DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

And the new habit of wearing aftershave to work when he never used to?

@RichInSpirit you've mentioned him gaming.

Is that part of the issue? Is he gaming all evening while you're cooking dinner, playing with the kids, and then getting them ready for bed?

Judging from this thread - and speaking candidly - no, you're not a goodcommunicator. And appear to lack insight into anyone's feelings other than your own

Sounds like it may be DH's 'turn' for burn out/depression and it's time for OP to provide the support to him that he has to her

Wow, an incel/MRA has wandered into the thread, blaming the OP for her husband refusing to communicate with her, and seemingly having an affair... 🙄

It sounds like he is coming to resent you OP for whatever reason, but how is he supposed to rectify that without hurting you when you are already in a fragile mental state (this is the part you are ignoring).. anything he says, about how he is feeling resentful of you, will make him the bad guy so he is keeping quiet, and pretending he is tired/stressed etc, he can't win.

You need to take it as a given that he is not okay but he is choosing not to tell you why right now, you seem to think the problem is all him and to be honest it's really not.

Saying you'd come and help him clean if 'he woke you up' is the equivalent of someone saying 'I'd have done it if you asked me to'.. bullshit basically, stop saying it, as I'd be annoyed AF with that attitude and I'd probably sit downstairs for 2 hours too, especially if you have ignored the mess from the night before and left it for me to deal with.

You need to stop taking each other for granted, but one of you has to make the first move and acknowledge that is what is happening.

I don't understand why some adults sit and game all the time. They need to grow up and deal with their adult responsibilities first before anything else. If they have kids then they need to deal with them.

I think in your case i would be tidying at night and if he was gaming then i would be saying switch that off and do x, y, z - i would tell them they are also responsible for tidying up after their kids no matter what that might be - doing dishes, bathing them, putting toys away etc.

I would also be pulling him up about the relationship.

Maybe depression is behind the wish to find other connections? I have seen it happen like that - finding your circumstances becoming unbearable and looking for change or ways out.

I can't really get past the having no clean plates bit, that is really bad! Do you think he is resentful of you OP so going on strike? Were you really bedridden for a week or milking it for a bit? As I can't imagine we'd ever get to the point of having no plates washed. If I was really ill and OH couldn't even do that I would be fuming!

I would just go out today. Leave him to clean and host.

Actions speak louder than words.

Maybe he needs relaxing alone time.

You have several inbuilt factors which make operating as a team more difficult.
Different natural sleep patterns.
Different communication styles.
Both have anxiety issues.
In addition at this time you also have additional stressors.
Both have had health worries.
Two small children.
One person main earner (which brings pressure).
On the question of tidying up I would add a very quick tidy, dishes into dishwasher, evening toys away to the end of the bedtime routine, then it is done. Would work towards the kids tidying up themselves before bed.
On the broader issues of your relationship you need to try to find time to just be together, to not let resentment turn in to point scoring. Rather than try to talk about feelings or expectations try to have a conversation about how you can make the day run better for both of you, if any changes would help. If you can pull together on the practical things you might feel more that you are in this together rather than being in opposition to each other.
You need to find a way of waking yourself up, if you become a single parent you will have to. I say this as a natural night owl who was on medication which doped me while my children were young!

Just the one?

I've read this entire thread thinking "What in the name of Margaret Attwood is going on" The whole thread seems to be full of Trad Wife Andrew Tait groupies going on about how the OP is a terrible wife for expecting her husband to contribute literally 20 minutes of tidying (not cleaning as some keep saying) and a bit of laundry while she does literally everything else as well as working part time.

God forbid the poor man should have his two hours of morning relaxation or entire evening of gaming interrupted by picking up a few toy, washing a couple of dishes or sticking tea on when he works <gasp> full time! @🙄

That's funny - the guy couldn't even manage to do the washing up when the OP was bedridden with flu for a week because he apparently can't do anything when the kids are around.

If the OP went back to work full time and he went part time and had to do everything the OP does during the day I doubt he would cope with it!

Gaming - is this mobile or pc game ? Ive seen many fall victim to debt, addiction or emotional affairs

You don’t need to justify yourself to these misogynists.

They’re acting like you’re a massive burden to your husband because you expect him to tidy up in the morning and wake you up, when you do 95% of everything else!

God forbid a man be expected to tidy up after his own kids in his own house.

And he chooses early morning as tidying time - because his evening is for gaming! He gets several hours of “me time” every day, when do you?! And you’re sleep deprived!

Please don’t listen to these people trying to make you feel like a shit wife and that it’s all your fault. It’s not. Your husband may be resentful and bored of the realities of life with small children, but if he is, that’s because he’s selfish, not because he’s unusually burdened.

As for the coldness - you can’t make him love you. If he responded to your efforts when he’s not really feeling it, he would just be acting. He might have fallen out of love, as many men do after having children. Again it’s because they are self- centred and can’t handle the responsibility, boredom, or not being their wife’s main focus any more. If this is the case, it’s not your fault and you haven’t done anything wrong. Only he can fix his attitude that could be killing his love for you.

For your insomnia, try blue light blocking glasses and magnesium bisglycinate supplements.

Who does what on weekends?

People saying you need to check his phone are uninged. This is straight forward lack of communication. I did exactly the same thing to my wife. I was getting sick of cleaning in an evening because she's tired and goes to bed early. But rather than talk to her about it I just kept it all in and stewd on it until it was a bigger issue than it needed to be. One day I exploded and we had a rant. One evening of arguments fixed everything. I started to be more direct about my emotions (which is very hard to break the habit) and she started helping more. At no point was i messaging other poeple, I just thought I loved her less when really it was just me withdrawing because of my own negative thoughts. Communication will either fix everything or show you that you have other issues to negotiate. Neither option is bad, just sometimes you have to work harder.

Where did it say that?

Firstly, you can both tidy up before bed.

Secondly, sort your own system for waking up. A family member relied on her parent to wake her daily because “she sleeps through alarms” but since her parent died somehow she’s miraculously found a way to wake up.
You might find it cutesy being woken by him but I can guarantee you he resents it.

This is it. If she lived alone she would miraculously find she could wake up to the alarm because she’d have to. When you rely on someone else to wake you your brain knows it can sleep through.

OP was only able to give up her job when she experienced “burnout” because he was there to shoulder the financial load. She is only able to ignore the alarm because he is there to wake her up. She was only able to sleep in because he was doing the tidying “for her”. I honestly don’t think he’s up to no good, I think he’s tired of the being responsible for everything and everyone.

He gets up at five so that he can have an hours quiet time to himself before he has to face the day - so what if he spends it drinking coffee and playing with his phone? Tidying up can be done later. There seems to be far too much cleaning and tidying being done anyway.

Interesting to hear a similar story from the other side…

Because its not normal to have to tidy up at 5am because their partner is filling up the rest of their time needlessly hoovering and mopping all the time?

Jeez, there are some paranoid folk on mumsnet 😂. I’m a very early riser and I love that first hour in the morning to myself when I lie in bed with a coffee and read mumsnet. I can easily lose two hours at the weekend doing just that, and if my DP decided that meant I was addicted to porn, gambling or using dating apps and checked my phone because of it, he’d be gone.

OP, the flu situation is awful, and there’s really no justification for that, so it needs a serious discussion. If that’s how he behaves when you’re unwell, then you’d be better on your own, really, as it doesn’t seem like any of kind of partnership at all.

Where I can see his side is with the affection stuff. I’m not a naturally cuddly or kissy person and I can’t stand neediness around this from a partner (yes, I know that’s unreasonable, but it’s just the way I am).

However, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I show affection in other ways, and I do still show physical affection, but maybe just not to the level some other people would.

To be honest, your schedule makes me feel stressed. There’s no reason that you can’t both tag team in the evening to tidy up after dinner and get the kids sorted. They should also be learning to tidy up after themselves. I hate waking up to a messy house, especially the kitchen, so I couldn’t be doing with that.

If he wants to game at night, that’s fine, but getting the tidying up done between you should come first, then you can both relax and do what you want before bed.

I do feel for anyone who struggles with insomnia - it’s truly horrific, but you need to get to the GP about it and try to find solutions. Not being able to wake to an alarm is not normal or sustainable for an adult with young kids.

' can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.'

Are you not working?