DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

Well I don't think he sounds that much help tbh - he gets up in the morning, spends 2 hours on the sofa with his coffee and his phone. Gets home from work before the OP and spends the time gaming, and prefers to spend the evenings gaming too.

Given the OP is spending all morning with the DC and does a fair amount of housework then, goes to work bringing the DC home with her and then cooks dinner and suffers horrible insomnia, I think it's unreasonable to ask her to get up with him at 5 (especially since he doesn't really want to tidy at that time).

I'd say the solution is for him to do some tidying when he gets home and start prepping dinner.

It all sounds a bit odd and intense I have to say - you apparently need waking up like a teenager but on days you are awake (like this morning) you lie in bed and try and catch him out rather than just getting up and getting on with things.

He does housework at 5am even though he works full time and you only do a few hours at after school club.

Maybe he’s feeling a bit resentful.

@RichInSpirit you said this morning you don't think he has the time or energy to cheat but you're now implying he might be.

You lying in bed resenting him for not coming to wake you up, when you're already awake and could go down of your own accord, doesn't indicate good communication.

The only choices are to resolve it by talking together, get counselling, or separate. Or put up with the status quo.

He appears to have checked out of the relationship. Cherchez la femme.

I wonder how common this is? I didnt grow up in environment where people would thank each other for thing like washing up so it feels weird to me but undrestand it will create different athmosphere in the home and between the couple.

How have so many people on this thread missed the OP saying that when she was sick he did no housework, to the point where they were eating dinner off paper plates? The problem clearly isn’t with her, it’s with her husband.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about his mood, his life, whether he’s happy. These aren’t the actions of a normal, loving and engaged partner who is in a good place.

Yes, it does.
We had a bit rough start to living together (massive age difference, different countries, both dominant personalities), but over 20 years we worked it out.
Marriage is mostly a huge, practical situation two people work on. 😁

It's not been missed, I just think it's probably part of a bigger picture where he resents OP working part-time and where he has to work around her health issues a lot.

I'm not saying it's okay, but it reads to me like he resents her a bit.

It is being called being realistic and make your priorities - having a full-time physical (?) job, looking after two small kids and a sick person does take a toll. Taking ad hoc time off while being the sole earner might also not be a lot of fun and contributes to stress. There might just not be enough energy left for anything else to do in the house.

Yes, exactly. It reads like he's doing a lot of caring for other people (waking OP up, getting up at 5am to clean, taking on the role of sole wage earner because she burnt out) but nobody is really looking after him.

I also think he's using those 2hrs for nefarious stuff. Start getting up at 5am when he does, and gauge his reaction. If he's at all uncomfortable and/or irritated there's definitely something going on.
Good luck, I hope it's just a phase

I think if they both agree its ok to do at 5am, than it is.

I asked this question before, but I don't see the answer. How many hours do you work each week? You've said you work part time in the afternoons. But is that 5 hours or 25 hours per week? It makes a difference.

Also, you said your son is home with you 3 days a week. Does that mean he's at nursery 2 days a week? Surely that gives you a considerable amount of free time. Unless you live in an enormous house, cleaning shouldn't take much time at all.

TBH I am of the opinion that if one partner chooses the SAH role, they should be responsible for the majority of the housework. TBF you do seem to do most of it. But you've also said your DH does the household laundry, and that you can't fault him in terms of looking after the children. Why is it so important that he also tidies up in the morning?

If he's working a full-time job, coping with anxiety (and possibly depression), dealing with the stress of being the primary breadwinner, etc. I don't really see why you have chosen to focus on this seemingly tiny issue. If you don't mind tidying up with him in the mornings, then you need to work out how to make that happen. It isn't his job to wake you up, seriously.

I work full time and always have. I love to get up early and have my first cup of tea alone, when everyone else in the house (including the dog) is still asleep. If my DH expressed dissatisfaction about that or asked me to do housework during that time, I would not be best pleased (to put it mildly).

But it isn't because he's not doing it. That's why she made the OP?

@Forthwith81 I’m not sure how many hours, but it sounds like two afternoons a week because OP said:

my 3yo is home with me 3 days a week because I don’t work enough to claim 30 hours childcare.

Can you find a different full-time job, OP? One that won’t cause you to stress and burnout? Or at least one with more hours? It seems pretty clear that he’s resentful about you dropping down to two afternoons a week without rebalancing the domestic load more. You also seem dissatisfied and unhappy with the current setup. I think finding a different, more fulfilling job would actually help you a lot.

I understand this.
My mum always said thank you to my step-dad for small things (not that he did much!) and he never said thank you, even for really big things!
So it was very important to me that DP thanked me (and I him). He thought it was a bit mad at first, but got used to it and when our daughter was born, I think it really saved our relationship. It does look a bit mad from the outside but just a quick "Thanks for doing the dishes." on a day when it all feels too much can really be a lifeline.

Probably missing the point, but surely this sort of thing would be easiest done while cooking dinner? Stack the dishwasher as you go, plates straight in, on overnight and unload in the morning...ready to be filled again as the day goes on. I couldn't go to bed leaving it all there.

I thought maybe he was burnt out but then you mentioned started wearing expensive cologne even though his job is manual.

I think head turned.

Unpleasant to see people commiserating with the OP when they tell of their mental health concerns whilst simultaneously barracking a man who is displaying classic symptoms of stress/depression.

OP is not being supportive by overlooking this. Do better.

When he’s been open about his anxieties and went through a particularly anxious period, I helped him as much as I could, I made his life as stress free as possible, helped him book GP appointments, helped him find out how self refer himself to therapy, helped him fill in questionnaires ect. We sat down together and looked into his options, researched different types of anti-depressants incase he wanted it the them ect. I couldn’t have been more supportive. He has told me directly that he is not currently depressed or anxious; he could be fibbing.. but I don’t know why he would. But he’s telling me there is nothing wrong. I can’t help him if he can’t be honest with me. I still need help with our children and our house if he’s claiming he’s fine to do it and there isn’t an excuse not to.

What does/would he say if you said "you say there's nothing wrong but I've noticed these things and it's making me feel __"

I do exactly this, all the time. I say “you keep telling me your fine and there nothing wrong but you seem really different, you don’t seem happy?” And he just says maybe he’s just tired or maybe he’s just had a long day at work. But it’s every day. I never get an ounce of affection or anything from him.. not even playful humour. But he still laughs with his mates on his game. It’s just me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then I would probably start getting really frustrated, tbh!

Then I apologise for going in hard on you. I think there's more could be done. If he won't respond to you is there a member of the family or a close friend who can try to find a way in?

The post isnt about whether its ok to do the washing up at 5am.
Its about a husband that stopped doing the dishes, tidying up and engaging with his wife. While saying he is fine.