I’m talking to my own partner on a dating app.

[Ahitsteatime]

Currently 20 weeks pregnant, partner had taken it badly. Stropping around, not sure he wanted the baby then he did, making mistakes at work saying he was depressed. This is our first and was an accident. After weeks of him being up or down, I checked his phone. Mainly because I was worried he had been searching suicide methods or something. But no, I found a dating app.

He didn’t really have many chats about three and they were flirty and sort of sexual. I felt more annoyed than upset. I stupidly then decided to make an account, I don’t know why. I guess I wanted to see it for myself and control the narrative.

Used random photos off Reddit and he matched with me and I’ve been messaging him across the room. He’s told a ton of lies, single obviously, lives alone, new job, used older pictures😂. Such a piece of shit. It’s very interesting how he’s suddenly taking his phone in the shower

its been a week and now he’s away for work in a hotel. I’m at home, and messaging him. He’s not replied to my WhatsApp but has replied to “Graces” several times. Saying she’s gorgeous, asking if she models. Yuck

i need to end it when he gets home and have told my mum and im making plans but I kinda love he’s making an absolute tit of himself. Part of me wants to arrange a meet up and then turn up myself but he’s volatile. Thinking I could get my mum and dad sat in the pub when he goes to meet “Grace”. He’d be horrified and panicky then. Fucking twat.

I say screw him, get creative with this and hang the bugger out to dry. Surprise party….’hey, you cheated and now you are alone!’

In this scenario he deserves to suffer a bit, twat.

I would arrange for him to meet Grace far away.

While he is out, put all of his things on the doorstep and get the locks changed. Send him a text saying it's over. Have a friend come over for support if needed. Call the police if he becomes threatening or aggressive and certainly don't let him in.

Never speak to him of his cheating or your knowledge of it. The silence and uncertainty will be the worst punishment possible.

Sorry that you are going through this x

Lol this would be hilarious 🤣

Definitely get your mum and dad to meet him on his date with Grace 🤣

OP you are awesome 👏🏼

As someone who has a piece of shit if an ex-husband with whom I have a lovely daughter I so understand your conflicting feelings on this, but my now teen daughter and I are super close and she doesn't even want to give her crappy dad the time of day.

I wouldn't tell him it's you. Because then he can turn the blame on you.

Pack your stuff. So when he comes back you're gone. Then "Grace" can ghost him when he's back too.

Gosh, I’m so sorry for what you have had to go through. Whatever you choose to do, remember that unlike some previous posters who have been in your position before, your daughter will be a link to this man. He will, in some form, whether it be in the smallest capacity possible, or fights for capacity to see his daughter, or chooses to step up and co-parent alongside you, be a part of your future, wanted or unwanted. Please do not put yourself in a position where a volatile man leaves you feeling unsafe. Humiliation brings out the worst in people.

It is worth knowing that an unmarried father, not on the birth certificate in the UK, does not automatically have legal parental responsibility. This means no automatic rights to custody, visitation, or decision-making, though the obligation to pay child maintenance remains. You don’t have to put his name down. He doesn’t need to be there with you to register the birth. You can take the upper hand here. If he wants something, he’ll need to answer to you, on your terms.

Encouraging him to book himself a night away somewhere to allow you to get things in order could be really helpful. At this point, I’d cease the dating app. Cut free from him, the app, and give yourself time to focus on you and your beautiful daughter. You’ve got this!

I’m going a bit against the grain here but I’d stop the contact as ‘grace’ you know he’s done this and it should be enough for you to decide whether to end relationship or not. It feels like you’re degrading by yourself by stopping to his level and ultimately you’re going to have a child together so destroying him might feel good for a brief moment but the repercussions will last a longer. Don’t involve his parents , they have done nothing wrong and don’t need to be dragged into this. I think you have the perfect opportunity to take the upper hand but still had some dignity - but that’s just my two pence worth.

I can only imagine. My scumbag moved because he was a pilot and literally asked me to “keep the home fires burning.”
Then he got some random stewardess pregnant and didn’t ask me for a divorce until that child was 3 - and I knew nothing. I don’t know how you manage to keep something like that a secret, but he did. Well, we were in different states in the USA.
So I think you should keep leading him on. And then FILL THAT BAR WITH YOUR ALLIES and meet him there - like a previous poster said, with his stuff in bin bags.
And make sure everybody cheers as he limps our hahaha.

Exactly this!

OP can hardly ‘win’ or take the high ground as she’s also on the dating sites and he can say he was doing what she was doing.

I’d leave/ remove his stuff whilst he’s not there and be gone once and for all.

OP you don’t even need to hear his lies about why he was on the dating site or anything else he’s got to say.

You don’t need to waste any time explaining anything to him.
Just tell him that you’re done, you can do better and you’re not wasting any more of your life on him.

As much as he deserves to be confronted I dont think it's a good strategy. Some form of grey rock would be a better idea. If you confront him he'll have to get his own back in some way, you will be creating stronger ties with him.

Do you like Pina Colada?

But it's OP"s house! I'd bag his stuff and tell him you don't want to be with him anymore. Have someone with you for support and safety.
When he's gone, delete Gracie and plan for a lovely quiet life with your baby

It's really tempting to have a big show down and humiliate the living daylights out of him, but you will just play into his hands, you'll be called all types of crazy as he turns it around to you, and as you say he's volatile he could react badly initially or, wait and have revenge at a later date, which will affect your child, but I doubt he'll let it go or back down and be humbled.
Make your plans for him or you leaving, have back up and cut him out, as hard as it is.
Unfortunately I have personal experience of revisiting humiliation on a partner that cheated on me and humiliated me, all I'll say is it didn't end well and even now, 10 years on, I'm never sure he won't try something else to 'get even'. Honestly those few days of vindication weren't worth what followed.
If you do want to confront him, which I totally understand, then you could say that 'Grace' found out she's the other woman and has contacted you with screenshots, that way he's more been caught out cheating than you've set him up if that makes sense (He totally deserves being set up btw but he'll focus on that rather than what he's done iyswim?).
Sorry you're going through this OP 💐

I'd say do anything that makes you feel even a bit better over this whole thing. If that includes sending a few messages, the do it. As long as you protect yourself and you're not giving him anything more of you, if you know what I mean.

Sorry about it all though, it's sad to hear. I bet though you are going to be a brilliant mum, certainly one who will teach your child how to value themselves and not settle for any crap. Wish you all the well in the future.

I agree with pp.

Grace arranges a weekend date at hotel. You tell him it's over and to pack his things up. Change the locks and let him toddle off to Grace (who ghosts him). He'll be out of your hair/house with no arguments that way. You should be a lot safer if he's volatile.

Good point by another pp. Don't put him on the birth certificate.

This is a nasty post.

OP I did similar with an ex and never let on it was me. I just used it to tell him he wasn’t attractive enough to meet to dent his confidence whilst I cut all contact and said I realised I had no feelings for him. It was the best revenge and I don’t regret that. But I think you would regret telling him it is you as he will then tell everyone you set him up, play the victim blah blah blah and you don’t need the drama right now. Nobody can villanise you for saying you just don’t want to be with him.

Definitely don’t have him on the birth certificate and absolutely do not have him at the birth. I hope you have a good support system around you. You’ve got this. The second my first baby arrived they were my entire universe. Congratulations!! Make sure you protect your birthing experience and postpartum very strongly! If you need to go stay with family or have them move in for a bit do it but do not allow this creep to ruin it for you.

i agree with Grace asking him to book a hotel for the weekend he is due back, but use the time leading up to that to have his things packed and put into storage and get all locks changed. Have you dad around.

Grace can ask him to let her know what hotel room he is in so she can come straight up and when she is about due to arrive, Grace messages again and says she met his wife and his belongings are now located at x place and he is no longer welcome at yours.

then give him a gob full as Grace for leading her on…. Watch him back peddle to you.

Just remember this is the person you chose to be your baby’s dad. Your child has a right to know and have a relationship with them, so you may have to be involved with him throughout your child’s life.

What do you mean he can be volatile?

Get grace to ask him for a dick pic then reply with ew…no. And then ghost him.

Since this has names and screenshots, you may want to ask for this to be deleted before a paper picks it up and he might see it.

I’d be gone before he got back at the weekend, steal power leads for absolutely EVERYTHING, router, tv, Xbox, kettle base if you have to 😂 and fill every curtain pole with prawns.
You and your babs don’t need such a pathetic excuse for a man and I hope when he does meet his next ‘Grace’; he ends up with a nasty dose of the clap. Prick.

It’s her house.

i saw on insta a girl did this and arranged a meet then didn’t show and messaged him from the fake girls account saying she turned up and saw him and he didn’t look like his pictures and other stuff… I’m not saying do this but…

don't waste your time, leave him and know you are going to have to learn the grey rock method to deal with him or you are setting your child up for years of upset and misery that their parents argue all the time.

What an utter scum bag. I'm sorry to say this but I'd bet he's been on and off the dating apps for far, far longer than you know about.