DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

maybe he is the one who is now burnt out?

I was thinking that too.

I was wondering that too - he’s supported OP while she drops her hours and struggles with insomnia but who’s supporting him?

What's this game he's playing? Is he addicted to it? Maybe he's engrossed in that of a morning and 'forgetting' to tidy.

Quite honestly I'd not tidy so much this morning and leave him a mess to come home to. If he wants it tidy for his dad to visit, let him do it. If he questions you, tell him that just like him, you 'didn't have time'. I know that's petty, but he's taking you for granted. I'm not sure what's going on with the lack of affection, but I think you need to have a sit down with him and explain you don't want to live in a marriage with no affection and ask whether it's something he can improve, maybe with counselling, to save the marriage.

I’m feeling sorry for your husband here OP, it sounds so unreasonable to be nagging him about tidying up at 5am which you said yourself it only takes 15 to 20 minutes, you’re home every morning so why don’t you tidy up then, after one child has gone to school.
I would re assess your routine and also consider your husbands mental health too, obviously the focus has been on you, but it sounds as if he may be struggling too, men are not so open as women with mental health struggles.
Not everyone is a cuddly huggy person, it doesn’t mean lack of love it’s just the way some people are.

So he’s downstairs doing “something” which is clearly wrong because well, he’s a bloke… but the op lying in bed seething because he’s not come in to wake her is
of course virtuous (and not on her phone up to high jinks while pretending to be asleep..)

I know right! This is what jumped out at me. It sounds like he just gave up and then left a world of mess for his sick and then recovering wife to deal with. He couldn’t even be bothered doing the washing up. Part of the problem is it being regarded as him “helping”. It’s not. He lives there, eats there, they are his children etc. The flu story and not going stuff at night so he can game makes him sound like a bit of a man child to me. The 5am thing sounds like avoidance

I would be thinking that he sounds like could be struggling mentally and a doctors visit should be encouraged.

at one point was eating off paper plates because we had no clean plates, but he said he couldn’t tidy up because he couldn’t do it on his own 😅

I can't get past this. What? Why can he not tidy on his own? Does he realise what he's saying?

OMG some of the comments.

OP was ill in bed with flu and her husband did nothing. They were eating off paper plates because he couldn't even be arsed to wash up, when his wife was bedridden.

He doesn't sound like he actually likes or cares about you very much, OP. I would be setting out some expectations now - as you say, maybe you give him a couple of months to pull himself together.

Having said that, you do need to deal with your insomnia and oversleeping as it sounds like it's become the norm for you both and honestly an adult should be able to wake up with the help of an alarm. Find one that is very loud and place it on the other side of the room. GP in the first instance for the insomnia, but there's lots of potential help available.

Maybe you can tell your husband that you both need to make some changes, and commit to them. Yours is getting yourself up in the morning. His is to contribute to family life and make an effort with your relationship. If one or both of you can't make these changes, then maybe you're just not compatible.

Do not tell him you appreciate him tidying up the home he lives in.
Especially if it's children's stuff. They are also his kids.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and to tell you what's wrong with him. He either needs some sort of help or he wants out.

This is my thoughts too.
My head went straight to dating sites .

If you did split up, how will you get the children to school/nursery on time if you can't wake up to an alarm?

Just seen the post about him not doing anything for axweek while op was ill. What kind of lazy cunt does that? With kids in the house too. He's obviously checked out.

Has your sex life dwindled?
Just a theory, hope I'm wrong, but all that 'help' might have been a nice-guy thing where sex was kinda- expected. If not, then the activity stops.

This. He sounds resentful, like he's making some sort of stand, hence the long coffee mornings on the sofa without lifting a finger to tidy, when he used to. So he's sending a clear message. Would be great if he just actually spoke up, but hey ho. I hate these cryptic games people play.

You say you gave up full time work for part time, and I bet he's feeling put out.

It isn't necessarily always about another woman.

So you a 6 year old in school and a 3 year old probably in pre school and you don’t work mornings? What the hell are you doing with your time if DH is going all
the washing etc?
even if 3 year old is home, she’s old enough to to self play while you clean.
why aren’t you prepping dinner in the morning?
sounds like you need to self reflect and reorganise your life.

I think neither of you are being unreasonable. You have insomnia / anxiety and are working pt whilst looking after a 3 year old, he’s been supporting you through this as well as working full time. The division of Labour is different in every household but it needs to feel fair to both parties. I do agree that he may be burnt out too + him getting up at 5 includes I presume includes a shower / getting dressed / making himself breakfast / sorting out his lunch for the day too? So it’s not like he has 2 hours of time to do the general tidy - but certainly something has changed to the point and think it is reasonable to explore why.

The week whilst you had flu does sound ridiculous however if all he had capacity for was keeping the kids fed / washed / entertained and and doing the school run then that’s all he had capacity for. You’re holding onto resentment from this when it’s happened. Ofc it’s annoying but I also would struggle working full time and looking after 3 people when I got home.

You say it only takes 15 mins to do the general clean up but then you also say you refuse to do it because he wants to play his game in the evening. If it’s bothering you so much just do it in the evening the night before and then ask him to wake you up so you can both enjoy some child free time in the morning. It’s makes it difficult when one partner is keeping score of everything the other does. If you really feel things are not balanced then don’t agree to do all the cooking because you’re the better cook - things need to change in a way that you both feel is fair - remembering that what feels fair isn’t always equal. It would be interesting to know how the division of Labour was split when you both worked full time?

I appreciate there’s been a change that feels quite big for you over the last 6 months and if you’re in therapy then I suggest that’s a good place to address this and how it’s been making you feel especially as it seems linked to you feeling like he’s withdrawing from you.

As an aside could you afford a robot vacuum / mop? My friend swears by it - got it on a Black Friday deal and has revolutionised her life. This could be a game changer as you then wouldn't be so bothered about the 15 -20 mins general tidy if you knew the hoovering / mopping woudl be done for you.

As others have said can you focus on connection and get a baby sitter or even 1-2 hours alone where you can enjoy each others time. I always find when me and my DH do this we work better as a team. You’re both going through challenging times and having 2 young kids is hard so both need to give each other grace.

I’d get your anxiety and insomnia sorted out, preferably with the doctor. Lack of sleep is awful and probably is why you’re tired if you are during the day.

Also, what about a date night? Either at home or go out? He may want some time alone with you as a couple.

my 3yo is home with me 3 days a week because I don’t work enough to claim 30 hours childcare.

during school holidays I have no childcare at all for both of them.

my time is spent tidying up what mess there is that day, and then doing whatever I need/want to. The mess is made in the evening while DH is home, after I’ve made sure it’s remained tidy for the majority of the day.

Could you alternate between you tidying the night before and him tidying in the morning?

I think lots of problems are being created here, unnecessary ones.

I'm sorry - Thanking him?
For doing normal family stuff?

Do you think he thanks the OP?

@RichInSpirit I would be curious as to who he might be texting

I think you need a talk sooner rather than later

Maybe it was his idea to do it at that time?

My DH has always got up before me so he empties the dishwasher and potters around the kitchen before I get up

It does sound like your DH needs to step up and do his bit. But I wonder if you need to rearrange your whole routine? Trying to keep the house tidy all day with a 3 year old in the house sounds like an impossible and pointless task. Could you accept that there will be mess, which is normal with small DC, and do one big tidy at the end of the day? You could make it part of DC's bedtime routine, and all tidy their toys together before bed. Adults then finish the tidying before having some down time in the evening. I wonder if part of your burn out is holding yourself to impossible standards?