I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

@Jaynewayd there are such things as career coaches. I most definitely do not mean life coaches, which anyone can be after a correspondence course. Some organisations use psychological testing and employ psychologists to conduct the interviews.

Your DH needs help to think about how to change his career because he clearly can’t spend the rest of his working life as he is now. Although someone criticised you for feeling sad for him, I disagree with that. You love him and you want him to be happy and fulfilled. Not only does he need that, your family will be affected by his unhappiness.

Of course it does. The captain is the person that flys the plane.

He cannot have the perfect job but he can do other things like hobbies, holidays, homes stuff , socialising, sport, reading etc

How much of this stuff could he actually get time to do though if he’s working FT and has 3 kids to look after solo for 4 days a week? It’s easier said than done.

Yep this

not sure a woman at home while her husband is away during the week would be told she can do hobbies!

op you haven’t answers how fair the split of things like finances are. I think he’s feeling fed up and tbh I don’t blame him

What i meant by that; is i helped him to get his PPL. I was an FI previously so helped him get his PPL by taking him up.

I've put him forward for speedbird programmes , helped with cv, given him contacts etc. Unsure how else I could help. Any advice would be great instead of saying "I could help more."

I cover all bills

Would it be really fair for your kids if you were both away a lot? I don't think so.

This is the life he committed to. You pay all the bills. He's in the position of hundreds of thousands of women. My sympathy for him is limited.

I think you both need to talk about where you both see yourselves in x number of years. To be honest if I was him I would be very fed up to. He really is stuck. How old are the other children?

I've been doing it 20+ years. Prior to having children. I was short haul and got long haul, prior to having the children. Was obviously grounded during my pregnancies. I LOVED being home with them and miss them a lot when I'm away. Especially the baby. But unsure what else I could do. If I did short haul, the commute is not worth it for me - 3.5 hours each way. I still wouldn't be able to home at night etc.

I thought about going back to being an instructor for a while - thats how I started. But the pay would be nothing like what I am on.

I do get good down time etc but when I'm home my husband has to work and I then have the kids.

Difficult isn't it. Thanks for you comment ❤️

What should I do? Quit my job? Yes hes fed up. I don't blame him either. Hence my post. But unfortunately financially I can't walk away from my job!

It’s tough on him and he’s obviously in a rut but he has to help himself. There are lots of people who missed out on their dream career, you’ve got to pick yourself up and move on with life!

You are right. He's just being left behind as he wanted my career.

I was home for three years during lockdown and he was working none stop. I never saw him. So yes if this was the other way around - no one would feel sorry for the woman. We'd be the "lucky ones."

God OP you sound amazing and I'm a bit in love with you.

No advice though <unhelpful>

@Jaynewayd not meaning to be rude at all, but did he want baby no 3? It’s just increasing the brood just tied him down and kept him in the same old rut he clearly doesn’t like for even longer. There’s no space in his life to-do anything unless you have hired help of course.

OP, you seem to have the best of both worlds. Family and freedom.

Btw, I’d be saying exactly the same if roles were reversed.

I agree. If this was role reversal it would be 'ah well, you had the children and the choice to have them and can have a semblance of a career back in about 10 years time'.

No woman in his position would be told on here to just get a hobby and get on with it. She'd likely be told to talk to someone about her options, just in case.

He really really wanted number 3. More than me actually. 🤣 obviously very happy he's here though.

I do very much have the best of both worlds. I'm very lucky.

But if roles were reversed people would tell me how lucky I was to have a husband who works and pays the bills etc. Why should it be different because I'm a woman? I've worked very hard to get to where I am in my career

Why? Don't people work these days?

EXACTLY! 💗

Life is pretty shit for him. He's solo parenting 3 young children 4/5 days a week, working from home, working hard in a business thats not doing well whilst watching and supporting his wife have his dream career. I don't think I would be very happy in this situation if I were him

Does he get a lot of adult contact when your away? If he works from home and is caring for the DC is he just stuck constantly at home?

I would feel very sorry for a woman in this situation and wouldn't consider her particularly lucky

We have a full time Nanny for the children. She does school run, has the baby etc. Makes everyone's dinners.

His Aunty who is like his Mum also stays in the house whilst I'm away to help. He gets a lot of help From her with childcare, washing, cleaning etc. He goes to the gym and sees friends whilst I'm away too.

Yea, of course. But it seems pretty uneven, which should always be addressed. If he wants out at some point, where are you re: the children if he is the parent with them the most? I've seen that brought up on here before.

I'm not saying what you've done with your career isn't great because obviously it is. But I would make some time to consider growing resentment before it sets in..

'struggling to make some payments so stepped in to help'

I'm really confused by this statement as you are married and have kids and it sounds like he does the lions share of things when you are away, therefore enabling your career. Do you not share finances?

Yes I pay for everything. He pays for his car, gym etc. He also has bills that relate to his business that he sorts. I've helped with that a lot over the last year or so. We have a joint account but not for his business. That's his.

Yes he does a lot when I'm away . We do also have a full time Nanny who helps. Childcare day to day isn't fully on him.

Do you think maybe he's sad not because he's overwhelmed or doesn't have help because he simply misses YOU.