DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

Right, so what’s the difference between you lying in sleeping while he sits down stairs quietly?

Oh that really is there…. I thought had imagined it in my sleep deprived haze!

Well......he's doing something other than "helping his wife clear up"

I'm not sure why he's not "clearing up" rather than "helping his wife to clear up".......

@RichInSpirit you need to reframe your views imo.

And if I were you I'd check his phone and laptop

<cue pearl clutching>

If its just kids toys and clearing the kitchen table, why not do it the evening before? Takes 5 minutes! If he's getting up at 5am and sat on the sofa for 2 hours, is he on his phone? Is he messaging someone? I would be concerned that the lack of affection and distance means he's had his head turned.

It does seem odd that this is fairly recent behaviour, seeing as he was happy to pick up a few toys and load the dishwasher or whatever before. The way he behaved when you had flu is really odd!
I’d be sitting him down and having a very direct conversation with him.

My husband has anxiety. He gets overwhelmed easily and, harsh as this sounds, when he does he is useless. My life becomes worse because he will not
do basic things that then land on my plate because they are things that need to be done. He will doomscroll on his phone for hours. I will tell him he needs to get up and help, and that the relationship does not work when he acts like this. Lo and behold he helps, and also seeks help.

You said your husband has anxiety, the sitting on the couch for hours and getting overwhelmed with tidying tracks. It seems you are happy when he helps with your overwhelm - supporting you go part time, waking you up, but where is his support? I would get overwhelmed waking up to a heap Im expected to clean at 5am too.

I find it unbelievably childish that you were awake but chose to sit and stew rather than just get up and say ‘right, lets get tidying’ and use the opportunity to chat.

there is something dysfunctional about the communication both ways here. Im not sure why jumping to threatening to leave is the answer either.

This is what I was thinking! Flip it.. "my wife no longer gets up early to clean the house before I get up and I'm pissed about it... "

Then you drop something, and you both go to pick it up, and you bump into each other, and laugh, and say it is fine, and have a coffee, and all the years, all the decades, go past and you are no longer grieving over your little dog.

He's only getting '2 hours to himself' because he gets out of bed for them.

You're getting the same 2 hours to yourself by being asleep....

Resenting waking up straight into the go go go is ridiculous because anyone with children is only going to get time to gather their thoughts if they wake up extremely early ahead of the kids. That's not your dh fault at all. That's just the maths of the timings.

I would reset your timetable and create a rule that you only end the day with a tidy and clean house. DH needs to stop gaming for a bit in the evening while you reset the house together. It's really odd to me to go to bed on the mess, baking in resentment and jobs to wake up to. We don't go to bed before downstairs is sorted, dishwasher on, washing machine on, surface clear, blankets and cushions tidy etc. It doesn't take long.

It does also sound like there's a lot of tidying, hoovering and mopping and that your standards are unusually high. Most people don't hoover and mop every day and multiple times a day....

The affection and withdrawal sounds upsetting but it also sounds like you've both been unwell and struggling with your mental health and it does sound as though DH has had to take on a carer role for you. Things like being expected to wake you up and accommodate your insomnia, along with you changing jobs and hours, make the relationship/the burden of ill health unequal. Further resenting dh for having some quiet time before the kids wake up seems a bit harsh. He will be be feeling that resentment.

If you split up, how are you going to wake up every morning if alarms don’t work? It doesn’t sound like you would cope splitting up.

why don’t you get a cleaner / increase work hours to fund it?

Honestly I’d be resentful working full time then getting up early and cleaning up before work.

You both sound fed up tbh.

Low iron can cause insomnia. Get your anaemia sorted out ASAP and see if things change. You don’t need a prescription, you can get iron tablets at the chemist today. Chewable ones are better for digestion.

I’d relax a bit with the cleaning/tidying for one. No one needs to hoover every day, the house won’t fall down if you do it every week two/three days.
if you really don’t think he’s cheating, or gambling (and I too wonder what he’s doing on his phone for hours), then is he ill/depressed, or maybe pissed off and under pressure. Things have changed recently, he is less engaged, less helpful, maybe the hum-drum same-ness and drudgery of life is getting to him, maybe you only working part-time is stressing him re finances - you need to talk to him.

The tidying up in the morning feels like a red herring here, and the bigger issue is his lack of affection and you’re feeling distant.

he might be feeling resentful, you work part time and lie in bed whilst expecting him to get up and tidy and you can’t wake yourself up with alarms. This would grate on me pretty quickly

So if you work afternoons, presumably DH is also responsible for school pickups, feeding them straight after school and tidying as he goes - the same as you in the mornings when he is at work?

If this is the case, it is entirely unreasonable to expect him to also get up at 5am to clean and tidy while you are still in bed. If you can clean and tidy during the day with the kids you can both do the same as you go in the evenings when you are getting the kids ready for bed. One person does bath time while the other does the dishwasher downstairs etc.

I’ll be honest, if I was getting up at 5am for some peace and quiet before work, I’d not be very impressed if I had to then wake up my grown adult partner who then complained at me for not tidying up.

No, I work at the school and keep the children with me. He gets home before I do, then I come home with the kids and start dinner ect.

It sounds like you need to properly talk about this whole thing, but for today . . . if he hasn't cleaned ahead of the visit from his dad, for heaven's sake, don't cave and do it for him. He said he would.

Why doesn't he start dinner?

He does occasionally, I enjoy cooking, he and I agree I’m a bit of a better cook than he is but he will and does do some cooking for him and the kids now and again. Usually when I’m not bothered about having dinner for whatever reason. Or if I’m going out/got things to do and I don’t have time.

As in, at one point was eating off paper plates because we had no clean plates, but he said he couldn’t tidy up because he couldn’t do it on his own 😅

What the actual fuck?

At the moment he is accommodating your anxiety, insomnia, and general burn out disorder. Also possibly a bit of OCD when it comes to tidiness and cleaning.

But you don’t see why he needs an hour to himself or why when he is looking after you, the kids and working ft can’t keep on top of things.

And you think he is the only one who needs to confront things and change.

i don’t think he’s the only one that needs to change. We agree I obviously and mentally not in a good place and we are working on it with therapy and just trying to not put any added stress where it doesn’t need to be. We’ve spoke about the getting up early thing, hence why we’ve tried alarms ect. He also knows he doesn’t need to get up that early, I’ve suggested he stay in bed but he’s always got up super early, even before we were together he’s always been a super early riser. I wish I was but I never have been 🤣 it’s a work in progress.

How appreciative were you of him getting up at 5am with the kids & tidying up the house (surely stuff that should be done before going to bed).

Is he getting resentful of always being the one to do that? and has just decided, "whats the point, shes not grateful"

I don't think the lack of tidying is that much of an issue. As you say, it takes 15 minutes so whether he does it or not isn't that big a deal. The fact he did no tidying and didn't even wash dishes for a week when you were ill is odd and annoying, but he had to go to work and presumably deal with the kids.

It does sound like you are not working as a team. You're trying to make a point (lying awake waiting for him to 'wake you' rather than just going down) and he's become quite shut off. I agree the communication between you is dysfunctional.

"Tidies downstairs for me".

Does he not live there, is it all your untidiness?

No wonder he's stopped, you both see it as your issue