DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

You really are living in the dark ages.

Why is it living in the dark ages to not think hoovering and mopping needs doing as often as OP seems to think it does?

Honestly if she relaxed about the constant mopping and hoovering she might find there was time to do the tidying up.

Have no clue where you are going with this, you seem to be way out of what this conversation is about.

No. I don’t think so.

But why should she have to find time to do the tidying up - why is it just down to her?

He chooses to get up at 5 - he wasn't doing it in order to tidy up, because he is still getting up at 5 even though he is no longer tidying.

The OP is not having a lie in - sleeping until 7am is perfectly normal FGS!

The OP said in her second post "I’ve suggested we tidy in the evening but he said he doesn’t want to because he just wants to sit down after dinner and putting the kids to bed and play his game."

Why does he get to completely check out of doing any chores so he can spend two hours in a morning on his phone and then the rest of the evening playing video games while the OP does all of the housework, cooking, child care and works part time?

@RichInSpirit delete all the games off his phone - and yours… now you’ve got time for each other (don’t spend all of it cleaning)

I’m an early bird but I’d hate it if I was expected to do chores while the other half was in bed. I don’t mind doing a bit of washing up now and then if it’s left but not expected to. The toys can be put away as the kids are getting ready for bed surely?

Is he gambling? and hiding it.

If by that you mean I am happily tucked up in bed at 5am not fretting about tidying up after a child I can't get to tidy up after themselves and able to work full time, am financially independent and don't need a man to wake me up then yes I'm living in the dark ages

‘Nothing worse than sitting in mess’? Then how can you leave dirty dishes overnight? Pack the dishwasher at night (one parent) while the other helps kids tidy and bathing. If the kids struggle to help, or have tantrums (at 6 years old!), do they have too many toys available at one time so get overwhelmed. You can rotate or declutter toys.

Doing things to ‘prove a point’, giving timelines (to meet your expectations), threatening to leave; sounds like a control issue. Lack of respect, and lack of appreciation, leads to resentment, in either or both partners.

Basically though, if it’s not working it needs to change. Discuss, with respect, compromise if needed, and agree to try doing things differently.

You haven’t mentioned weekends. Is somebody doing gardening, mowing etc. When does DH do (most of) the laundry? There are missing pieces here.

Wow! Control freak?

Did I miss where OP said he’s on his phone? This has been mentioned quite a bit throughout this thread but I thought she said sitting on the sofa drinking coffee?

Yeah I’ve ignored those comments because he’s not really a phone user, the only thing he really does on his phone is take photos of his hobby and read a forum about his hobby 🤣 he doesn’t use social media, doesn’t play games on his phone (plays PlayStation), doesn’t even take his phone to the toilet or in the shower it stays on the bedside table or downstairs most of the time so doesn’t really worry me. The most use his phone gets is when the kids are using it for videos 🤣.

Anyway, a chat has been had - we’ve agreed on clearing up downstairs together after the kids have gone to bed every night.

We’re going to take turns putting the kids to bed each night.

He was apologetic for being distant, said he doesn’t know why he’s changed but he has noticed it too, he said he thinks he’s become a bit self conscious of getting older and has been thinking a lot lately about self improvement and how he can stay fit and healthy as he ages.

We’re going to give it a good go but both agreed if things done change we can amicably call it quits because it’s not fair on anyone, especially the kids to see their parents not showing eachother love. We want to set them a good example of how to treat people you love.

Sounds like a very honest and measured conversation, OP. Hope things improve.

Amazing what a proper conversation can achieve. Is it possible to have a ‘date night ‘ occasionally, just the two of you without the children?

Am I the only one who thinks this is strange? I get the conversation about changing arrangements etc - all very healthy - but I don’t get the almost casual escalation to the conclusion that you’ll split up if things don’t change. That’s huge and IMO not helpful to add that passive threat of separation to the conversation.

Yes that was a huge jump. There must be other things going on.

I also think it’s strange. Doesn’t sound like total commitment to trying to maintain the relationship.

… and I still don’t know what happens on the weekends?!

Wish you all the very best OP. I really hope things work out for you.

I had a similarish situation with my DH where things had drifted sex and affection wise but we have managed to get things back on track after communicating better.

I don't find it odd.

The DH has acknowledged there's a problem with a total lack of affection, they are going to try and address this but are realistic enough to see this might not be possible and if not it's a deal breaker for the marriage. Seems straightforward and sensible enough to me.

Wow, so the very first response was by someone who just jumped to a conclusion, added an untruth, and gave others misinformation on which they then based their comments!

Quite right. I’m not the most affectionate person in the world, I’m not the PDA type at all, but I do need something in a relationship that just reminds me that I’m still wanted by him. If that’s not something he’s willing or wanting to provide then that is a deal breaker. I don’t think it’s strange to want some affection in a relationship.

Since our chat though, so far so good ☺️ the real test will be when the conversation is in the past and whether we stick to what we’ve agreed. I’m hopeful 😆

I think it’s a huge jump too.