DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

She still IS doing the bulk of the housework!

He's not cleaning bathrooms and hoovering before work, is he?

This was immediately my first thought too.

Staying up later and getting up earlier was exactly when an ex bf of mine back in the day was messaging the “Friend-I-Had-No-Reason-To-Worry-About”.

Coupled with the stresses and strains of young children, resentments around work, housework and childcare, it’s got all the ingredients for an affair to start. He’s even got the “I get up early and do x,y and z and she doesn’t appreciate anything I do” line that some ‘other women’ buy into.

OP- get out of bed, go downstairs, see for yourself what’s going on, and if he’s just pointlessly scrolling away the way you think then he can put his phone down and you can tidy and clean together. Or even just spend some time together and reconnect before the children wake up. At the end of the day he’s checking out of your marriage; you can feel it and that’s why you’ve posted. You need to figure out why and what’s going on, otherwise it’s like ignoring an engine warning light.

Half the chores??

He does a bit of tidying up!

She does everything else!

He gets up at 5am from choice.

How much does your partner do?

How much mess can there possibly be?! No one needs to hoover and mop every day and no rug needs hoovering multiple times a day (get rid of the rug?!)

This all feels a bit mountains from molehills and unnecessary.

Why do you mention childcare in the holidays- if you're not working then it's not issue to have the dc is it?

You're working minimal hours but complaining your ft working partner doesn't clean up from 5-7am and wake you.

Dinner could be prepped/planned before you leave for work?

Unable?

Or unwilling and too bloody lazy!

Dear God. The 1950s are thataway <<<<<

I think I would insist that you both do it together after the children have gone to bed, you say it takes 15-20 minutes in the morning so should only take you both ten each. If he says he'll do it on the morning, just say but you don't anymore.

Yes, He could do that in the mornings

What do you think is an acceptable level of input from husbands?

The week whilst you had flu does sound ridiculous however if all he had capacity for was keeping the kids fed / washed / entertained and and doing the school run then that’s all he had capacity for. You’re holding onto resentment from this when it’s happened. Ofc it’s annoying but I also would struggle working full time and looking after 3 people when I got home.

Bet you'd manage to fill and empty a dishwasher

Where have all these lazy men apologists come from?

How's he going to cope if they split up?

my time is spent tidying up what mess there is that day, and then doing whatever I need/want to. The mess is made in the evening while DH is home, after I’ve made sure it’s remained tidy for the majority of the day.

Come again?

How much tidying is there to do?

What things do you ‘need/want’ (!) to do to stop you from keeping this show on the road?

What on earth is actually going on here?

One of your children is at school. You only work part time (IIRC…). So why is tidying up such a huge issue?

My mind truly boggles…

Tell him to stop telling you nothing is wrong when his behaviour is telling you something is wrong.
List all the changes and tell him you can't help him if he won't talk to you. That you want to support him like he's supported you but if he won't let that happen and keeps telling you nothing is wrong and he's fine then you can't just live with this new version of him and you arent willing to play guess what with someone who denies the reality you are seeing every day.

less wordy, obviously. .

Obviously we don't know the whole story and the other party's perspective but I think he is fed up with you and your whining. You do sound like a whiner. How are your finances? And why do you hoover twice a day? Why all this focus on cleaning? Sort out your health first, treat your anaemia, eat more iron-rich food. Are you ever happy or always this gloomy mood-killer? Finally, I don't know anybody who would be happy to clean the kitchen at 5am. When I come downstairs in the evening, having put both kids to sleep, my DH usually has already cleaned up the dishes, so I just finish it and wipe the counters. Hoover maybe twice a week and if kids make a mess under the table I just wipe it wet. Making a big deal out of cleaning and threatening to end marriage because of this - it would never occur to me. There are more important things in life.

He is not threatening to leave you if you don’t change. And with all due respect in his shoes I would be setting boundaries because it sounds like a draining life for him.

I wonder if got depressed and is either ashamed about it or cant recognize it. I would say its fairly typical of men to downplay such situation.

Not tidying whole week incl. not doing the dishes while you were sick in bed, thats really bad, and would fit in the depression scenario.

He sounds really depressed. I'd say that is far more likely, given everything, than an affair. Go find out why.

Wow, so many PPs defending a man who didn’t wash up for a week while his wife was ill so they had to use paper plates!

Jesus. It isn’t asking that much of a man to tidy a few toys, is it? Sounds like he’s choosing to get up at 5am.

Should I write a thank you note every time DP washes up 😂

ETA: blimey, the PPs piling in saying any man would be sick of OP’s “whining” is brutal 😂 How dare she have anxiety? Yet him not doing anything round the house is fine as he’s “depressed”.

You haven't responded to the first point in the quote from @livingthenotebook.

My thought from this was also depression. But you immediately jumped to how you're feeling.

I stop interacting with others, stop doing things, when depressed. I also don't talk about it. I completely internalise it.

You mentioned burn out for yourself. Maybe he is there. And on this occasion, you need to be there for him, the way he has been there for you.

He didn't leave you when you broke. He helped build you back up. Your turn now. Let him have his 2 hours on the sofa if he needs it. Get him a cup of tea.

I’ve mentioned previously he’s been though a patch of anxiety, I very often ask him how he’s feeling and he says he fine. He’s usually quite open about being stressed, feeling down ect. So I don’t think he would avoid telling me if he did feel depressed. We’re quite an open family when it comes to mental health

He gets up at 5am to tidy? WTH. Why don't you both just spend half an hour after the kids are in bed then no one has to get up at such a ridiculous hour. Bonkers.

I would probably be concerned if my DH suddenly wasn't managing. Obviously, getting to the point where you're eating off paper plates is a bit ridiculous, but you sound like you have a supportive relationship and a system that used to work for you.

I would try a calm, genuinely curious discussion again, see what's going on in his head. Try to have a discussion without an argument or it turning into tit for tat, but I do all this, what are you doing? Hopefully if you're both reasonable, you can work out how to keep your lives running in a way that works for you both, but you might need a (blame-free!) chat about how you're both feeling first, to dissipate any resentment.

My husband has said that he's noticed I stop doing much round the house when my mental health dips, maybe that's your DH?

Lots of people seem to think OP is expecting him to do the tidy up. I think it was his idea /his habit to do so as he doesnt want to do it in the evening.

Obviously once he stops doing it, its a problem of not having a tidy place to start the day. OP does sleeps through the alarms, hence asking him to wake her up. She doesnt even want him to do it alone, they do share housework on the whole.

People are really offended here that a man has had to help out with some tidying. Desperate to make it ops fault that he is having some sort of breakdown. It’s ok for two people living together to share tidying. If there were no kids in the house people would probably think it odd he can’t tidy up some of his own mess but because there are kids it suddenly becomes entirely the woman’s responsibility.

I would just tidy at night OP, I wouldn't be following the kids round putting things away, wiping, hoovering, doing dishes throughout the day. You'll be endlessly tidying all day. Best to do it all in one, why would you hoover twice a day? Your house will be a bit grubby and messy during the day with little kids at home. As long as it gets cleared up regularly, what is the issue? Maybe your husband needs a rest?

"I think it started a while back, probably 6 months ago and is progressively worse. I think the eye opener for me was when I had flu and was bed ridden he didn’t tidy for an entire week. As in, at one point was eating off paper plates because we had no clean plates, but he said he couldn’t tidy up because he couldn’t do it on his own 😅 after that I think I’ve felt a bit resentful that I had to get up still pretty unwell but on the mend and tidy the house on my own because it was an absolute disgrace."

Excuse me? What? He didn't even wash up for a fucking WEEK?! what a disgusting, useless pig.

Thank you, I feel like this bit is being ignored a bit 🤣 I haven’t told him he has to tidy up at 5am, I’ve asked him to wake me up, but he doesn’t, so instead of me getting up at 5am with him and us tidying together, as a team, he wakes me up right before he leaves and lets me do it alone. That’s my issue.

Is this a normal thing that dhs/ohs spend all their spare time playing on games? I think that sounds awful.

I know a relation of mine does. He doesn't help around the house either. He even bans the dcs from the living room sometimes if he's playing. They have to go in the kitchen or their bedrooms. It's an addiction and unhealthy imo.