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Original poster

DH stopped helping and is acting different

385 replies

RichInSpirit · 03/02/2026 06:42

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 03/02/2026 06:44

I would want to know who he is messaging on his phone sat with his coffee

Smittenkitchen · 03/02/2026 06:47

Has this been quite a sudden change? Especially being more distant?

MJagain · 03/02/2026 06:49

Barrenfieldoffucks · 03/02/2026 06:44

I would want to know who he is messaging on his phone sat with his coffee

This.
what has suddenly changed?

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PrincessofWells · 03/02/2026 06:50

Tell him to shape up or leave and mean it.

Cando6 · 03/02/2026 06:54

He has some sort of resentment building maybe. Has decided he deserves to just sit in peace (on his phone?).
I’d be getting up earlier and bustling around.

SurdEv · 03/02/2026 06:55

Sounds like he’s checked out, also he’s not helping you it’s his house and his children. Head has possibly been turned.

WhamBamThankU · 03/02/2026 06:57

Can you see if he’s on WhatsApp so early?

Followthesunshine · 03/02/2026 07:01

If I was him I would feel resentment at the expectation - which it is clear you do expect - he should be tidying up at 5am, particularly whilst you are still in bed. Why don't you both tidy up on an evening?

NeedSleepNowww · 03/02/2026 07:03

Followthesunshine · 03/02/2026 07:01

If I was him I would feel resentment at the expectation - which it is clear you do expect - he should be tidying up at 5am, particularly whilst you are still in bed. Why don't you both tidy up on an evening?

That was my thought too.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/02/2026 07:03

Why is he coming to wake you up? Why not set an alarm and get up?

maybe he doesn’t think there is a fair split of labour. Talk to him about it.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2026 07:03

@RichInSpirit, there will be a reason that his behavior has changed. He is putting distance between you by withdrawing affection and ceasing his efforts to tidy up in the morning. You have spoken to him to no avail.

Something is amiss and I would be investigating his phone for answers.

SynthEsjs · 03/02/2026 07:03

Is he punishing you as a result of what you said in your chat? You should ask him this directly.

Allmychickenscometoroost · 03/02/2026 07:05

SurdEv · 03/02/2026 06:55

Sounds like he’s checked out, also he’s not helping you it’s his house and his children. Head has possibly been turned.

Agree with all of this.

He's not helping you, he lives there too

He is distant and acting differently, I would be worried.

Can you clean at night after the children are asleep? so it's all tidy in the morning.

user1492757084 · 03/02/2026 07:06

Don't ask DH to come and get you.

Tell him that you really appreciate him tidying up in the morning, that it makes your whole day start on a bright note and thank him very much for it.

Had you forgotten to thank him,Op?
Has the tidying up become a bigger task, more messy?
Do your children pick up after themselves?
What is he tidying up exactly, so early in the morning?
Is he feeling depressed, unappreciated?

Is he not sleeping, having financial worries, ill?
Do you ever go down and have a coffee with him and talk before the bedlam of children burst into the room?

Onceuponasunflower · 03/02/2026 07:09

What needs tidying at 5am? Doesn't the noise wake everyone up?

Creu · 03/02/2026 07:13

If this was a man posting, I think MN would rightly be calling him a lazy so and so.

Is there more to this OP? How is the rest of your labour divided?

Barrellturn · 03/02/2026 07:17

I have to get up at 5 for work and I do often do a whizz round so my DH can do school run a little more calmly. But it is a massive hassle to do this when I'm trying to get ready and into work mode. If DH suddenly 'expected' me to do it I would be very annoyed. And what is the point if it gets messy all day anyway??

If he has a full on work day and is naturally introverted then perhaps he needs the decompression time. And yes you do too but it sounds like you're in bed on your phone so it sounds about equal to me.

PhantomG · 03/02/2026 07:19

Do you work? Is he resentful that he gets up and tidies but then you're at home all day?

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 03/02/2026 07:20

If your awake lying in bed he doesnt need to come “get you” just go downstairs? I don’t really understand the difficulty?

somanychristmaslights · 03/02/2026 07:23

It could be anything. He could resentful he’s tidying whilst you’re in bed. He might feel stressed and just wants peace and quiet before a busy day. He might texting someone. Get up when he does and see how he acts, whether he wants you around.
if his dad is coming over, where will he be?

Sartre · 03/02/2026 07:23

Maybe he’s depressed or feels you don’t appreciate what he does in some way.

I am petty so will do things like quitting jobs I always do because nobody notices or appreciates it and I can’t be arsed anymore.

Original poster
RichInSpirit · 03/02/2026 07:23

Followthesunshine · 03/02/2026 07:01

If I was him I would feel resentment at the expectation - which it is clear you do expect - he should be tidying up at 5am, particularly whilst you are still in bed. Why don't you both tidy up on an evening?

I’ve suggested we tidy in the evening but he said he doesn’t want to because he just wants to sit down after dinner and putting the kids to bed and play his game.

I don’t wake to alarms, we’ve both set alarms for me and I just sleep through them. But I chronically suffer with insomnia so I’m usually awake 1am-4am, usually just falling sleep an hour or two before his alarm goes off so I think I’m just absolutely knocked out by the time the alarm goes off.

We are very even when it comes to housework usually. He tidies in the morning the mess from the night before/kids toys ect. Then I do all of the cleaning, wiping down, hoovering, I tidy the kids rooms (he’s never one tidied the kids rooms but he does the main bulk of the clothes washing), he’s never once mopped I do all the mopping. So we’re fairly even. I don’t think it’s a big ask to tidy up in the morning ready for me to look after the kids ect while he’s at work.

I think it started a while back, probably 6 months ago and is progressively worse. I think the eye opener for me was when I had flu and was bed ridden he didn’t tidy for an entire week. As in, at one point was eating off paper plates because we had no clean plates, but he said he couldn’t tidy up because he couldn’t do it on his own 😅 after that I think I’ve felt a bit resentful that I had to get up still pretty unwell but on the mend and tidy the house on my own because it was an absolute disgrace.

I want to give him a timeline, maybe a couple of months to start getting ourselves back in a place where we do help eachother, and where he does show affection back, failing that I think we need to discuss where our marriage is actually headed for. - I mentioned leaving without change a couple of years ago after a big argument and he was absolutely devastated and bewildered at my suggestion. Any suggestion of leaving he gets really upset, but still nothing seems to change all that much. I don’t want to leave, I want our marriage to work, we get along really well when both putting the effort in, but it’s so one sided now that I feel like a school girl chasing after her crush, not like an equal couple in a marriage

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 03/02/2026 07:23

Why aren't the pair of you tidying up the night before? Maybe he feels that you lie in bed and leave it all to him. I'm assuming it's all of the night before dishes etc. Has it always been the case they've been left for the morning? Maybe this is his silent protest about it.

PeterPiperuppedsticks · 03/02/2026 07:24

My mind went to it sounds like he has been doing his fair share....tidying in the morning and giving you two more hours in bed BEFORE he goes to work.

Do you also work?
Have you been thanking him for his efforts?
I was wondering if he was feeling depressed....when I am experiencing depression I find it much harder to complete daily household tasks.

Im less inclined to automatically think "affair" because it would be an odd time of day to be texting an affair partner. Of cohrse it could be, but to me, his behaviour is suggesting that he is depressed or anxious about something.

Original poster
RichInSpirit · 03/02/2026 07:26

PeterPiperuppedsticks · 03/02/2026 07:24

My mind went to it sounds like he has been doing his fair share....tidying in the morning and giving you two more hours in bed BEFORE he goes to work.

Do you also work?
Have you been thanking him for his efforts?
I was wondering if he was feeling depressed....when I am experiencing depression I find it much harder to complete daily household tasks.

Im less inclined to automatically think "affair" because it would be an odd time of day to be texting an affair partner. Of cohrse it could be, but to me, his behaviour is suggesting that he is depressed or anxious about something.

I do work, but part time due to severe burn out in my old job, my mental health hit rock bottom so I left my full time job and got a part time one. DH was supportive of that decision and we both know I’ve made progress since then, I’m in therapy now.

OP posts: