DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound quite difficult to live with. You have health issues and these still need addressing. If you are awake from 1-4am, why don’t you tidy? Or, tidy in the evening, not expect it at 5am. Can your children tidy up? A 3 year old can clear away with a parent as part of a bedtime routine. Set enough alarms so you don’t rely on your DH. If your DH wakes up at 5am then that is his time as much as it is your time to sleep in bed. I think it is unreasonable to think you can tell him what he can do at this time when you’re asleep.

I was going to suggest if you cant sleep you could maybe just tidy the kids toys and other bits you can do without disturbing the whole household .
At least it would only be the washing up left in the morning or so regardless who does it.

I agree with this. Sorry OP, cherchez la femme...

Train your children.
Turn off your phones for 2 weeks.
Eat well
Exercise

Good luck x

He sounds burnt out to me. I need some quiet time at the beginning of the day to drink tea and decompress. Why on earth should he be tidying at 5am especially while you snooze.

You are both struggling . Can you afford a cleaner?

Agreed.

He works full time and you still expect him to clean at 5am, and are now complaining that he wants to sit in peace. Entitled to the max.

@RichInSpirit, I still think that he is investing elsewhere and creating distance between you to make space for an OW who is at work or somewhere in his orbit. His sudden lack of affection/cold response to yours, recent shirking of home upkeep responsibilities, changing his grooming routine (cologne), and stonewalling you/being evasive are part of the Script. It is also very telling that you supported him abundantly with his anxiety yet he failed to reciprocate when you were ill.

Whether these behavior changes are due to a one-sided crush, a mutual flirtation, or an EA/PA remains to be seen. If a mutual situation exists, it will be conducted before, during or after the workday or during lunch. Are any of his gaming mates women?

You need answers. I would definitely check his phone.

What replies am I reading? Of course he should be up cleaning in the morning. Going to work is a break in itself when you have kids.THe should be cleaning all the time before and after work as you look after the kids in the daytime. Looking after children is the hardest work and you also have the emoitonaltoll and admin I bet. As a parent who has only ever been a lone parent I know exactly waht is involved in working as a parent, and working several jobs, and the easiest of jobs is working outside the home. You should be staying in bed of a morning and not feel an ounce of guilt for it.

It sounds like he’s lost interest in you / the relationship. If he’s having a laugh with friends and continuing to enjoy hobbies like gaming then I doubt he is depressed (I don’t know why MN jumps to this conclusion whenever a man withdraws emotionally). Forget about the tidying and get to the bottom of this, and decide if you want to waste your life with a man who has fallen out of love with you or not.

After your comment about the aftershave I would not be surprised if there is someone at work who has caught his attention, it may just be a crush from his side but is a sign he may be turning elsewhere. If you have the capacity emotionally you could demand counselling. If you don't and the kids are still fairly young, just quiet quit the marriage and see how he likes it. People saying it will be harder if she separates, don't you understand she will then have 50% of her time free while now she has NO time and a grumpy, shitty, ungrateful husband that is gaming like a teenager. He doesn't appreciate you OP. And yes it IS his job to support you physically and emotionally because he is your husband. The replies on this thread are just disgusting.

genuine question - would this be a deal breaker for you? im just asking becasue im trying to make sense of what went wrong in my relationship which I thought was very happy until I had a terrible breakdwon

I didn’t think he was cheating until you mentioned the aftershave. Though it would be an odd time to be secretly messaging someone. I’d tell him you both need to start tidying up after dinner. It’s far easier to wash pans / sort the dishwasher straight after dinner rather than in the morning. Plus nicer to sit in a tidy room once kids in bed. The kids are old enough to help with tidying the toys before they go to bed.

I get up mega early (very early today hence being online at 3am!) but I wouldn’t want to be doing any housework. I do sort out any dishes my teen DD may have left when cooking any food after i’ve gone to bed, but I just like to chill and enjoy that quiet time. Yes you’re part time, but doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do any housework, he lives in the house, shouldn’t be all down to you.

Re alarms, try one of those vibrating watches or similar. If your DH is away what to you do? Would you not hear a loud alarm the other side of the room? What if your DC wake in the night, do you not hear them?

I find this difficult to read.

Any man who rises at 05.00 is not to be trusted.

No gentleman rises before midday.

He’s also started wearing his posh man-perfume

To work? Ok. He is trying to impress a woman. (or a man) It's an affair at work. And he gets up early and sits messaging her. Sorry, but starting to wear aftershave is part of The Script.

Think he’s got a crush on someone else tbh, it may be a bit of escapism.

Honestly you need to have some boundaries in place.

If he is no longer affectionate tell him he needs to behave properly like your husband or he leaves and if his behaviour carries on you will be terminating the relationship. Advise him to have a very serious think because his behaviour is ending the marriage.

This exactly.
Sorry OP

Do you think because he supported you when your mental health wasn’t good that he now thinks you should do everything in the house because you’re ‘only’ working part time? That’s bullshit, when he’s home, he needs to contribute to caring for your shared children and household.

As for leaving dishes and toys out at night, I would suggest the two of you agree to tidy up before bed. I used to put the playroom back together once my kids where in bed every night and it makes a huge difference to your mental load to walk into a clear space in the morning. Tell him you need his help. He shouldn’t be tapping out after dinner every single night.

Thank god some more PPs have seen what @RichInSpirit's actually saying. She's not moaning about 15 mins of housework, she's distressed that her husband's withdrawn from their marriage.

He does his half of the DC bath/bed time, no other shared family responsibilities, and has no affection for her. He says he's fine and he acts normally around his friends. Listen to what she's said:-
___
He’s been very distant. I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated.

He used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand .. but it’s all gone. I always try and be playful, show him affection etc but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back.

I never get an ounce of affection or anything from him.. not even playful humour. But he still laughs with his mates on his game. It’s just me.

I feel like a school girl chasing after her crush, not like an equal couple in a marriage.

I think it started a while back, probably 6 months ago and is progressively worse. I had flu and was bed ridden ... at one point was eating off paper plates. He said he couldn’t tidy up on his own.

It’s not like he’s doing less, he’s doing nothing and then acting like he can’t possibly empty the dishwasher.

I cook dinner, play with the kids while he sits on his game, then we both put the kids to bed, he goes back to his game.

I’m quite good at communicating, but he’s so crap at it totally blocks me off. I end up going around in circles.

Would I divorce my husband for sitting on his game instead of prioritising his family, normal adult household needs and neglecting any affection or intimacy for his wife?
Yes.. probably.

He’s also started wearing his posh man-perfume ... it’s a new habit.
___
How have so many people read this and only seen 15 mins of tidying up??

OP, I'm so sorry - it looks as if he's making an effort for someone he sees while at work. It also looks like they're in touch for two hours every morning.

People can message in-game, you know. Quite a few affairs have started off this way. The chats are private, hidden, secure and can include voice. When they go to video, they can use Discord or Steam overlays.

You sound really nice (so does he, when he's not being a marriage-wrecking dickhead) and you're dealing with a lot just now. I hope you can get this sorted out but you are going to have to have some uncomfortable talks. A lunch out together might not be a bad start. Wishing you luck.

It sounds like he is rethinking his life following the health scare. Which is prime time for cologne wearing and noticing other women aka midlife crisis. If he's in therapy for the first time that can be unsettling to a person also. You don't say what his job is only that it's dirty. That kind of thing can wear on a person also.

I wouldn't blame a person wanting quiet time in the morning. He could also sleep longer but is choosing to have his time alone (I would hope he isn't wasting it gaming). Even when all is well, I wouldn't especially want my spouse to join me at that time! But the jobs being described sound like they'd take 20 mins or so. He's clearly (or not so clearly) communicating something in his not doing these, and refusing to acknowledge any changes.

In the first instance OP, if it's that important to you I would do the tidy before bed, so you are starting your day the way you want to.

Secondly, check out the work of the Gottmans, relationship researchers and therapists. Try an informed approach - you can't strong arm someone into showing you love (and I don't think this is what you want, your comment about feeling like a girl chasing your crush sounded so painful). Yes you can end the marriage if it's making you unhappy but understandably you don't want that to be your first port of call.

People have given you an unfair time here. He's not communicating with you and you're not a mind reader.

I'm not saying he's cheating, but I am saying that if he wanted to, he easily could. He'd just take days off from work, or he'd get a half-day room at lunchtime and take a long lunch. There are two websites now, dayuse dot com and hotelsbyday dot com, that offer a few hours in the day at all the major hotel chains. It would be the easiest thing in the world to book one of those, finish work a couple of hours early claiming an appt, go at lunchtime, etc. Definitely not saying he's cheating, but I think you're naive to think he wouldn't find a way.

It could be anything, though. But if he won't tell you, that's very hard. I had a marriage where my husband was very clearly frequently upset with me and refused, on pain of death, to tell me what was wrong. So I've been there. I would force the issue, if I were you. I wish I had. He is not being fair.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions. There are lots of things it could be. Could be a dip in his mental health, could be a physical thing causing a lack of energy, like low testosterone. Could be that he's just really fed up with early morning tidying. And yes, it could be an affair.

I would have it out with him - although you don't need to mention an affair, I think. But tell him that you've noticed what you've noticed, and that it's unfair on you, and that if he can't tell you what's wrong then you will assume he simply no longer feels the same way and that you will start to consider your options.

One thing I do know is that when men pull this shit, you have to be ready to end the relationship. It's the only way you can leverage any power.

You have my sympathies. Shit like this is why I'll never marry or cohabit again. It gives the other person way too much control over your wellbeing.

You let that man know that you can, and will, thrive without him. 😡

Me too, I certainly wouldb't be getting up to tidy up regularly while my other half was in bed.

Then why can't be use his words like an adult?

There's a lot to unpick here.

Mopping and hoovering daily. Keeping the house tidy all day. Can you lower your standards, OP? You have young kids! Sweep the floor (unless it's genuinely in need of the full mop and bucket routine). Get rid of the shows-every-speck rug and replace it with an IKEA cheapie, at least until the kids become vaguely human.
Introduce tidy-up-time to the kids. Future you (and kids'± teachers) will be grateful.

Tidy up the kitchen together in the evening. It doesn't take long and will make a huge difference to how you feel in the morning.

Has he checked out? You need a proper chat with him. Go out together, or book a couple of sessions with a counsellor. He may be an introvert but that doesn't mean he can't discuss the situation with you. But you must be prepared to hear things you don't like, either some home truths or worse.

Always better to tidy up once the kids have gone to bed at night so you wake up to a clean home to start fresh the next day. Shouldn’t take ages to tidy a few toys before bed time if you are keeping things tidy all day. And wiping down kitchen counters is a 10 min job at best. Again easily accomplished at night before bed. I would hate to get up in the morning and have to tidy instead of having a slow morning with a cup of coffee/tea etc. Does he feel you let the place get too messy and don’t pick up after the kids?! Could that be the reason he doesn’t want to tidy after work as he feels you should be able to sort messes as they happen so nothing much is left at the end of the day. I have a friend whose house would look an absolute state by evening as she never sorted things out as they happened. Eg. Kid needs diaper change, she would change it and then just leave the change mat and things out as it might be required again. Dirty diaper would be bagged but also lying around and not disposed. Kids spilled juice she will throw some tissues on it but not actually clean it but leave for later. Start baking and then get sidetracked by something else. Whole kitchen a mess with flour everywhere! 😅 She would not tell the kids to keep one thing away before pulling out the next. So multiple jigsaw puzzles all over the floor. I used to find it stressful just visiting. Would have hated to come home to that daily.