DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

It’s really frustrating having to get an adult out of bed in the mornings. I do tidying up time at 5pm, then dinner then bedtime while my husband clears the kitchen and tidied any remaining mess from kids. Then it’s tidy when I come down. I get up early at 5am for shower, get kids ready for school and leave for work at 7.30. I shout for my husband so he can do the school run in my absence and if I have to ask him to get up more than once I feel v pissed off. There’s no way I would want to come down to a mess. I think you need a different routine maybe.

Yes. Why on earth would this be the next logical step where you have two people who both seem to want change in the same way? Also, I don’t feel that it’s a great example to children to say “we got married for life and we did love each other and still do but the fact we’re finding it hard to reconcile who we are now means it’s best we just give up”.

Yeah except growing up watching my parents hate eachother was awful. The divorce was the best thing they have ever done, I felt anxious and on edge through my childhood because they were constantly bickering and the house was always tense. I now have an amazing relationship with both of my (divorced) parents and their spouses.

I don’t believe at all that divorce damages children. Quite the opposite when it’s needed.

So… you ‘hate ‘each other’ ?

no, but neither did my parents when they got married and had me and my siblings 😂

I think if I was him I would be annoyed the expectation is there for him to get up at 5 am to tidy while you are in bed. Do you work? Why don’t you both tidy up before going to bed? Maybe he just wants an hour or so of peace. How is the rest of housework/childcare split?

Im not saying it does. Im saying giving up on an amicable, but non-ideal, relationship isn’t the example to your children you seem to suggest it is.

You just seem to be missing several steps from your “plan”, which also doesn’t seem to accept that change happens and marriage implies a duty to work with that change, not to walk away.

There is a huge difference in the impact on children between an argumentative couple causing tension and uncertainty for the children and a couple who aren’t overly affectionate. You seem to say you are the latter and your parents the former. So not a direct comparison. Even if it were, hand on heart I can say my parents’ marriage has been tumultuous - with my father leaving and coming back on several occasions. I can hand on heart say I have an excellent relationship with both of my still-married-to-each-other parents notwithstanding the chaos they caused. So I don’t think there’s really any logic to your position.

I don't like that the DH is making out that he doesn't know why he's no longer showing OP any love or affection. To me, that's a red flag. I bet he knows exactly why.

But how does he explain wearing the aftershave to work, @RichInSpirit ?

Also, please be aware that many men who are cheating have second phones.

Ah I forgot to even mention that tbf. I’ll ask him later 🤣

I very very much doubt he’s having any kind of affair. He’s only got one female colleague who’s much older, married to the owner and has cancer. I don’t think she’s got time to run off with him.. and other than work he doesn’t really go anywhere else, and if he does I know where he is all of the time as my entire family are on life360 together