I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

@Jaynewayd out of interest did he want to be a pilot? I feel for him too . My H works for himself and I work alongside him in the business but I work at co working centre, him at home - it doesn’t suit all men - do you think he might feel a bit more in tune with life if he got a desk ata cheap but vibey co working centre. Ours does lots of nice pick me ups too, kick off breakfasts, weekly cake buffet, Friday afternoon drinks trolley etc

There’s no such thing as having having it all. Sounds like you have a great life. Health, a home, jobs and children. I wouldn’t have much time or sympathy to be feeling sad about this.

If it is a pilot https://britishairways.connectr.co.uk/apply?utm_source=britishairways&utm_medium=website&utm_campaign=spa-intent open up to age of 58!

Pilot? A friend of mine came into a huge sum and invested it in becoming an airline pilot. Did it for a couple of years, flying endless short-haul scheduled flights between a variety of European airports and fell completely out of love with it. Doesn't do it any more.

@ihavetocookagain BA would only be interested in people in their 50's if they were already qualified pilots, probably ex RAF.

I disagree with this. A family is only as happy as its unhappiest member. If your husband is unhappy, you need to look at what can realistically be changed to improve things for him. And maybe it's not realistic to do something as drastic as quitting your own job so he can chase his dream. But equally it must be pretty tough to have a spouse working away all week and then running side businesses too and that life is not for every couple (and yes I would say this if genders were reversed). You probably both need to find some compromises. Have you even had a conversation about him seemingly struggling?

I work for BA funnily enough. Not necessarily true re age

I actually work for BA. He tried a fair few times and hasn't got through unfortunately

Thank you for your advice. Yes lots of times I've opened the conversation. He always says it's hard me being away and he misses me. I know id feel exactly the same if it was the other way around. He did say he feels left behind. Unsure what I can do to help :-(

One thing is him accepting he can’t re train if that’s the situation
The second thing is helping him be happier in other ways. Can you work less hours so you’re at home more? Does he have any hobbies he does which are fun.

I think it's very difficult to hate your job. He's not being irresponsible or lazy. Have you looked seriously at the cost of him retraining and how you would live while he's not earning? Is he guaranteed work at the end of it? How will your career progress? If his dream isn't an option what other changes could you both make to get to a happier place?

@Jaynewayd I'm guessing your work entails a lot of flying?

Friends DB was a pilot. Redundant after covid and trained as a train driver. Enjoys it i think

You're not responsible for your husband's career.

If what he needs to do costs 40K and needs you to sell your house, he needs to think again.

I think a mother was at home working full time look after three children whilst husband is overseas and her business was failing and she wasn’t doing her dream job would her husband feel sad for her?

He has a lot on his plate! I am sure you do your share too but that must be a tough gig.

I don’t think feeling sad for someone is a good thing to do. I kind of feel pointless and condescending. We can’t all have our dream jobs. I certainly don’t. Is he depressed? We can’t all live perfect lives of pilot and cabin crew. As exciting as it sounds. He can get another job doing something else. If he is depressed then he needs medically treating. He cannot have the perfect job but he can do other things like hobbies, holidays, homes stuff , socialising, sport, reading etc.

whist professional fulfilment is indeed a huge part of one’s self it is not the whole person and I think it is hard to disentangle that when you have a job that has a ‘type’.

He appears to be sacrificing a lot for you to continue in your career. How even is it? Do you do a fair share of everything when you're home? Are finances joint?

Expensive training may be out of the question but figuring out how he can change to a new job should be on the table. Is he able to go to work if you're away - is there childcare or is he doing it? Maybe when the youngest is in nursery?

I feel sorry for him too, same as I would for a woman in that situation. 3 kids and holding down a less than dream job which isn't paying enough whilst partner isn't there to support. It sounds grim.

@Jaynewayd how old is your DH?

And do you think something else might be making him unhappy?

I was in a similar position, struggled in my late 20s with whether or not I should get into debt, etc

Once I'd actually made the decision, it was made - it's very easy to think that something you would've tried might be successful or enjoyable but it's not necessarily the case

That's not to say I didn't go back over it, I would say it was hanging over my head as a bit of a question until I was about 35. But then I ditched it. At that point I'd built up such nice savings and I was overpaying the mortgage and I thought none of this would've happened if I had forked out for retraining. What I was looking at wasn't a guarantee of a bigger income. Well, nothing is ever a guarantee of a bigger income is it? Although perhaps your DH was looking at a job with a more clearly defined path and obvious income stream

I'm not sure, but haven't pilots pay gone down quite a lot recently

I'm not 100% sure from what you've said if that's what's making him unhappy or if it's something else? Maybe he's just in a rut.

Has he actually had any flying lessons? I only ask because I know many pilots, myself included, who got their PPL and decided not to bother with the time and expense to get their commercial licence and just fly for fun at the weekends, maybe instruct further down the line.

Maybe that would 'scratch the itch' for now?

I agree. I couldn't do what I do if it wasn't for him. I love my job. I'm a Pilot and recently got Captain. I think he's seeing me getting everything I've ever wanted and as much as he's thrilled for me, he feels left behind.

As you said; same if it's a woman home for three kids. Which was me during lockdown whilst his business excelled.

When I am home, I take everything on. Kids, cleaning, washing etc. I get everything sorted for the days I'm away. We do have a Nanny too who works when I'm away - not when I'm back.

He finds it hard me doing a lot of bucket list places and experiences without him.

But unsure how I can help any more than I do.

Yes. Many. He has his PPL. I'm Captain already at my airline. I take him up with me sometimes to help too.

Hi. Yes I'm a captain of an airline

I genuinely have no idea how you do it. I would love to be an airline pilot myself but I'm slowly coming to the realisation I just can't have that lifestyle and have a family without having an enormous amount of guilt. It would eat away at me. So for now I'm flying for a hobby and maybe when my daughter is older I could rethink but I'm not sure how I feel going through all that training in my 40s.

I don't really blame your husband for feeling that way. But I don't blame you either. You've got a truly awesome job. I know that's not very helpful.

Is there any option for you to fly short haul (I assume you're long haul) or go part time?

There's a few captains at the flying club I'm at and their seniority seems to allow them alot of choice and time off particularly over the winter.

I'll add that I really do think it's something you need to address because his resentment will only build. I was warned by a few people that being a commercial pilot can cause a lot of strain on families particularly the person at home. Even more so if that person wants the same life you have.

You can't both have that sort of job/life with young children. It's a lifestyle career.

We’re a big family who’s life revolves around aviation including flight deck crew and I honestly feel you could be doing more to help him realise his ambition. Life really does seem to be all about you. And how do you think ‘taking him up with you sometimes’ makes him feel in real terms?

Does that involve flying?