also has his Aunt in to help which you don't have when you're home so you work fill time and then it's non stop when you're on your days off,don't see any of these crazies saying when do you get 5 minutes for yourself but worried DH is at home for 4 days with the kids it's laughable..

I'm finding this situation all a bit bizarre. When you marry someone, you do it because you love them and want to be with them. However, you are not with one another, you are not sharing finances equally because your husband is financially struggling. You are not working together, or striking a work/life balance.

What's more important - Money or marriage?

It just comes across as being married just so you can tell people you're both married. What is a marriage if you are not seeing one another for days on end? Just friend with benefits? I don't know...these marriages where the couples do not see one another and one of them is struggling...it does not seem healthy.

So, yes I also feel sorry for your husband. He needs someone equal at his side, someone there, someone who supports him, someone who knows how to compromise for love.

I don’t think so, if the man was also a pilot.

firstly, pilots are away half the month and home half the month. They’d be around far more days than 2 days in 7.

secondly, a pilot is a career you have to put a massive amount of work into getting — you don’t accidentally get together with a pilot without knowing what the deal is. There also aren’t that many alternative careers for pilots, unlike business careers that might mean a lot of travel where someone could feasibly get an alternative job where you didn’t need to travel so much.

it’s also one of those careers people have reverence for. People have a lot of respect for pilots and are more likely to be accommodating of them.

The thing is OP, you're already established and successful in your career. His retraining, if you needed to cut back or stop, would be a significant financial risk to your family. The issue I don't think is him retraining at the cost of your career, but finding a job he at least enjoys or is good at. It doesn't sound like being a pilot was ever really for him and it's more your successful makes him think it is.

I don't like all these people on this thread talking to you like you can go part time. You're clearly the breadwinner in this case and it would be bad for your family if you didn't do your job, plus you're obviously extremely good at it. If it was reverse genders I really don't think people would be saying the same things, and if they were it'd be with ignorance of the piloting career.

I'm a single mum of a 2 year old with a serious boyfriend who doesn't have a career, whereas I've got 16 years experience in my field and earn 5x as much as him. We're talking about living in together and having more children and he's already said he's prepared to be a stay at home dad if needed. He chose to travel and do fun jobs abroad while I was building my career. Those were our choices and I accept his choices, but expect him to accept mine too and I'm glad he accepts that it's in our interest for him to support my career going forward (to be seen in practice). I don't always love my job but I know I'd be stupid to give it up.

You sound like you've had an incredible career and enjoy it too which is fantastic 😊.

Also this ☝🏻

If it wasn't for her career the whole family's finances would be in jeopardy due to his business failing. OP is keeping her family afloat with her career. Also she was doing this career before he met her so knew what he was getting himself into. Being a pilot is a specific skillset and most don't move industry. I only know people moving from Military to Commercial.

Exhausted? He has a full-time nanny and his aunt moves in as well to help when OP is away.

He effectively has TWO nannies. One for him and one for the kids! 🤣

It really helps to read all of the OP's posts before commenting.

What's more important - Money or marriage?

Money. Just ask anyone who's been betrayed by a spouse.

One hundred percent.

I couldn't agree more!

I hope OP achieves as much as she possibly can in her career and earns the max she can!

OP has been very clear that her relationship is a good one, she adores him, and they are very much in love. So I'm not sure how you draw a conclusion that they are just married to say they're married!

Do you also think that male pilots should not be flying if they are married because their wives need someone to be by their side and support them and compromise for love? Or is it only married female pilots that should take ground jobs? Curious to know if you think no pilots should be married or just female ones.

May be a silly question but could you do short haul and move closer to a particular airport?

Sigh.

She covered this. Many pages ago…

I realise long threads are daunting, but at least read the OP’s posts.

@MustWeDoThis you haven’t read the OP’s posts properly. She said they have shared finances except his business- as an entity- which should support itself and provide him with an income, but which is struggling so she subbed it. But their family finances are joint.
OP has also been very supportive and offered compromises, but her husband hasn’t taken her up on the opportunities she’s set up for him.

Away 3-4 nights a week then back for the same sounds like a decent balance to me. They have a nanny, so the husband doesn’t have to do school runs or compromise on his own work and activities. When OP is at home she is a full time parent. I honestly don’t imagine a man in this position being given similar advice.

@Weirdconditionaltense she said they have a child with additional needs who’s well settled in school, so they don’t want to move at the moment and are over 3 hours from a short-haul airport so she still wouldn’t get home of an evening.