I’m talking to my own partner on a dating app.

[Ahitsteatime]

Currently 20 weeks pregnant, partner had taken it badly. Stropping around, not sure he wanted the baby then he did, making mistakes at work saying he was depressed. This is our first and was an accident. After weeks of him being up or down, I checked his phone. Mainly because I was worried he had been searching suicide methods or something. But no, I found a dating app.

He didn’t really have many chats about three and they were flirty and sort of sexual. I felt more annoyed than upset. I stupidly then decided to make an account, I don’t know why. I guess I wanted to see it for myself and control the narrative.

Used random photos off Reddit and he matched with me and I’ve been messaging him across the room. He’s told a ton of lies, single obviously, lives alone, new job, used older pictures😂. Such a piece of shit. It’s very interesting how he’s suddenly taking his phone in the shower

its been a week and now he’s away for work in a hotel. I’m at home, and messaging him. He’s not replied to my WhatsApp but has replied to “Graces” several times. Saying she’s gorgeous, asking if she models. Yuck

i need to end it when he gets home and have told my mum and im making plans but I kinda love he’s making an absolute tit of himself. Part of me wants to arrange a meet up and then turn up myself but he’s volatile. Thinking I could get my mum and dad sat in the pub when he goes to meet “Grace”. He’d be horrified and panicky then. Fucking twat.

OP, you have been together a long time and are pregnant.
He is acting like a complete idiot but I think you need to be honest with him.
I will get framed for saying this but I think you need to have a frank discussion with him and work on rebuilding your relationship.
A friend of mine was pregnant when her husband left her for another woman. Complicated but he returned and they rebuilt their relationship and are happy together several years later.

Agreed

Definitely this. I love all the suggestions of getting your own back and setting him up to make him look like the w*** he is but there is a bay involved.

I do like the idea of suggesting Grace as a name though!

I think I’d work on how you are going to get him out now. Do you need to let him know now so he can arrange somewhere to go plus if he’s angry you don’t need to live with him? Not that he has a right to be! It’s crazy that you have been together such a long time and planned children in the future that all of a sudden he has decided he doesn’t want this, but hasn’t been adult enough to tell you. I wouldn’t tell him it was you in the app but that someone told you.

I can completely understand both these feelings. He’s really let you down, and you have every right to be angry and sad. How much longer do you think you can string him along for? I’d be tempted to message him as ‘Grace’ a bit more, maybe get him to send you some potentially embarrassing pictures etc, and then arrange a date, maybe a weekend away together, in a public place, with a couple of friends lurking for support, so he can’t explode and be a threat to you. Whilst he’s out at the date get the locks changed and pack him a bag.

I would just dump him as soon as he returns home then make Grace dump him the same day. Double whammy to his inflated ego.

Yes set him up but get a friend to meet him that hes never met and then you just casually come out of the toilet but im so sorry hes a twat but thank god you found that out now and you can leave

OP, unfortunately your soon to be ex-partner will be in your life for at least the next 18 years, so as a some PPs have advised, you need to manage the breakup to ensure the best interests of you and your daughter.

Making him feel a fool probably won't help, so while turning up to a meeting as Grace would be very cathartic, it might be very counter productive.

I think you should tell him that you've seen the messages with Grace and end it now. You can tell him that you were Grace when your DD turns 18, it will be something to look forward to.

Co-parenting with a dick of a man is challenging, but if you think there's any chance that he'll be involved in your daughter's life, don't make it harder for you by letting him know that you've played him for a fool.

I've a dick of a co-parent, which only became apparent after we had our DS and he couldn't cope with not being the centre of my world anymore.

Grace needs to make some moves... Encourage him to book a room. You get there early, dump all is shit with a fuck off note and get on with your life.

Arrange to meet him as Grace. Once he’s left the house, changes the locks and leave his stuff outside in bin bags.

I think you should turn up but just worry about the stress on your baby. Maybe bring your dad with you.

Another vote for enlisting both of your parents to turn up and calmly confront him. Preferably somewhere busy, not a quiet cafe where there is more chance of being heard by others. They shouldn't stay for long, they should just tell him that they know exactly what he has been up to with Grace. They should ensure that he gets a table and turns up first so he doesn't scarper after seeing them. I don't think you should confront him yourself, in case he becomes belligerent or makes a scene, you and the baby don't need any more stress. It will be safer for your mum to have your dad present and he is going to look terrible if he is bellowing at a middle-aged or older couple in public.

He is far less likely to cause a scene if both of your parents are there and if he has a shred of decency left, he will be overcome with shame having to look into your parents eyes after being confronted with what he has done to their daughter. I'm presuming that your parents have been in his life for the duration of your relationship, even if he is indignant, he is bound to feel terrible. He needs to go back to his own parents' house and you need to claim maintenance.

So sorry this has happened to you.

So important to avoid any stress at 20 weeks. You must put yourself and the baby first.

What do you mean by ‘volatile’? If there’s a chance he could become aggressive, then suggest seeking advice from a domestic abuse agency on how to safety remove him from your home. Could a relative or friend stay with you until he’s moved out? Do you have good security measures?

Best to think from the perspective of your baby. This is her biological father. What relationship would you want her to him with him? And what relationship do you think she’d want you to have with him? It’s always best if parents can get on, even if not together. Then seek family law advice on how to achieve it. You’ll have to explain to your DD one day how you reacted, so make sure it’s always in her best interests.

Reminds me of the pina colada song...

Whilst it would be an interesting thread for us all for you to set him up and humiliate him, you need to keep in mind that this is your real life.

Tell him you don’t think he is a decent partner and you want to split up. Don’t mention Grace, don’t mention the sites. You have out grown him and that’s that.

Then change the locks, have a friend stay with you if you can or a sibling or parent, incase he takes it badly.

Then when the baby is born call her Grace.

I’d kick him out and leave him off the birth certificate.

Your daughter doesn’t need this shit in her life.

@BlueEyedBogWitch but she has the right to know who her dad is and whether further down the line she would want a relationship with him.

Not putting his name on birth certificate is not foolproof as he can apply for it to be added

though I think that has a happy ending?

Her mother can tell her who her father is. She can also tell her why she didn’t want him to have any legal or parental rights over her.

He’s volatile, unfaithful and feckless, and he’s stated he doesn’t want to be a father during the pregnancy. The chances of him launching a legal bid to be named on the birth certificate when he could be off shagging whoever are slim, I reckon.

I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my daughter without supervision. He sounds useless and a bit dangerous.

Are you serious??

Yes. At least let him know she knows and make him feel like the twat he is.

Good that you know for sure that he is a shit partner and don’t feel tempted to try and give him the benefit of the doubt.

But for now, put your energy into sorting your life out, the practicalities of getting him out of the house etc, as calmly as possible.

Keep the stunts for your fantasy entertainment and your forthcoming film script, and work out how best to manage the next stage of real life.

When is he back? Tonight?

It is possible to know who your father is, and to have a relationship with him, without him being on the BC.

Being on the BC gives a feckless, volatile man powers that can make single parenthood much harder.

‘Gracie’ should maybe arrange to meet him, let him arrive, then message to ask if he is Teatime’s dp? Then he can panic about whether she will tell you, OP

I wouldn't fuck about setting up a meeting. If he asks for some pics of "Grace" she should send a selfie of herself with bump on display while he is away. Tell his family you need one of them to come and pick up his stuff and get the locks changed.
Maybe go stay with friends or family for a week afterwards