DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

My partner gets up at 5 to leave for work and if I expected him to tidy the house by himself before he left I think he’d tell me to get fucked 😂 we tidy together of an evening, is that not an option in your house? Share the burden.

You’re sat in your bed waiting for him to come and get you and for all you know he’s sat downstairs waiting to see if you’ll actually get up to help him.

Same. Why does he have to come wake you up?

@RichInSpirit
Ah okay. It sounds like he is quite caring then. Perhaps it has been his way of supporting you through this difficult time but now he is feeling a bit burnt out himself? X

Best approach with dinner plates is tidy as you go - don't leave until the following morning. I wouldn't be happy waking up to that!

There are two separate issues, the housework and the changes in him/withdrawing of affection. Regarding housework, how much cleaning and tidying can any home need? Even with children, is it really so bad that someone has to get up early and go downstairs to tidy up before the day can really begin. Then daily wiping down, hoovering, cleaning rooms etc, it just sounds way too much. Perhaps you both have unrealistic expectations on how a home needs to look. How old are DC? They should be capable of putting their toys away. Not sure about his change in behaviour, although sadly on MN it does often appear to be sign of a head turned. I hope not in your case.

I don’t wake up to alarms, we’ve both set them and I sleep through them terrible. He suggests he’ll wake me, I agree as I actually don’t mind getting up.. I did say I’d like the quiet in the morning with him before the kids get up too as it’s probably the only bit of time we would get together peacefully - he agrees but then doesn’t actually wake me. So I often end up coming down as he’s leaving for work and it all being left to me.

I feel like I definitely do my fair share, and asking him to just tidy up downstairs (not the whole house, just kids toys away and clutter off the kitchen/table) so I can get up, hoover and mop and then just pick up after me and the kids throughout the day. It’s not a huge ask, and I would happily help him.. if he wakes me. I’m not saying he has to do it alone, but I would like it done before he goes whether it’s done together or not, I just feel it’s a bit unfair to sit downstairs for 2 hours doing nothing then go to work and leave me to pick up everything and get the kids sorted 😅

They can also be connected. Resentment kills affection.

You don’t have to go straight into “I’m leaving” mode. But you need to sit down and have an honest conversation as you’re not happy with the lack of affection etc.

How many days and hours per week do you work? If your husband works full-time and you work only one or two days a week, I can understand he would expect you to do the bulk of the housework. How much help was he when you worked full-time?

If this is quite recent I would definitely worry something else is going on. The update about his behaviour when you had flu is pretty shocking- not sure i could get passed that. Can you organise a babysitter or get the kids to bed one night soon and have an honest conversation about what is going on?

I think you need to sort your insomnia. Awake 1-4? That’s not normal and sounds like the source of everything else

He recently had a bit of a worry over his health after some tests at the GP, it did affect him quite a bit and his mind was elsewhere, but I was as supportive as possible, recognised the signs that he had anxiety and was having panic attacks, helped him get help and he’s much better now. I do often ask how he is feeling and we both acknowledge that life is just stressful sometimes. I try and pick up the load when he’s particularly stressed.. but he claims he’s fine at the moment and tells me nothing is wrong.

I don’t expect him to do everything or do everything on his own, but his effort has completely disappeared. It’s not like he’s doing less, he’s doing nothing and then acting like he can’t possibly empty the dishwasher because there’s two kids on the sofa watching telly or playing in the living room. - it just makes me think how does he think I manage all day to keep it tidy. If I can do it on my own with two kids home, he can at least do some while they’re not awake, either with my help or without it. 😣

He is picking up a few toys not sacrificing himself on an alter can we raise the bar people please?

You do the cleaning the childcare all the tidying upstairs you work yes its part time now but full time burnt you out (did he do more than a quick tidy up when you worked full time?) You also have insomnia and people are calling you lazy? It's his choice not to tidy at night so he can game its only fair he does it in the morning

This

He sounds depressed, or burnt out. He gets up at 5, he tidies up, he goes to work, same thing day after day. How old are your DCs? What time do they go to bed? One of you put the toys away while the other is putting them to bed. Nothing worse than sitting in a mess on an evening trying to relax.

When I worked PT when the kids were little I did near enough everything because I had the extra time. I think this is your problem, he may have been ok you working part time to begin with but why should he do full time and be expected to do half the chores.

I honestly don’t think he’s got the energy to cheat, he’s never got the time. He literally goes to work, comes home. He doesn’t really go out socially other than a couple times a year with old friends, or we get together my family for games nights, outings occasionally. We’re part of the same friendship group and is how we met - he’s very much very introverted and I know it makes me sounds really naive but I just can’t see how he would cheat, I think he’s more the type to just be unhappy and drag me down with him but stay because he doesn’t want to have to not see his kids everyday.

Surely you both tidy up as you go along if you want an easy life.
The whole setup sounds very disorganised.
Nobody in their right mind would cheerfully tidy up at 5AM before going to work. He's probably fed up with this chore. Get him to do it in the evening.
The thing is, it looks like your sleeping patterns are very different. He is up early and leaves the bed asap so you can get some sleep because you've been up with insomnia between 1-4AM. This should be your priority OP: your health, what is going on there? It doesn't sound good.
Tidying up and insisting on attention from someone who is not emotionally expressive, will have to wait for a re-strategy. The guy is probably fed up of forcing himself to be cuddly for years when it's not his personality to do so. And probably fed up of the fucking never ending tidy up. What goes on in that house during the day that it requires some major tidy up every evening?

This - I would be downstairs in my dressing gown saying you wasted 10 hours over the last week in the mornings scrolling on your phone - so are you addicted to your phone, is it porn or are you messaging someone- it doesn’t actually matter as unless you get off your arse and do something for two hours a day - I’m walking and you will be looking after the children on your own!

You’re right, there is nothing worse than sitting in mess. I tidy up all day every day while I’m at home. Then I go to work in the afternoon, come home, he’s already home, I cook dinner, play with the kids while he sits on his game, then we both out the kids to bed, he goes back to him game and I either have to tidy up on my own, again.. or hope he does his bit in the morning. Either way, I lose. I’m cleaning the mess in my own in every situation recently,

Has everyone missed the fact that she had flu for a week and he did nothing? Honestly the way the handmaidens on here scramble to make everything womens fault is really annoying.

Op it honestly might be an affair but whatever the case you need to talk to him again. You need to ask him what is wrong and tell him what the situation is from your point of view, trying very hard not to make it sound like a complaint about withdrawal of service but an observation of a situation that can't carry on and you need to change together. Maybe he doesn't have to tidy at 5am but you need to come to an arrangement together.

This changed my response a bit. Do you know how exhausting it is to get an actual adult up?? And how frustrating. If he wasn’t there - how would you do it?

From the age of 11 I refused to get my children up and they have to get up themselves

have you always slept through alarms?
are you exhausted?

and depending on ages of the kids they need to to be taught to tidy as they go. They can help set the table and clear it and load and unload a dishwasher, mine did it from aged 7.

Insomnia is part of my anxiety I think, I have had several visit to the GP recently, have had blood tests and other than pretty anaemic everything else is fine. My anxiety still isn’t as controlled as we’d like but I’m in therapy for it which has helped. I think the situation with DH obviously hasn’t helped my mood.

I would be concerned about depression, especially since he was unable to help when you were ill. Does he still help with the children in the evening?

I am currently in the process of trying to get DC to tidy up as they go along, trying to get them to put stuff away before getting the next toy out.. which is hard for DS because he plays with all of his figures all at once and incorporates all of his toys into the same game so it’s really hard to police that for him 🤣 DD can generally be pretty good, she mostly dresses up, but throws the mightiest of tantrums when asked to tidy up. It’s a work in progress. DD has just turned 6 and DS is 3.

You need to sort out your insomnia. Melatonin, Benadryl, other Rx, meditation, sleep clinic….. whatever. But you cannot function as a working mother in the long term without addressing this.

Secondly, what about all this tidying… Stack the dishwasher, wipe the worktop, throw any remaining toys in a bin/hamper/appropriate receptacle…… before bed - done and dusted.

How old are the children? How many hours/days do you work? What’s your plan to get back to full time work? Maybe your husband is simply fed up of carrying the majority of the financial load?

NB: read your OP again. You sound very passive. Changing that mindset might be a good starting point…