DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

@GetAbsOrDieTrying, you have realised OP wasn't posting for housekeeping advice? Also, your friend looks like a textbook case of ADHD.

@RichInSpirit
I honestly don’t think he’s got the energy to cheat, he’s never got the time. He literally goes to work, comes home. He doesn’t really go out socially other than a couple times a year with old friends, or we get together my family for games nights, outings occasionally. We’re part of the same friendship group and is how we met - he’s very much very introverted and I know it makes me sounds really naive but I just can’t see how he would cheat, I think he’s more the type to just be unhappy and drag me down with him but stay because he doesn’t want to have to not see his kids everyday.

I have known plenty of men who appeared wonderful family men, never went out, always there in the evening, introverted, tired etc etc who cheated. It’s amazing what cheats can manage between the hours of 9-5!!!

I am not sure what this is but this does look like a classic sign of another woman and husband checking out. And I’d caution you to never dismiss people telling you just to double check that.

It’s strange really. Why do you think he’s acting like this OP? What are your theories?

Why don’t you tidy up before you go to bed? To me the nicest thing is getting up to a tidy lounge a clean kitchen. My aunts and mum taught me to clear away to start the day . Less stressful first thing in the morning! Then there’s DH. He’s either ill, not happy at work, sees this as his life is dull, or he’s having an affair or he’s just not in love with you anymore. Talk to him ask him what his problem is!

How much does he play his game? So you think he doesn’t wake you up because he’d just rather play computers instead?

My husband sleeps through alarms. He tells me “oh, just wake me up”. Why the fuck should I? He’s not a child. Having to wake someone up is just another “job” for me. So I don’t bother. It’s just easier not to. But you can bet I resent doing mornings alone.

Instead of badgering your husband to do what you want you need to work out why what he wants - physical affection etc - has changed. And no, it is not inevitably an affair. But you cannot simply demand a change and expect it to happen. Reverse the positions - your husband demanding physical affection and threatening to leave if he doesn’t get it. That wouldn’t seem right would it?

Don’t get me wrong - I have sympathy on this front - but rather than demand what you want you need to negotiate a new normal that you can both accept. You are a long time married; it will change but if you love someone I think it’s worth trying to stand in their shoes and work out how to move forward together. This is even harder with someone who can’t articulate their feelings and it shouldn’t be all on either one of you but you may find that a little effort on your part goes a long way

I confess I haven’t read the thread.
However, 2 words jump out at me in the OP

”He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me”

They show your mindset and send the wrong message.
Also, you have offered to ‘help him’?
No, you would be tidying together, no-one is helping anyone.

Everyone has the time and energy for an affair.
I’m not saying that’s the issue, but do not bury your head in the sand and believe that’s not a possibility

I agree there's probably something more at play.

But in the meantime I'd try saying - our old routine isn't working anymore, let's instead spend 15 mins together tidying before bed.

And see if that changes things. Because who wants to come down in the morning to dirty dishes and toys etc? It might put him in a better mood.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This is really very very dependent on one’s
work and one’s children.

yeah!! He should totally get up at 5 do all the household admin before work, take the kids
to school, and when ops completed the arduous task of school pick up and he’s home TWO HOURS later…he needs to take over
EVERYTHING the lazy bugger!!

Hey OP.

Are you specific when you make requests? For example; Please will you wake me up at 6:00 am in the mornings. (Other times are available).

For whatever reason, the morning tidy up is no longer working. Rather than battle this, would you be willing to try something different? 10 minutes each (you and hubby) having a quick tidy of the kitchen and living room in the evening. It doesn't have to be once the kids are in bed, maybe just before putting them down. Again get specific. DH, at (insert time) we are going to spend 10-15 tidying round. Will you load the dishwasher while I clean worktops, empty bin, etc. then I'll pick up toys while you sort the sofa cushions (or whatever it is that needs doing in the living room). Sell it to him like he gets his morning to wake up/relax before going to work for the day and I can sort the kids in the morning without having to tidy up before I start.

Of course kids don't want to tidy up - it's boring! Maybe seeing mum and dad do it will model the behaviour you want to see in them. I say this because you mentioned starting to get them involved with tidying. Of course they will protest, but in time it will become a normal part of the evening routine if it's done every evening. (I'm aware they see you do it during the day, but they are so entrenched in play, they probably don't notice.

FWIW, it doesn't sound like you're asking too much If you happily take everything else on. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but maybe being open to change will help.

0500 pretty early to wake. If he wanted to lie in until 0700 which be reasonable he wouldn’t have time for the 20 min quick scoot round. If he chooses to get up 2 hours early for some me time don’t see an issue. If he’s FT and you’re PT then you have more time to potter.
Seems to be more the principle. He did it before, has now stopped, great with kids but checked out of relationship with his actions showing one thing and his words saying another. You can’t force him to do it (and sounds like you want him to do it to show he cares/you’re a team which forcing would negate) and he can’t force you to accept before and after work he wants down time.
He maybe doesn’t wake you as he wants time alone or thinks it’s more hassle two of you being up (for some reason!).

Agree.

The old chore pattern is not working.
Try asking DH to tidy up of an evening and also to start dinner. All tidy up together. Dirty plates etc are depressing to wake up to.

Then reward each other - he gets to have a slow, calm start to his day and you get a sleep in until 6:30 am.

Compliment him on his new scent. Go on more dates.
Make time for couple time.

I couldn’t live like this, just reading your posts is suffocating.
You need to take responsibility for getting yourself up in the morning, whether that’s seeking medical help or some other strategy.

Perhaps he wakes up at 5am to get some headspace before work. He could choose to get up later, in which case he couldn’t tidy anyway, but I think the expectation that he should do this at the crack of dawn before going to work full time is ridiculous. Not every second of his day needs to be productively accounted for.

Start by lowering standards because that amount of mopping is helping nobody,

I'm sorry to say that this is classic "checked out" behaviour.

No longer engaging, spending hours on his phone or "alone", suddenly wearing aftershave.. the only thing missing is the new underwear.

As a previous poster said.. cherchez la femme

In terms of your insomnia, are you on medication for your mental health? Some antidepressants can make insomnia worse so if you are, it might be worth checking and seeing if you can change the time of day that you take them.

Assuming that whatever your husband is up to in the mornings is completely innocent and he’s just getting completely engrossed and forgetting to wake you earlier, perhaps he could set a reminder on his phone to wake you up? Or perhaps he could get on his game a few minutes later in the evening so you can both get stuff done first? His current routine is working fine for him, but nobody else and it’s a couple of small tweaks that could be easily done. Equally, it will be quite telling if he refuses.

As a father why shouldnt he do his fair share of tidying up whilst the mum has a lie in? I am sure this mum works hard with washing, ironing, cooking etc.

After the cologne wearing incident I’d say as pp say and look for the other woman.

How old is he OP? If 40 or older now his testosterone will be dropping so lower energy and less interest in sex. Worth looking into.

I'm not sure we should be describing sleeping between 6am and 7 am as 'sleeping in'....

It is a lie compared to 5 am.

He sounds depressed to me. You've talked about your insomnia and other health problems and that you can't use an alarm to get up. He's getting up at 5 and there's a mess to be cleared up before he goes off to a full time job. He's had health worries too. It all sounds overwhelming for him to me.

I honestly don’t get mumsnet. Someone is questioning why her DH is not doing a long standing job that he has always done and so many of the responses are - why aren’t you doing it yourself you lazy cow. Poor DH having to spend 20mins having a tidy up of the mess he helped create

Do you need to tidy together on a morning? What if you do half on an evening, say the dishes and DH tidies the toys when he gets up? I wouldn't like having to wake my OH up every morning to help tidy and I think your DH should be allowed some time on an evening to game if he's been at work during the day.

I don't think my DH and I have ever done housework together. I like to get everything done on a morning and he's more of a night owl. Also invest in a robot hoover to save yourself some effort!