How can you afford that?

[AQuestionAlways]

What’s the appropriate answer to the above?

I quite often find people ask me “how can you afford that” especially if we’ve gone on what seems like a fancier holiday.

We’re not rich but we’re not poor either. Other than saying…. With money. I’m not sure what the appropriate answer is without it seeming like I’m bragging or seeming like I’m coming across that I think we work harder than they do.

If the person asking has kids I usually say because we don’t have kids because that’s probably the truth. We’re a dual income household who are mid to high earners. We don’t save particularly hard but we have a fair bit of money left to do what we want.

But lots of our friends don’t have kids and I try to laugh it off but when they push, because we work hard, because we’re sensible with money, because we have good jobs etc seem passive aggressive. So what actually is the correct response to that question?

I always say that we all have different priorities. I prioritise holidays but other people prioritise going to the pub.

Tell them that you make and sell massive Twelve Days of Christmas table-top decorations. To deter them from copying your idea and flooding the market, also tell them the downside is that you get ripped to shreds on Mumsnet each and every December.
But oh my, the money's good.

I'd tell them to mind own business cos it's not their business, if you want to use your money for a nicer car, holiday, nice caravan, extention to house, nights out at push restaurant that's your business and no1 else's

@nomas again I was responding to a post about people not knowing about inheritance…

One is not obliged to be open, maybe it’s a age thing as I said 90% of my friends had help to get on the ladder, it’s quite normal for us to discuss this type of thing.

@AfternoonRitual I simply said it is lucky to receive an inheritance imo. You don’t have to agree…

By this rationale, anyone on this website is "lucky" considering that there are people in the world who dont have access to clean water or food so therefore noone on Mumsnet can moan about anything as they are also "lucky"

Are you new to MNs this is a frequent retort! 😆

There used to be an auction site called naughtybids where there was a huge premium available for underwear that was, er, stained to order. Then they banned it and... naughtybids is no more.

Don't ask how I know this.

I just say “yes we’re very lucky”.
Yes technically you could talk about different lifestyles, priorities, careers, etc. but in my experience “how can you afford that” is a rhetorical question, so the polite answer is to just acknowledge it and move on.

Just say "We saved up for it".

Alternatively: "We earn more than you do".😂

My lips are sealed 😆 👀 🫣

@pokemoan but you said: Of course you don’t have to tell but people don’t understand things they don’t know about…

Why do other people "need to understand" how I spend my money or where it came from? Why does my colleague need to even know I inherited money for example, it's literally none of their business.

Just because you like to tell all and sundry about your personal financial stuff doesn't mean others are obliged to do the same and frankly, my life is full enough that I dont care to be spending time worrying about where my friends money came from. I find that quite bizarre.

@AfternoonRitual I don’t know how to make this any clearer, I responded to a post that was talking about understanding!!!!!

And I am not sure why you have inferred that because I am open that means I think everyone should. I literally said “one is not obliged to be open”

Just because you like to tell all and sundry

What has confused you about the word friends?

my life is full enough that I dont care to be spending time worrying about where my friends money came from.

but not full enough to not be bothered about how others explain things 😆

@pokemoan well yes, because you seem to be implying that your way was superior and I dont get that at all. You described people as "cagey" about inheritances and said they would omit to tell people. There's nothing wrong with that!

I dont see any nobility in telling people about where your money comes from 😂

I believe it's best answered with 'I budget well '.
Nice and simple.

We've done well for ourselves, no one has any real clue because they make assumptions as we don't spend on things to impress others. But we do prioritise travel, incredible holidays and memories.

The amount of times it's been recommended we 'upsize' now, is silly. We are happy, no need for a bigger place. No, we don't need to lease a new car, we own ours in full.

Then we hear complaints, that they can't afford holidays like we can, can't afford to meet up, and 'must be nice' type looks. They can't (ever) afford to invest or put money aside because cost of xyz. Not easy to help, even if I wanted to.

On the other hand we do have genuine friends though who finally understand now what all our sacrifice was for, and want to do the same now. They are twigging that midlife is approaching and working is very tiring, and pensions matter. They're kind, interested, and not nosey. Much easier to help.

So I just smile to myself and ignore it when I get boasted to about xyz purchase or that we're not spending enough .

@AfternoonRitual you need to reread my posts because you are reading things that I haven’t said. I did highlight that in my previous response to you.

People are often cagey about inheritance, are you saying that is untrue? You yourself said it’s no one else’s business.

Im not sure why you are accusing me of thinking my opinion is superior simply because we have a different opinion & I disagree with you 🤔

I know someone who did that. One of the loveliest women I ever met- her kids went to the same school. She had an arsehole of a husband who she thankfully divorced. But he was financially abusive and she had to get some money while the divorce was being finalised.

We moved schools before it all ended and I often wonder about her and hope she is doing well.

I dont see any nobility in telling people about where your money comes from

And I don’t see any nobility in not discussing money with friends. I won’t accuse you of being superior though!

I usually tell people that I sell dirty photos of my feet for big wads of cash. With a serious face (very important). They never ask again.

Do people really ask this? I’ve never had this throughout life.

It's crazy, isn't it? If you insisted on grilling them on their supermarket bill each week and asking about every time they put a luxury item or two in their trolley, they'd (correctly) see that as a huge overreach and intrusion; yet if you chose to forgo those regular luxuries and instead save the money up and spend it on one nice, bigger thing, they feel perfectly entitled to know every little detail.

It's always the way: another honest small business on the skids.

Answer with a question "what makes you think I shouldn't be able to afford it?"

Yes we get it regularly. Pretty much every time we get back from holiday. We go away every three months or so to nice places so I do understand people wondering but we also both have good jobs and no children so it’s pretty self explanatory how we can afford to go away.

People don’t seem to think it’s rude to ask although me saying because I earn more than you is seen as rude. Although it’s the truth, so I’m not sure how to nicely answer it when I find the question rude to begin with.

I actually resorted to the latter the last time a friend pushed and pushed about how we can afford it and she got very huffy with me.

As I said we aren’t incredibly high earners but we earn a decent amount and don’t have children so have a lot more spare income than a lot of people. We have no parental help, no inheritance, we just earn more.

But that answer isn’t acceptable so I don’t know what I’m supposed to say! DH does OF on the side will be my answer from now on.

Are you a higher earner with luxurious living and if you are- are you surrounded by people who live the same way as you do?

I ask because DH earns a lot of money and we go on very luxurious holidays so we get asked this a lot. But by the people who don’t earn the same as he does. He never gets asked this by the people in his industry.

So if you’re not being asked maybe you’re either not living the same life as OP or surrounded by people who do live the same way as you do? Lots of people on this post have commented they’ve been asked the same so just because it is not your lived experience does not mean it is untrue.

Sometimes, maybe people ask but don’t really want an answer. Maybe what they really mean is ‘ I wish I could do do what you’re doing and I’m wondering about how you do, but don’t want to know anything that somehow makes me feel like I’ve made poor choices or done less well than you..or actually any real reasons, unless it’s pure luck and then I can feel you’re just more lucky than me’.

And it’s for that reason, that actually any kind of honesty doesn’t really go down very well. And it’s why the vague and evasive answers are usually best. I’d only give an honest answer to a person who is much younger gear than myself who is asking totally genuinely in terms of wanting advice for the future.

Otherwise, people think you’re boasting or criticise them…forgetting it was them that insisted you give them the info!